Aspirations?
Is that like sweat on my butt?
That’s Senator Ted Cruz.
Former Republican presidential aspirant turned key White House ally.
Rafael Edward Cruz was born in 1970.
In Canada.
But he moved to Texas at an early age.
Throughout his adolescence, he went by the nickname “Felito,”
but it didn’t last for long, because, he said,
During this time he aptly called his “unpopular nerd” phase,
young Felito was trying so hard to desperately fit in.
He ditched his glasses for contacts, took up sports,
and even covered a rival school in toilet paper, leading to a car chase with janitors.
But with time, comes change. And boy did he get cool.
[Rapid Gunfire]
Cruz attended two private high schools before graduating from Princeton in 1992.
At Princeton, many of Cruz’s peers used the word “creepy” to describe the one-day Senator.
He’d reportedly often sport a paisley bathrobe and walk through his dorm to where the female students lived.
His roommate at the time recalls fielding frightened girls’ complaints like,
“Could you please keep your roommate out of our hallway?”
Cruz left the girls’ dormitory for Harvard Law,
graduating in ‘95.
Fresh out of law school, he took a position with private practice,
Cooper Carvin & Rosenthal—
where he helped prepare his boss’s testimony before the House of Representatives
in former President Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings.
In 1999, Cruz joined George W. Bush’s presidential campaign as a domestic policy advisor.
According to co-workers on the campaign,
Cruz would send emails at all hours boasting about his most recent feats.
Cruz claims his role was crucial in the famous Florida recount,
the one where a guy who lost the popular vote ended up winning,
but a few top Bush aides don’t even remember Cruz having a role.
Bush’s campaign manager noted,
In 2003, Cruz became solicitor general of Texas,
a powerful legal position he held for 5 years,
longer than anyone in state history.
He turned what had been an ‘under-the-radar,
apolitical office into an aggressively ideological one,’
fighting to display the Ten Commandments on state grounds
and defending a law criminalizing the sale of dildos.
To again quote Cruz’s roommate:
By 2008, Cruz jumped back into private practice,
joining Morgan, Lewis, & Bockius,
where he’d work to help big pharma peddle drugs.
He represented a pharmaceutical company
that urged one of its employees to promote “off-label” use of the company’s products,
a practice that urges medical professionals to prescribe
a drug in ways other than those approved by the F.D.A.,
just to sell more drugs.
He lost.
But that didn’t hurt Cruz, who ran for Senate in Texas in 2012 and won 56% of the vote.
Cruz and his wife, Heidi, who is still a high-level employee at Goldman Sachs,
helped usher Ted’s winning Senate campaign thanks to loans from Goldman Sachs and CitiBank—
both of which they failed to disclose in a campaign finance report,
which is DEFINITELY illegal.
The couple did disclose them on personal financial disclosure forms
in the Senate -
and they claim their failure to report the campaign loans was “inadvertent”.
By 2013, with Cruz leading the effort to defund Obamacare,
the government shut down.
After the shutdown,
many of Cruz’s closest allies were very upset with how badly his strategy had failed.
A former aide to Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell said it was
After 16 days, and minor changes to Obamacare, the Government was back open for business.
That groundswell of respect and support would bring Cruz In 2015,
to announce his presidential candidacy.
In the midst of his run, Cruz was a key speaker at a religious liberty rally held by this guy:
Their sons are rebelling, hanging out with homosexuals and getting married.
And the parents are invited.
What would you do if that was the case?
Here’s what I would do:
Sackcloth and ashes
At the entrance of the church,
I’d sit with cow manure and I’d spread it all over my body, that’s what I would do.
Although Cruz less backlash than he did for allegedly eating a booger,
But with him, it’s a big old juicy booger falls out of his nose,
sits on his lip for a good 15 seconds and then falls to the bottom lip—
and then like he’s a lizar-reptoid or something- lizard.
The tongue just loving it, this is actually probably how he eats, he’s from another planet.
Cruz ended up suspending his campaign in May of 2016
after being bullied endlessly by Trump and a batch of others.
To sum it up, here’s a bunch of clips:
If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate,
and the trial was in the Senate,
nobody would convict you.
I’m beginning to understand why Ted Cruz has been hated by everyone,
every place he’s ever been.
I am not endorsing Ted Cruz, I hate Ted Cruz,
and I think I’d take cyanide if he ever got the nomination.
I got along with everybody.
You get along with nobody, you don’t have one Republican-
you don’t have one Republican Senator and you work with them everyday of your life,
although you skipped a lot of time— these are minor details.
Trump even threatened to sue Cruz for not being a natural born citizen
and accused his father of being linked to the JFK assassination.
Cruz’s general vibe led to the internet accusing him of being the Zodiac Killer,
an accusation still being investigated.
It didn’t stop there.
At the Republican National Convention,
Cruz took the stage for what many thought would be an endorsement of Trump,
If you love our country,
and love your children as much as I know that you do,
stand and speak and vote your conscious—
vote for candidates up and down the ticket
who you trust to defend our freedom.
The morning after, he defended his decision, saying,
But just two months later...
This is Ted Cruz calling. I was calling to encourage you to come out and vote on election day.
2020 could spell hope for a Senator Cruz who could be looking for revenge on the very man
who mopped the floor with him throughout the entirety of the previous cycle.
Afterall, he already made his plans very clear...
Take over the world, world domination.
You know, rule everything, rich, powerful—that sort of stuff.