- A toast to peace between New York and Chicago.
(audience cheering)
- [Reporter] While New York City won today,
it's no contest which city takes the cake when it comes to,
well, just about everything else.
- Deep dish pizza is quite good.
(group laughing)
(audience cheering)
(group laughing)
- I was gonna be nice,
but now you've gone too far.
So let me explain something deep dish pizza is not only not
better than New York pizza.
It's not pizza.
(audience cheering)
It's a (bleep) casserole.
(group laughing)
I'm surprised you haven't thought
to complete your deep dish pizza
by putting some canned onion rings on top of it.
It's a cornbread biscuit, which you've melted cheese on.
And then in defiance of God and man
and all things holy, you poured uncooked marinara sauce
atop the cheese, atop the cheese on top,
the sauce naked, cold on display, like some sort of sauce
whore, you know the expression, there's no such thing
as bad sex or bad pizza,
your pizza is like sex with a corpse made of sandpaper.
Let me tell you something, this is not pizza.
This is tomato soup in a bread bowl.
This is an above ground marinara swimming pool for rats.
Let tell you something about your (bleep) not pizza.
I want to know when I get drunk
and pass out on my pizza that I'm not gonna drown.
Let me tell you something.
(audience cheering)
I look at this,
I look at this mud on you, son of a bitch.
I look at this, yeah, gabagool.
I look at this when I look
at your deep (bleep) dish pizza.
I don't know whether to eat it or throw a coin
in it and make a wish.
And if I made a wish, it would be it,
I wish for some real (bleep) pizza.
(audience cheering)
Now, in all due respect,
I realize it was very cold in Chicago.
Very cold.
It's windy.
You need to be able to, I don't know, have a pizza
and maybe cut it open
and climb inside it like a tong to keep warm.
(group laughing)
Seriously, who are you kidding?
Who uses an iron skillet to make a pizza?
You don't use an iron skillet to make a pizza.
Use an iron skillet to fend off
someone who tries to serve you, (bleep),
Pizza made in a skillet.
(group laughing)
Here's how I know I'm right.
You call it Chicago style pizza.
You call it deep dish pizza.
Stuffed pizza.
You know what we call it?
You know what we call this?
Pizza.
(audience cheering)
Oh, that's nice.
And by the way, you don't put tomatoes
and celery (bleep) hot dogs either.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody knows there's three acceptable condiments
for a hot dog.
There's mustard, onions and stagnant cart water.
That's it.
(audience cheering)
A little while back on the program,
I personally don't watch it.
I think it's crass.
I may have mentioned something about Chicago style pizza
and how it tended to be less pizza-ish than pizza.
I was gesticulating quite a bit during that clip,
in articulating that sentiment,
I may have implied that deep dish pizza tastes
like a string cheese that had been baked
for two hours in inside of Mike Ditka's ass.
(group laughing)
So I said that on my program
and apparently Chicago has television.
(group laughing)
- Chicagoans are no doubt taking personal offense
to "The Daily Show" host Jon Stewart's rant against
our deep dish pizza.
Jon Stewart trashing our Chicago style pizzas.
- I take big offense 'cause our Chicago deep dish
is the best.
- Picking on our pizza?
- A little bit of a ribbing.
- [Reporter] Come on, take one bite and it is irresistible.
- [Host] I'm not a deep dish fan myself.
I love thin crust.
I'm sorry.
I'll get hate mail, I know.
- [Reporter] A deep dish.
I used to ship it frozen to California so I can have it.
- [Host] I'm just not a deep dish fan.
- Get to the traffic and weather already.
I'm late and I need to know if I need to wear a coat.
(group laughing)
Anyway, some people thought that my contribution
to the pizza dialogue
was not particularly well-reasoned.
- Jon Stewart went on a rant.
- Stewart fired off a tirade.
It continued like that for a while.
In that cheesy New York accent.
- Cheesy New York accent.
Who the (bleep) do you think you're talking about,
a cheesy New York accent?
You son of, you forget, wait a minute.
You know what I actually, I hear it now.
You're right.
Now that you mention it, it is somewhat pronounced
if I was ranting.
Well, I don't know what to say.
It was nothing compared to what people on Twitter
were ranting back like (bleep) you Jon Stewart
for saying deep dish pizza isn't pizza.
Die.
(group laughing)
That particular Twitter user did not specify the method
by which I should die, but I can only assume
it would be poisoning by deep dish pizza.
(group laughing)
And of course, whenever there's a spirited back
and forth, you just know Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel
is gonna get involved.
- [Narrator] This is the gift that Mayor Rahm Emanuel sent
to Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show."
- "The Daily Show" posted this Vine video showing even a dog
rejecting the deep dish pizza from the mayor.
(audience cheering)
- That's our dog Kweli.
That right there is, is one of "The Daily Show" dogs Kweli.
And for the record, he didn't want the pizza.
But I have seen that dog eat not only garbage.
(group laughing)
But happily spend his entire day
with his nose in another dog's butt hole.
(group laughing)
The other dog, by the way, is Parker.
And in Kweli's defense, Parker has an amazing butt hole,
elegant, sophisticated,
with just a susa of sausage plus with Kweli.
Do we see that picture again?
Got a little bit of the jungle fever.
You know what I'm talking about?
(group laughing)
Yeah.
(group laughing)
Perhaps I've overreacted with my rant tirade,
but it's only because of how special pizza is to all
of us here in New York City.
It's not just a a food to us.
It's ah, take a look.
(upbeat music)
- If there's one thing I've learned from
pretending to be an American all these years,
it's that New York has the best (bleep) pizza
on the (bleep) planet.
But don't take my word for it.
- I love Chicago.
You may remember I once led a parade there,
but when it comes to pizza, nobody beats New York.
- Come on, Chicago, you know your pizza's all right.
It's good, it's all right.
But come on, have you tried New York pizza?
- What makes New York pizza so perfect?
- It's not the crust.
It's not the sauce.
It's not the mozzarella.
It's the magic.
- Oh, you don't believe in magic?
Well, maybe that's not magic's problem.
Maybe that's your (bleep) problem.
- [Announcer] Yes, New York pizza is magic.
It has always been there for us when we struggled
and needed a helping hand.
- Holy (bleep) I can walk.
- Let's see you do that deep dish.
- [Announcer] When we were stuck and we just wanted
to get home.
- Enjoy your ride.
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] When we were just trying to get healthcare
and that goddamn site wouldn't load.
- Watch this.
Try it now.
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] When we were disappointed and needed a lift.
- Hmm, trust me, you're gonna like this.
- Thank you pizza.
God, I look good.
You sure as (bleep) do.
- You want to kiss me, don't you?
- Yes, I do.
Just do not talk.
- New York pizza makes the bad times good.
The good times better and the better times betterer.
The (bleep), you gotta come up with something better.
Anyway, the point is Chicago, relax.
- Yeah, Chicago, we're sorry for implying
that your pizza is inedible.
It's edible.
(group screaming)
- [Announcer] So congratulations Chicago.
Your pizza is edible.
It's just not magic.
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- I hope Chicagoans are not too upset.
(upbeat music)