(music)
(ethereal music playing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi. Charles?
- [Charles] Hey. Bella and Larry?
- That's us.
- [Charles] Wow. I, you both have such great teeth.
(laughing)
- This guy.
- I brought flowers. Is that weird?
- That's not weird.
- That's thoughtful! - What? No!
We love flowers! These are so perfect. Get in here.
- [Larry] I'll go get some water for those.
- Holy shit.
Okay.
(eerie music playing)
(soft, romantic music playing faintly)
- That's, uh, inspirational.
- Yeah, we kind of live by that here.
I'm a fitness influencer, so.
- Oh, right on.
What do you do, Larry?
- Uh, I
sell
banks.
- [Bella] Anyway, eat up.
We were so excited. We got so much meat and cheese.
- [Charles] Good thing. I took a Lactaid pill.
- [Larry] All right, what can I get you?
You a wine guy? You want a martini? Some bourbon?
- [Charles] I love bourbon.
- [Larry] There it is. Okay, let's get this party started.
(making fake horn sounds)
- [Bella] Whoa.
- I got a 76 Michener's
and oh, I have this Wood Oak Burt Russell Ivory.
They put it in this cask that has been tarred with,
- Just bring him a drink, Lar.
- [Larry] Yeah. Yeah. Yup.
- Charles, you really are a unicorn.
(giggling bashfully)
We have had such a problem finding a third.
I feel like we manifested you.
- [Charles] Really?
I think people would be lining up for you two.
- Well, we had a lot of criteria.
We needed a very specific, um,
- No tattoos or piercings,
which eliminates like 95% of bi people.
- Someone lean,
but with a little bit of meat on the bones
- Like Topher Grace.
- [Bella] Discrete, unattached, unemployed,
with very little to no social media presence,
no family in the area.
- Someone really sexy.
- [Bella] To both of us.
- Thank you very much.
- And, of course, someone completely non-threatening.
- Right.
Well,
here I am,
lean and clean and ready to take a dick.
(laughing)
Uh, sorry, Bella. Open to all genitals.
- [Bella] Uh huh. Well, why don't we cheers to that?
- [Larry] Yeah, cheers.
- Oh, are you two not drinking?
- No, no, we're fine.
(eerie music playing)
(gulping)
(dark, sexy music playing)
- This is tight.
- Is that weird? I don't know. That felt weird.
(heavy breathing)
- Take off your fucking shirt.
- Oh, right.
(crunching sound)
- Ow!
- Larry!
Sorry, we should have asked you if you're into rough stuff.
- I am, I am. I just need a little bit of a warning first.
- Of course.
- Do we need a safe word?
- Sure. How about amethyst?
It's a healing crystal.
- Okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah.
(paddle smacking)
- You want it rough?
- Yeah. Yeah. I want it rough.
- Get on the fucking bed.
- Oh no. Don't spank me.
Oh no, I definitely don't want that.
Oh, I don't want two strong people to spank me.
Oh no.
(door closing)
- Guys?
Hello?
(struggling)
(jewelry jingling)
Sorry.
Sorry about that.
Hello?
(eerie music playing)
Larry?
Bella?
(indiscernible noises rustling)
- Ah!
- I knew there was going to be a thing.
(door opening)
Hey, uh, so I'm not trying to kink shame or anything,
but, uh,
hello?
What's happening?
- Oh, we're sacrificing you to the sex demon, Incubrae.
- Larry! Don't tell him that.
- Right.
- You think?
- Sorry. Forget I said that, 'kay?
- Sex demon?
That wasn't in your profile or was it?
I don't think that's something I would really,
- Shut
the fuck up.
Do we have everything?
- Uh, wolf's paw, heirloom tomato, toad's colon,
sage, Twisted Blade of Urat-Nu-Sai,
and the Time magazine from 1997
where Ellen came out on the cover.
- And the last ingredient:
the blood of a unicorn.
- Wait, if you just need my blood,
I get bloody noses when I spin around,
so just let me spit around and-
(Charles screaming) (blood spurting)
- Shit!
- You stabbed me.
- Please tell me you got some of that in the vile.
- No and it's not even bleeding anymore.
Come on. You try it.
- I don't think I can do this.
- [Charles] You don't have to do this, Larry.
- [Bella] Oh, yes he does. Okay.
We need Incubrae, the sex demon, well, Larry does,
because his performance is,
it's a little more rapid
than one might,
- He cums too fast?
- That's a medical condition! Okay?
And you don't help things
by putting all this pressure on our sex life.
- [Charles] I'm about to die
'cause he's a premature ejaculator?
- [Bella] Charles, we have tried everything, okay?
Creams, pills, okay even like weird European shit,
I'm talking like, dude, like insane side effects.
- My pee was green and thick.
- Like a jello. Nothing has worked, okay?
And so Incubrae is our only hope
and, man, you just have to die, you know,
so that like we can have good sex again.
Okay? (clearing throat) Baby, baby.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
(growling)
- You don't have to do this, Larry.
There's other pills. There's other ways.
There's like a foam, did you try the foam?
- I'm sorry man.
(growling)
(yelling)
(blood spurting)
(groaning)
- Did you even stab him?
- No. I think he premature blooded on me.
- What is with this dude's body?
- I have really thin platelets.
- Okay, come on. Let's watch the tutorial again.
- [Larry] Okay, okay, okay.
- [Youtuber] Hey, what's up everybody.
Welcome to my tutorial
on how to summon Incubrae, the sex demon.
I know you've been asking- - Fast forward.
- [Youtuber] At this point,
Incubrae should be feasting on the unicorn's innards.
Um, this is definitely gonna make-
- That is too far. Rewind.
- You know you're hovering
and you know how that makes me crazy.
- Okay, but 13 minutes?
- [Youtuber] and then you're gonna make
an incision on the lower abdomen.
- Oh.
- It's a, it's a slice.
- Oh God. That's so stupid. - Honestly, that's on me.
- No, I was too over excited.
- I didn't watch the whole thing.
- I've been screaming.
[Youtuber] Remember to like and subscribe.
Come on. Here we go.
Oh, what a day, baby.
- [Charles] Please.
I don't wanna be sacrificed to a sex demon.
- Sorry, bud.
(groaning)
- [Bella And Larry In Unison] Sacrifice today.
Success tomorrow.
Sacrifice today. Success tomorrow.
(roaring)
(screaming)
(roaring) (screaming)
- Amethyst! Amethyst!
(panting)
- Guys, this,
this isn't okay.
If you two are having trouble in your relationship
and, no offense, it kind of seems like you are,
you can't bring in a third to fix that.
That's rule number one.
A unicorn is a sacred creature,
a special creature.
You have to treat it with respect
and you don't slice it, and you don't stab it,
and you don't get into arguments
about YouTube tutorials in front of it.
So, uh,
look, I'm not trying to be a dick,
but I didn't consent to fixing your relationship
and I definitely didn't consent to this.
So,
Amethyst.
- Is that a safe word?
All right, well, cut him down, please.
Sex demons respect a safe word. We are demons, not animals.
(clearing throat) Magazine?
- Right.
(door clicking shut)
- Please take some food.
- Yeah.
- We've got so much.
(sighing)
(ethereal music playing)
(door clicking shut)
(soft, jazzy music playing)
(faint beeping)
(soft, jazzy music playing)