The Colonel: The Colonel here.
To participate in the interactive portion of our program
simply follow the link after the video or in the description below.
Now enjoy the premiere of
The Eleven Little Roosters.
*buzzer sounding*
*doors opening*
*alarm sounding*
*explosion*
Agent Moose: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Oo, sorry! Sorry!
Oo, that's gonna leave a mark... Sorry! Sorry!
SORRY!!
*groaning noises*
*sigh* Good afternoon, Captain Gruber.
My name is Agent Moose.
I'll be performing your assassination today.
If there's anything I could do to make you more comfort-
*groaning*
Moose: Jack the Red?!
*groaning and choking*
Oooooh nooooo!...
*James Bond-esque music plays*
Annersby: *scream* x3
What sort of a man just walks into an office and shoots without looking?!
Gavin the 3rd: Sorry, old chap.
Annersby: You wonder why you're being evaluated you... you... you tasty little scrampet!
Oh my goodness! I couldn't stay mad at you!
Just take this spoon and, uh...
Gavin: Alright.
Annersby: ...tell me what you see.
Gavin: Oh yeah, this one's easy. This one is an orgy.
Annersby: What? No!
Gavin: Look at the three. It's definitely tits.
Annersby: Gav!
How am I supposed to reinstate a shoot-happy sex fiend?
Gavin: ...You just do it.
Like sex.
Annersby: *sigh* You know...
You're supposed to be representing MI:6 in the Rooster Corps
but your recent performance has been... erratic at best.
Gavin: Well, that's not my fault!
I've been receiving incoherent direction from British Command
and my operator is-
Mikey: Well, fuck you too, mate!
Who got you out of that shitstorm in the Ukraine?
Who helped you escape that Turkish prison?
And who called you a bloody Uber last Thursday night?
Gavin: You did, Mikey.
Mikey: You're goddamn right I did!
Blaming your shit on me...
I hope you get ear cancer!
This is me sending you ear cancer right now!
*blows raspberry*
*breathes in*
*blows another raspberry*
Annersby: HQ has reported some problems with their orders getting through.
I'll look into it for you, old boy.
*Morse code beeping*
An emergency session.
What ever could it be?
Gavin: I have to go, Annersby.
Please, reinstate me. I won't let the Queen down!
Let me prove myself again.
Annersby: Alright...
Sexy devil... Mmm... Mmm!
Starting to feel my... John Thomas again.
Hello, John Taylor Thomas! Good to see you!
Colonel: Welcome to the Rooster Corps.
The world's premiere alliance of international espionage.
Eleven agencies allied together in the pursuit... of world peace.
And now... under siege.
This emergency meeting of the Little Roosters will now come to order!
Assassin rolecall!
Gavin the 3rd - MI:6
Agent Jinx and Agent Gibson of the CIA
Comrade Hadam of the KGB
La Luna Loco, So'Rolla, and their boss Madam Mariel - Asesinos Mexicano Espía
Marquee Marquis - French Association of Professionals
*airhorn*
*techno music*
*sigh* I'm contractually obligated to announce that
"Berliner Records presents Koko, Brüce, Wilhelm and Lars.
It's the Sex von Schaukel Boyz!"
*many airhorns*
*music stops*
*airhorn*
Burnardo Burnadicci - Italian Defense Division
Christoph Weiss - Swedish Security Service
And if it isn't Agent Moose - Canadian Assassins League
*cough*
La Luna Loco: Assassin killer...
Marquis: I saw you at Con.
Will you sign zis vinyl, you killed ze fan with?
Wilhelm: Ve only sign our digital albums.
Marquis: Zis is not digital?
Wilhelm: Ve'd sign anything you for, Jinx. Ve'd make many exceptions. Ve'd sign our bodies for you. Ve'd sign anything.
Brüce: Oo, ha hoo, yeah...
Marquis: I was going to sell zis on eBay...
*gong sounds*
Colonel: We are now, as always, pleased to receive:
The Big Cock!
*drums and fanfare play*
The Big Cock: I would like to remind everyone that it's "Big Cock" as in "large rooster"
not like... "cock" cock.
Where in the goddamn dingo is Australia?
Boomerang Geoff: Sorry! Sorry!
*didgeridoo plays*
*cough* Crikey! Ack...
Boomerang Geoff here, reporting in from... Whatever Australia Has, I dunno?
You're doing great. Keep it up.
Big Cock: Alright, as I was saying-
Koko: Ahem?
Big Cock: Of course not!
Big Cock: I'm pretty sure you're not speaking coherent German!
Big Cock: Enough! The Big Cock silences you all!
Now listen. Jack the Red has been eliminated.
Sex von Schaukel Boyz: *gasp*
Big Cock: By one of our own.
Comrade Hadam: This is bad.
Madam Mariel: The only question is what to do with the traitor
Agent Moose!
Luna: It's muertos time!
*maracas shake*
Big Cock: No, it isn't.
Luna: Silencio...
Big Cock: Our internal investigation revealed that...
Agent Moose was actually on official assignment.
Those orders were a forgery.
Lars: *gasp* Oh, who could forge such a thing?
Big Cock: The only people with access to the system...
are seated at this very table.
So, the question is: which of you wanted Jack the Red
to be Jack the Dead?
Hadam: It's you.
Christoph Weiss: Get your hands off me.
Agent Jinx: Everyone wanted Jack dead.
Burnardo Burnadicci: Well, it's 'cause he was a douchebag.
You ever heard that expression, uh...
"who shit in your cereal?"
Well, for me that answer was Jack.
He would literally shit in my cereal in the breakroom.
Geoff: Old fat man's right. He was not nice.
Touched me in the crikey... Not nice.
Big Cock: So, if everyone hated him so much
our office savior should have no trouble admitting who they are.
Someone here... is not your friend.
Agent Gibson: Yeah, Cristoph is not my friend.
He's a fucking weirdo.
Christoph: Yeah? *laughs* Well, I do not know why I am this way.
I don't remember anything.
After waking up in that hospital-
Big Cock: God! We know, okay? You're the amnesiac assassin.
We get it! Nobody gives two albino shits, okay?
Cristoph: Ha...
Big Cock: People, this is a serious situation.
Eleven Little Roosters has become Ten Little Roosters
something no one wants to see.
Our power is consolidating, and that... is bad.
Ten years ago, the world was in chaos.
Assassins killing one another.
We were on the brink of World War 3...
We were on the brink of World War 3.5
And so...
that's why I created this agency and brought you all together.
I restored global balance... and harmony.
Marquis: By threatening ze world with a superweapon?
Big Cock: That's right! You're welcome!
I thought if we all shared responsibility for an awesome power
we'd be more inclined to work together.
So, I gave each of you a key.
Useless on their own, but together... strong.
But with the death of Jack, his key has been deactivated
which means someone at this table is one step closer
to harnessing control of the greatest weapon this world has ever known.
And the rest of you... are merely standing in his way.
In other news, So'Rolla will be having his third quinceañera this week, so look out for those e-vites!
*clapping*
So'Rolla: The theme is "sirenas bonitas". So excited.
BC: And Agent Moose has been disavowed.
Moose: Wait, what?!
Big Cock: I know Jack's death wasn't your fault, but we can't have you out there killing people willy-nilly.
That would be a bit predictable.
Moose: This is outrageous, eh? Canada's always had a seat at this table!
Big Cock: Hold your Molson, young lady.
Canada will continue to have a seat here.
But we're changing out the old routine, bringing in the new poutine...
It's Agent Knuckle, everyone!
*Canadian National Anthem plays*
Agent Knuckle: Hello! I'm Agent Knuckle!
Moose: This is worse than the War of 1812!
Gibson: HEY! Not cool bringing up the War of 1812!
Knuckle: Just give us this one win, you big fucking American hoser!
Moose: *sharp exhale* You talk to your Montrealer mother with that mouth?
Knuckle: I'm sorry.
Moose: No, I'M sorry.
Knuckle: No, I'm REALLY sorry.
Moose: Well, I'm SUPER sorry.
Knuckle: I'm so fecking sorry...
Moose: Don't you get into a sorry competition with me, you little-
Big Cock: Clam it, Moose Knuckle!
Moose and Knuckle: Sorry...
Big Cock: Alright, operations and assassinations will continue
but until we find this A-hole
all of you... are on special alert.
Even people with "strong moral codes". Like Frenchy.
Alright! Big Cock... is out.
*shoes squeaking*
Knuckle: Well, this is gonna be fun.
*beeping sounds*
The Griffon: What'd I miss?
Geoff: Ah, it appears... we have a traitor in our midst.
Let's just go back home.
Griffon: Okay.
Geoff: We'll wait this one out down under.
Camping's a legitimate strategy. We all know that.
'Specially in the Outback.
*door squeaking*
*door squeaking again*
Colonel: Are you truly interested in getting to the bottom of this?
Moose: What?
Colonel: Well, it's just that as a disavowed agent
you'd be free to pursue an independent investigation.
Moose: Colonel, are you saying-
Colonel: I ask nothing the Big Cock doesn't will.
He swings a direction, and I run to chase that cock.
And we've already begun hiring outside consultants.
Tell me, what do you know about a man named "Ryan Haywood"?
Moose: Sounds like the name of a madman.
Colonel: He's an eccentric fellow to be sure.
He's the sole survivor of that dinner party massacre all over the news a few years back.
Moose: I think I remember reading about that in the papers.
Colonel: Yes, gaggle of idiots murdered down in Austin, Texas.
Some say for the better
but somehow he survived and turned murder into lemonade.
Now he's got a full-time consulting gig, rooting out saboteurs
and we've already booked him for wedding season.
Someone's pitted one rooster against another.
I have no reason to think they won't try it again.
Moose: To be fair, everyone did hate Jack.
Colonel: Oh, as did I.
In fact, he used to... shit in my cereal bars.
Like, inside the wrapper before I opened them.
I honestly don't know how he did it.
Like a... goddamn Criss Angel.
Moose: So, if I connect with this Haywood and help you unearth the mole
I'll be reinstated?
Colonel: Reinstated, promoted...
and you just might save the world.
Now, this Haywood's an elusive character.
He'll probably only contact you on his terms
so you'll need to keep your eyes and ears open.
Here. This one's a freebie.
Moose: Cana-... *sigh* I won't let you down, sir.
Colonel: We'll see.
Moose: I'll find you, you little mole bastard.
Sorry, NOT sorry!
...but sorry.
*credit theme plays*
*upbeat guitar tempo plays*