BEFORE THE COMMERCIALS, I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW DONALD TRUMP
ATTACKED BOB CORKER, AND THE FAKE NEWS, BUT I'M KIND OF PROUD
THE PRESIDENT SAVED JUST A LITTLE COMPLAINING FOR US TALK
SHOW HOSTS.
MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL.
SEE, OVER THE WEEKEND, TRUMP TWEETED
"LATE NIGHT HOSTS ARE DEALING WITH THE DEMOCRATS FOR THEIR
VERY 'UNFUNNY' AND REPETITIVE MATERIAL, ALWAYS ANTI-TRUMP!"
FIRST OF ALL, "UNFUNNY" IN QUOTES?
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH MEANS YOU THINK WE'RE
FUNNY?
( LAUGHTER ) IN WHICH CASE I WANT TO SAY,
"THANK YOU," FOR "UNDERSTANDING HOW QUOTES WORK."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HE ENDED THAT TWEET BY
SAYING, SHOULD WE GET EQUAL TIME?
I KNOW THAT ONE -- NO.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.
WE MAKE FUN OF YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE'RE GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY
JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
I WILL NOW BE JOINED BY ANOTHER HOST, LICENSED IN "UNFUNNY."
AND THAT HOST WILL OFFER BALANCE TO WHAT I SAY ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT.
COME ON OUT, HOST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE IS HOW IT WILL WORK, OKAY.
SO YOU'LL BE THE BALANCE.
I'LL DO MY USUAL UNFAIR SLAMMING OF THE PRESIDENT, AND YOU'LL
PROVIDE THE COUNTERWEIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
OKAY.
DONALD TRUMP THINKS WE SHOULD GIVE EQUAL TIME ON A COMEDY
SHOW, EVEN THOUGH THE ELECTION IS OVER.
KIND OF LIKE IF "THE BIG BANG THEORY" WAS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED
BY "THE CREATIONIST BAZINGA FUN TIME HOUR" STARRING JESUS AND
HIS ROOMMATE, A T-REX.
LOOK OUT FOR THE SPIN-OFF, "YOUNG JESUS."
AND BE POSITIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> CAN I HAVE MORE TIME?
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO GET GOING.
JUST SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> DONALD TRUMP --
( LAUGHTER ) -- IS NOT.... A CANNIBAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S YOUR EQUAL
TIME?
>> THAT'S IT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GO AGAIN.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> STEPHEN: LAST WEEK, WE LEARNED THAT DONALD TRUMP'S OWN
SECRETARY OF STATE CALLED HIM A ( BLEEP ) MORON.
NOT ONLY IS THAT AN INSULT, HE GAVE AWAY TRUMP'S SECRET SERVICE
CODE NAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT.
I GOT THIS ONE.
ALL RIGHT.
GIVEN THE CHOICE BETWEEN HAVING HOT LAVA POURED INTO MY PEE HOLE
AND DONALD TRUMP BEING THE PRESIDENT --
( LAUGHTER ) -- I CHOOSE LAAA --
>> Stephen: PASSTIVE!
THE LATTER.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
ON FRIDAY -- ( LAUGHTER )
I'M FINDING THIS HARD, TOO.
ON FRIDAY, TRUMP MADE IT EASIER FOR EMPLOYERS TO DENY WOMEN
BIRTH CONTROL.
PRETTY SOON, THE ONLY CONTRACEPTIVE WOMEN WILL HAVE
LEFT IS HIS FACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M IN THE GROOVE NOW.
I'M STARTING TO FEEL THIS.
DONALD TRUMP IS GREAT TO WOMEN.
>> GREAT?
>> GOOD.
>> STEPHEN: GOOD?
>> BETTER THAN HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MAYBE.
I'LL FACT CHECK THAT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> STEPHEN: LAST WEEK, THIS IS WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID AT A
WHITE HOUSE PHOTO OP SURROUNDED BY MILITARY LEADERS AND THEIR
SPOUSES: >> YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THIS
REPRESENTS?
MAYBE THIS IS THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM.
>> WHAT'S THE STORM ?
>> IT'S THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM.
>> WHAT STORM, MR. PRESIDENT? >> YOU'LL FIND OUT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: AH--
>> WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?
"YOU'LL FIND OUT?" OOH, A CLIFF HANGER!
WILL TRUMP GIVE HUMANITY THE ROSE?
WILL CIVILIZATION MAKE IT TO THE FANTASY SUITE?!
AND "CALM BEFORE THE STORM?" IS THAT WHAT HE WAS SAYING?
>> STEPHEN: POSITIVE.
>> HOW?
"CALM BEFORE THE STORM."
HOW IS ALL THIS NOT THE STORM?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS ALL THE STORM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WHAT KIND OF SOCIOPATH WOULD
USE THAT TERMINOLOGY WHEN PEOPLE ARE STILL CLEANING UP FROM
LITERAL STORMS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY, I KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE POSITIVE, BUT I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I COULDN'T DO IT.
( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: DO I HAVE TO BE
POSITIVE NOW?
COULD I HAVE MORE TIME?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: DONALD TRUMP -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- IS NOT -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- A CANNIBAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON STEWART, EVERYONE!