(upbeat music)
- Impeachment.
It's the most Presidential thing Donald Trump has ever done.
And after a full week of arguments
in Trump's second Senate trial, it all came down to this.
- [News Anchor] Former President Donald Trump tonight
declared not guilty of the impeachment charge
he incited insurrection at the Capitol on January 6th.
- [Leahy] He is hereby acquitted
of the charge in said article.
- [News Anchor] Seven Republican senators
voting with Democrats to convict, 57 to 43,
the most bipartisan Senate impeachment vote in history,
but far short of the two thirds majority needed to convict.
- Yes, the bad news for Donald Trump
is that seven members of his own party
said that he was guilty, which is unprecedented.
The good news for him is it wasn't enough,
so Trump is free to go, baby!
"2024, here we come!
(imitates air horn blowing)
"Ooh, and we getting the whole crew back together.
"Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner, that dude with the horns,
"Mike Pence, sorry about trying to get you killed,
"but that's in the past now, let's do this!"
And true to his form, Trump got acquitted 43 to 57.
This dude just loves losing the popular vote.
And I get, I get that it's disappointing for a lot of people
but we should know this by now.
This is what Trump does.
He wiggles his way out of accountability.
Trying to hold Trump responsible for his crimes
is like trying to kill a fruit fly.
It's just like, "Ha, I got it this time."
Then you open your hands, he's not even there.
He's already halfway across the room
sitting on your girlfriend's boob.
And this was actually a bit of a tricky situation
for Republicans because polls show that most Americans
don't like Trump and think he should have been convicted,
but the GOP base still loves Trump
and would turn against anyone who votes against him
faster than Buffy fans turned on Joss Whedon.
So to make everybody happy,
Senators came up with a really amazing and bullshit excuse
that even if Trump was guilty,
they couldn't do anything about it
because he's already out of office,
and nobody rolled around in that bullshit more
than my man, Mitch McConnell.
- There's no question, none,
that President Trump is practically and morally responsible
for provoking the events of the day.
We have no power to convict and disqualify
a former office holder who is now a private citizen.
As an ordinary citizen, unless the statute of limitations
is run still liable for everything he did
while he was in office.
Didn't get away with anything yet, yet.
We have a criminal justice system in this country,
we have civil litigation
and former Presidents are not immune
from being accountable by either one.
- Wow, yet another profile in courage from Mitch McConnell.
Basically what he's saying is Trump caused the riots,
Trump is super guilty and Mitch just hopes that someday,
someone else will do something about it.
I mean, look, nobody's actually buying this explanation.
Out of anyone, Mitch McConnell is the one person
who always finds a way to get things done
if he wants to get it done.
This dude is so effective,
he has federal judges on the French Supreme Court.
"I don't know how he got here,
"but the law is the law, so electric cars are illegal."
But now, all of a sudden, Mitch is coming up with excuses
just so that he doesn't have to take a stand,
and I just have one question, Senator McConnell,
how can you even look at yourself?
"Oh, I never have, Trevor.
"Every time I look in the mirror, it kills itself."
"Oh, okay."
But thanks to Mitch and 42 other Republicans,
Donald Trump managed to beat off the charges against him,
and now his friends and family are beating off in general.
- This was a big win for team Trump.
The former president's taking a victory lap,
not showing any signs of remorse or regret.
After yesterday's verdict, Trump attorney Michael Vanderveen
was seen fist bumping another member of the defense, saying,
"We're going to Disney World",
as if they had just won the Super Bowl.
- [News Anchor] Mr Trump's son Eric posting this on Twitter,
"Two, nothing".
- Now that's what I'm talking about, two and oh.
Obama never even won a single impeachment.
Shit's embarrassing.
I mean, say what you want, but Trump is the acquittal GOAT.
Sorry, OJ, you had a good run, but Trump got acquitted twice
and he's responsible for more deaths.
And you might think two and oh is as good as it gets,
but I think Trump might even have
a third impeachment in him.
Eight months from now, Congress could just be like,
"Ah damn it, we just found out that Trump
"sold the Declaration of Independence on eBay!"
"Oh, I hope someone does something about it,
"but I vote to acquit."
"Damn it, Mitch!"
But for now, if you're celebrating alongside team Trump
and you want to remember this day forever,
well here's an offer you won't want to miss.
- [Announcer] It's official, President Trump has won
his second impeachment trial on technical grounds,
and now you can celebrate with the President
with the new Trump acquittal collection,
including the official acquittal T-shirt,
the official acquittal blanket
and the official acquittal coffee mug.
Order now, and you'll get real copies
of the Trump defense's used trial notes.
All purchases come with a baseball bat and flex cuffs,
for the next time we march on the Capitol peacefully,
wink wink.
Let's say some time this spring, be there, will be wild.
(upbeat music)
- A freak winter storm slammed into Texas,
causing blackouts for millions of people,
and usually when there are blackouts in America,
things go back to normal in a couple of hours
and it's not a big deal.
You light some candles, you grab some flashlights
and then you tell a scary story about the woman who married
the ghost of a little boy.
But in Texas, many people are still waiting for the heat
to come back on three days later,
and things stopped being fun a long time ago.
- [News Anchor 1] This morning, a deadly winter blast
tearing across the country from Mississippi to Maine
for a third straight day.
- [News Anchor 2] In Texas, the freezing temperature
is knocking out power to more than 4 million customers.
- Power's out, water's out.
- There's no firewood anywhere, no stores open.
- [News Anchor 3] The residents using blow dryers
and heaters to thaw their frozen pipes.
- [Texas Resident 1] No water.
- [News Anchor 4] Enuring freezing temperatures
any way they can,
some dangerously using cars or grills for heat.
- [News Anchor 5] For the millions bundled up
with no electricity, this has been life for days.
- [Leahy] In this room in our house,
it is 33 degrees.
- [News Anchor 5] In Austin, Andrew Leahy and his wife
finding ways to keep warm.
- You'll see a blanket here with scotch tape.
We're doing anything possible to keep the heat in.
- All right people, this, no matter what
anybody says, is awful.
I know people were praying for Texas to go blue,
but not like this.
I mean, is it too much to ask
for just one apocalypse at a time?
COVID is bad enough, but now Texans have to deal
with their homes turning into meat lockers?
That shit is unfair.
The pipes are frozen, temperatures are below zero,
ice is everywhere.
Forget Texans, this would be too much for Elsa.
♪ Let it go ♪
"Hell no, this is some bullshit.
"I'm going to Aruba."
I mean, you saw that news clip.
Some people are putting up scotch tape and blankets.
That's not how people should keep heat in their house.
That's how you hide the weed smell from your RA.
Now what's been so devastating about this blackout
is that when the electricity went out,
it affected everything.
People were struggling to get heat,
they're still struggling to get food
and they're struggling to get water.
Now, luckily for them, their leaders have stepped up
in their time of need to tell them to stop bitching.
- Now, a story making headlines nationwide,
the mayor of Colorado City, Tim Boyd,
has resigned after getting backlash
over a Facebook post yesterday.
In that post, he wrote it is, quote,
"Not the local government's responsibility to support you
"during trying times like this", end quote.
He said those without power or water should, quote,
"Step up and come up with a game plan to stay safe",
end quote.
- [News Anchor] He says, "The city, county,
"along with power providers owe you nothing
"and only the strong will survive, the weak will perish."
- Damn, okay.
I mean, that's one way to be a leader,
just telling your people to fend for themselves
during a disaster.
That's some next level.
Even Immortan Joe sprayed his people with water
once in a while.
He's like, "It's kinda hot, come on."
Here's a question, why did this guy even want to be a mayor
if he didn't want to help people?
You don't become a doctor and then tell people,
"Transplant your own liver, bitches!
"Why do I got to do everything, huh?
"I'm a doctor."
Now, the good news is the backlash was so fierce
that this mayor immediately resigned,
and honestly, it's probably safer for him
now that he's gone, because if you think frostbite
is bad on your nose, you should see what it does
to an exposed asshole.
Now, after the people of Texas are done
DIY-ing their own power plants,
they'll probably want to know why this catastrophe happened
in the first place,
and while freak storms can't be prevented,
it looks like Texas could have done a lot more to prepare
for this eventuality.
- [News Anchor] Officials with the council that manages
most of Texas's grid says that outages are due
to the state's natural gas suppliers
not being able to tolerate such low temperatures.
- Power plants are not performing as expected,
especially natural gas fired power plants
in Texas right now.
Many of the thermal power plants,
like natural gas fired power plants,
coal fired power plants, and at least one nuclear unit
are not producing energy.
They're suffering outages.
- Some people would point to the fact
that Texas had its power supply deregulated back in the 90s,
and you would say,
critics say that because of these businesses
who were focusing on profits,
they were not necessarily concerned with maintenance
and/or winterizing the equipment
to prepare for worst case scenarios
like we're experiencing right now.
- [News Anchor] Texas is the only state to use
its own independent power grid,
that means it does not have federal regulations
that might have better prepared Texas
for an event like this.
- That's right.
The main reason Texas has plunged into darkness
is that its natural gas industry
has been crippled by the storm,
and that might, might, have been preventable,
except that Texas deregulated its power supply in the 90s,
which was clearly not the wisest decision.
I mean, trust me.
As a man who lived through the 90s,
you should probably rethink most of the decisions
you made in that decade.
But you see, this deregulation led to a lack of oversight
that could have helped
to keep the infrastructure maintained.
But instead, for some reason,
there were more people keeping tabs on Britney Spears
than the Texas power grid.
And this just goes to show you,
you can't put profits over quality and safety.
Money's not worth a whole lot
if you have to burn it to keep warm.
Look, the fact of the matter is,
this situation is kind of embarrassing for Texas's leaders.
I mean, this is the state that prides itself
on its oil and gas industry,
and now that industry has failed spectacularly.
This would be like Jason Momoa needing help
opening a pickle jar, which is probably why state officials
and their allies on cable news are working so hard
to blame someone else.
- [News Anchor] The blackouts that are in Texas
are being made worse by the failure of wind turbines,
many freezing in the icy weather, cutting output in half,
and it's raising questions
about the Lone Star State's increasing reliance
on renewable energy.
- Energy producing wind turbines are freezing, not working.
- The windmills failed like the silly fashion accessories
they are, and people in Texas died.
- Think about if we were in the AOC world.
Fast forward 10 years and everything is solar,
everything is wind.
If you don't have power to keep you warm, you're gonna die.
- A preview of what could happen if the AOC vision
were reified throughout the United States.
- This shows how the Green New Deal would be a deadly deal
for the United States of America.
- Okay, this, this is (beep) insane.
These guys are so desperate to just let fossil fuels
off the hook that they're blaming AOC
and the Green New Deal, which by the way,
hasn't even happened yet,
for something that's happening in Texas right now?
But this just goes to show you, no matter what happens,
no matter how far removed she is from the problem,
conservatives can and will always find a way
to blame the boogeyman, AOC.
Rick Perry could have broken his arm as a kid
and he would have blamed it on AOC.
"Ah, my arm!
"Damn you, AOC."
"Oh, who's AOC, kid?"
"She just hasn't been born yet, but you wait, you'll see."
Now look, we can have an honest conversation about this
and acknowledge that it is true that many wind turbines
in the state did freeze during the storm.
But it's also fair to acknowledge that these wind turbines
only account for 12% of the lost power in the state.
Placing all the blame on wind power here
is like blaming the Jets' record on the water boy.
I mean, I guess he could have handed out water better,
but I don't think that's why they lost.
And even though these wind turbines failed in cold weather,
that doesn't mean that wind power is a bad idea.
It just means that Texas didn't have turbines
made for cold weather,
the same way it didn't have oil and gas plants
made for cold weather.
I mean, there are cars sliding all over the roads
in Texas right now because nobody there has snow tires,
but I don't hear the governor saying,
"Wheels are unreliable,
"so we need to go back to Flintstones cars."
(upbeat music)
Texas, where half a million residents
were still without power today,
and more than 200,000 were without clean water
because treatment plants are failing and pipes are bursting.
Texans have been lining up for clean water
from public spigots, boiling their own,
or even trying to melt snow.
Yeah. melting snow for clean water.
I mean, you know that the infrastructure is screwed
when your best option for water is to mug a snowman.
But the saddest part is that these people are the lucky ones
because it turns out, one poor Texan had to travel 800 miles
just to get heat, water and electricity.
- Senator Ted Cruz, he is now a whole lot of questions
after he was spotted on a plane traveling to Cancun, Mexico
in the midst of this unfolding crisis
in his home state of Texas.
- If you go on social media, you will see social media users
posting multiple pictures of the Senator and his family
in the Houston airport waiting to board their flight.
- Ted Cruz!
No man, you gotta be shitting me, dude!
Your people are literally eating snow right now,
and you're jetting off to Cancun?
I'm not even mad that you were selfish,
I'm mad that you were so stupid.
How can you be in politics for 10 years
and still have no idea how bad this would make you look?
What were you thinking?
"I know my people are freezing and hungry right now,
"so what they need is a photo of my beach bod,
"because if they see me in a Speedo,
"their eyes will burst into flames
"and the whole family can warm their hands
"over those flames."
I mean, look, I get that Ted Cruz is tired.
The man deserves a break after trying so hard
to overthrow the government, but this is not the time, Ted!
When your constituents said they need clean water,
they didn't mean go find a wet T-shirt contest in Cancun.
I mean, seeing Ted Cruz skip town for the beach
has been very frustrating for the people in Texas.
But on the other hand, it has been really exciting
for the people in Cancun who got to meet him on the streets.
"Wow, bro, I didn't know that Senor Frog was a real guy.
"That was awesome."
And what's even worse is that when he got caught,
instead of owning up to it and apologizing,
he acted like a total Ted Cruz.
- [News Anchor] Breaking right now, an update on the reports
that Texas Senator Ted Cruz took a trip to Cancun
as the state was dealing with massive power outages,
something that had many of you upset online.
The statement from Cruz saying in part,
"With school canceled for the week,
"our girls asked to take a trip with friends.
"Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night
"and I'm flying back this afternoon."
- Oh, I see.
We all got this thing wrong.
Ted Cruz wasn't going on vacation, people.
He was just chaperoning his girls on the flight to Cancun.
So in some way, this was like a reverse "Taken".
"I want you to know that I'm a man
"with absolutely no skills whatsoever,
"and I'm gonna safely accompany my daughters on this trip."
Seriously, Ted Cruz blaming his daughters for this
is just gross.
Being a good father means putting them on a bus,
not throwing them under one.
Although to be fair, maybe Ted Cruz just doesn't know
what a good dad is.
I mean, his dad killed JFK.
Before we go, please people, you know this,
and if you don't, I'm gonna say it again.
Texas needs all the help they can get right now.
The blackout isn't just causing power and heating failures,
it's literally causing food insecurity all over the state.
Now one organization is on the ground in Houston
and they're called the Houston Food Bank, all right?
They're leading hunger relief
in 18 Southeast Texas counties.
So if you can help them out,
please donate whatever you can at the link below.
(upbeat music)