YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND SO MUCH TIME DEALING WITH THE ELEPHANTS
IN THE NEWSROOM, THAT I FORGET TO NOTICE THE SMALLER, BUT
EQUALLY COMPELLING NEWS BABOONS SHRIEKING AND HURLING THEIR
FECES.
AND SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DISPLAY THEM IN MY NEWS HABITAT OF A
SEGMENT...
"MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: PEOPLE LIKE THE MEANWHILE.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE MISS IT.
WHEN IT'S NOT HERE, THEY MISS IT.
MEANWHILE, AN OREGON MAN WHO WAS STRANDED IN HIS SNOWBOUND S.U.V.
FOR FIVE DAYS, TOLD RESCUERS HE SURVIVED ON TACO BELL SAUCE
PACKETS WHILE TRAPPED IN THE STORM.
THAT IS AMAZING!
THIS MAN SURVIVED DESPITE EATING TACO BELL.
( LAUGHTER )
JEREMY TAYLOR, THE HERO OF THIS STORY, IS AN OFF-ROADING FAN WHO
DROVE UP A FOREST SERVICE ROAD LAST WEEK, WITH HIS DOG ALLY--
SEEN HERE HAVING NO IDEA (BLEEP) ABOUT TO GET REAL.
FIVE DAYS LATER, AFTER BEING FOUND BY A PASSING SNOWMOBILER,
JEREMY TOOK TO FACEBOOK, JOKING "TACO BELL FIRE SAUCE SAVES
LIVES."
WHILE ALLY TOOK TO FACEBOOK, SAYING "LOOKING FOR NEW OWNER,
MUST HAVE CELL PHONE, PLEASE NO DUMB-DUMB."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAVE UNCOVERED AN ELIXIR OF
IMMORTALITY IN A 2000-YEAR-OLD CHINESE TOMB.
THOUGH, I DO HAVE SUSPICIONS THIS ELIXIR OF IMMORTALITY MAY
NOT WORK.
FIRST HINT?
THEY FOUND IT IN A TOMB.
( LAUGHTER )
BRONZE POT FILLED WITH A YELLOWISH LIQUID EXHIBITING A
VERY STRONG ALCOHOL-LIKE SMELL.
I REMEMBER MAKING A SIMILAR "ARCHAEOLOGICAL DISCOVERY" IN A
MILK JUG UNDER MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE'S BED.
( LAUGHTER )
BELIEVED THAT THE LIQUID WAS WINE, BUT FOUND THAT IT WAS, IN
FACT, A DIFFERENT SUBSTANCE AFTER "FURTHER LAB WORK," ALSO
KNOWN AS MAKING THE INTERN CHUG IT.
( LAUGHTER )
OF IMMORTALITY IS NOTHING MORE THAN A COMBINATION OF ANCIENT
CHEMICALS WITH NO REAL LIFE-EXTENDING PROPERTIES.
SO THESE ARCHAEOLOGISTS SHOULD DO THE LOGICAL THING AND SEND
IT TO ME!
( LAUGHTER )
SO THAT I MAY SHED THIS ACCURSED CHAINS OF MORTAL LIFE, AND RULE
ETERNAL OVER THE ARID LANDSCAPE ON A THRONE OF SKULLS, BRINGING
YOU JOKES ABOUT THE LATEST TRUMP GOOF-EM-UPS FOR UNTOLD AEONS TO
COME.
GICH ME...
THE ELIXIR!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OUT OVERNIGHT THAT AFTER MONTHS OF WAITING, "AN ANONYMOUS MEGA
MILLIONS LOTTERY WINNER HAS CLAIMED THE $1.5 BILLION JACKPOT
IN SOUTH CAROLINA."
FIRST OF ALL, WHY IS SOMEONE WINNING THE LOTTERY ALWAYS
REPORTED AS NEWS?
IT'S NOT A STORY.
SOMEONE WILL WIN.
JUST GO WITH A STANDARD HEADLINE: BREAKING NEWS: STILL
NOT YOU."
HERE'S WHAT'S CRAZY: ON THE DAY THEY BOUGHT THEIR WINNING
TICKET, "THE WINNER ALLOWED SOMEONE TO CUT IN FRONT OF HIM
OR HER IN LINE AT THE STORE TO BUY THE SAME KIND OF TICKET
BEFORE THE WINNER BOUGHT THEIR OWN."
OKAY, OKAY, NICE STORY.
BUT I THINK KARMA NEEDS TO RECALIBRATE THE DIALS A LITTLE.
LETTING SOMEONE IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE CORNER STORE SHOULD
BE GOOD FOR, LIKE, A FREE SLIM JIM.
( LAUGHTER )
ABRAHAM LINCOLN AS A YOUNG MAN JUST WENT VIRAL.
HERE IT IS.
DAMN!
I'M NOT SURE WHAT HE'S LIBERATING, BUT KEEP IT IN YOUR
PANTS, ABERCROMBIE & FITCH.
AND WHO DOES HE THINK HE'S FOOLING WITH THOSE BOOKS?
"OH, HEY MR. AND MRS. D.
I'M JUST HERE TO STUDY WITH BECKY."
"GET OUT, YOU PUNK!" PUT ON A SHIRT!
THE STATUE HAS BEEN IN THE LOS ANGELES STATE COURTHOUSE SINCE
1941, AND IS TITLED "YOUNG LINCOLN."
BUT AFTER GOING VIRAL, PEOPLE STARTED RENAMING IT "BABE-RAHAM
LINCOLN," "THE GETTYSBURG UNDRESS," AND "HONEST ABS."
( LAUGHTER )
BUT JUDGES WOULD ALSO HAVE ACCEPTED "THE GREAT
E-MANSCAPER," AND OF COURSE THE "RAIL-SPLITTER."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK