One thing that I have made abundantly clear
is that I do not want children.
I say it on stage.
I say it in interviews.
It's the first thing I say to myself in the mirror
when I wake up each morning right before I tell myself,
God, you're a dynamic woman.
Kids don't respect me, and quite frankly,
the feeling is mutual.
And the fact is there are millions of women
just like me, but for some reason
every single one of us at some point in our lives
is shamed by society for not wanting a baby.
And that's what I want to talk about in tonight's installment
of Long Story Short,.
[music playing]
In America, and honestly everywhere,
motherhood is treated as a woman's essential purpose
in life, as if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger
rip a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out.
And then as soon as we turn 18, we're
just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick Cannon
to impregnate us.
And look, I have infinite respect for moms,
but motherhood is hard.
It's so hard, it even broke Marie Kondo.
Tidying up was her life's work.
Then she has kids and was like, [bleep] it.
Living in squalor is fine.
So it really shouldn't be surprising that some women
aren't signing up.
But many people aren't just surprised, they're horrified.
Childless women are seen as unfulfilled,
unhappy, even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not
having children is selfish.
First of all, I am not going to take
procreation advice from a guy who's
never even penetrated anyone.
Well, not that we know of anyway.
And what's crazy is that for some reason,
people feel entitled to tell you what a horrible person
you are right to your face.
When people ask me do you have children,
and I say no, they always look at me then and say,
oh, I'm sorry, as if like there's something
like physically wrong with me.
I've had people break down in tears to me about the fact
that me not having children is robbing them of something.
I've gotten everything from your selfish
for not wanting children.
Your childhood must have been terrible if you
don't want to have children.
Are you one of these career-thirsty women that
doesn't want children, and how could you deny your man
the chance to have children.
I wouldn't want to be with you.
Yes, because men are so upset every time
they're denied a chance to have a child.
Watch an episode of Maury Povich
to see how excited men get to find
out that they are the father.
And it's bad enough when people judge your life
choices, but apparently childless women aren't just
harming themselves.
We're actually destroying society.
You look at Kamala Harris, AOC,
the entire future of the Democrats
is controlled by people without children.
And how does it make any sense that we've
turned our country over to people who don't really
have a direct stake in it?
We're effectively run in this country, via the Democrats,
via our corporate oligarchs by a bunch of childless cat
ladies who are miserable at their own lives
and the choices that they've made,
and so they want to make the rest of the country
miserable, too.
Maybe if you two weren't such boner killers
women would want to have more children.
I don't want to make the country miserable.
I love this country.
It's where all of my things are.
And I've got news for everyone.
Instead of shaming childless women
for what we're doing to the country,
you should be thanking us.
We are saving society.
We are more likely to give our money to charity.
We have a lower carbon footprint.
We're the reason there are fewer
screaming children on airplanes, in movie theaters,
and restaurants.
And every baby we don't give birth to
is one less baby that could grow
up to be the next Elon Musk.
And guess how many children he has?
Nine.
You better bring them all to Mars with you, buddy, OK?
And when are you going to Mars?
Go already!
But these Fox News trolls are right about one thing.
I am miserable.
In fact, I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed
the other day realizing how miserable I am.
I'm miserable on the beach.
And then here I am miserable on the top of a mountain.
And then here I am miserable scuba diving.
And then I'm miserable again smoking a joint in a hot tub.
Every day is truly a new circle of hell for me.
The simple truth is that I'm not having a kid because I'm
happier without them, and that's really not of anyone's
concern but my own.
And no, I don't hate kids.
I just don't want them.
That's what's so great about nieces and nephews.
I love being an aunt.
I'm crushing that role.
Guess who gave each one of them their first edible?
This girl.
Yeah!
But hey, what do I know?
I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable
waste of two ovaries.
So if you want to know the real issues with not having
children, you need to talk to your OB GYN
like I did take a look.
Oh.
I bet you have been around the world a couple of times.
You're like a pussy GoPro.
Oh.
- Chelsea. - Hey.
Hi.
Great to meet you.
You too.
So I'm just going over your chart here.
It says you don't plan on having any children.
No.
It actually says, quote, never, ever,
not even if me and Chris Hemsworth
were the last two humans on Earth.
Yeah, I mean, if he and I hooked up,
it would probably just be a bunch of butt play.
OK.
Well, not having kids is a big decision,
and you should know it's going to affect your body
and your life in a major way.
What kind of ways, doctor?
Well, for starters, your body will never
go through the trauma of childbirth.
You'll have what the medical community calls
beautiful, boisterous breasts, and a very tight,
tight, little, little vagina.
That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that
from different people that I've been having casual sex with,
giving me different kinds of compliments,
and I thought it was just dirty talk.
No, no, no.
That's a medical term.
How much sleep do you get?
I mean, it varies.
Anywhere from 8 to 16 hours a night,
you know, depending on what I get up to.
If I go to like one of Leo's sex parties,
I'll be up really, really late, and then I'll come home
and I'll be starving.
And then I'll have an entire pizza in my bed,
and then I just finish myself off one more
time and sleep like a baby.
Is that normal?
Perfectly normal for someone with your condition.
Great.
It's probably--
You have great muscle tone.
Thank you.
It's probably because I have so much free time to work
out after I'm sleeping.
Amen to that sister.
Are we doing anything that is going to require me to be
in a hospital gown today?
No.
Now I know all this information can be really overwhelming,
which is why I am going to prescribe
some recreational drugs.
Here's a sample for you to take home.
Oh my God, I love pills.
Thank you.
Oh, and there's one more thing we should talk about--
ultrasound.
Oh I didn't think I was getting an ultrasound today.
Ultrasound, the music festival.
Three days in the desert.
Lizzo headlining.
And I bet you can get there because why?
You don't have any kids at home to worry about.
Oh my God.
Thank you.
This is like the best doctor's appointment I've ever had.
You're so welcome, and you know what?
Literally nothing is going to go wrong for you.
It was so nice to meet you.
It was a pleasure to meet you, too.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh by the way, you do have gonorrhea.