- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now, today's question is all about oversharing.
But, before I jump into that, (mellow music)
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But, let's jump into this question.
"Hey Kati, how do I stop oversharing?
"I'm not sure why I do it, but sometimes,
"things just flow from my mouth,
"only to later regret being so open,
"and then feel bad and I'm not sure I feel this way
"because I've crossed a boundary
"or if it's for some other reason.
"So, where's the line?
"How do we know, and when we overstep,
"how do we fix it?"
Now, there are a lot of questions
to be answered within this question,
but the first component asking about
if we feel regret because we crossed a boundary,
the answer is usually yes.
But, before I get into it,
just understand that boundaries are kind of
emotional fences we've put up
to keep us and those in our lives safe,
meaning it's like a safe amount of space around us
that we feel good.
Having certain information go out is okay,
and certain information come in is okay,
but there's a certain level where we're like,
"Nope, that's not good."
And this could be a physical boundary,
like not wanting people to touch us too much,
or it could be emotional, like oversharing,
under-sharing, et cetera.
And in psychology, we talk a lot about boundaries
because boundaries are important
for healthy, happy relationships.
Because just like this person said in the question,
if we overshare, it can make us feel extremely vulnerable,
possibly too early in a relationship,
or keep us so closed off
that no one feels like they really know us.
So, having these healthy boundaries,
not being too rigid or too diffused, we call it.
Diffused is like having no boundary at all,
rigid is like nobody gets in, nobody gets out.
We wanna have somewhere in the middle
to cultivate healthy and happy relationships with others.
And the reason that I say yes to her question
that feeling regret and unease after sharing information
could mean we've crossed a boundary,
that's our body's way of telling us.
Our mind and body tell us when normal boundaries
within us have been crossed.
It's like our natural, knee-jerk reaction to things
being overexposed or underexposed,
and that's how, if we're gonna start doing
some personal research,
that's how we figure out where our boundaries lie.
Because a lot of my patients will say,
"I don't even know where my boundaries are.
"I only know when they've been crossed,
"or when I push people away,
"I only notice then."
But, recognizing that unease in ourselves
when we've shared information,
or when we push people away,
when we're like, oh, we feel guilty,
any kind of regret is usually our bodily response
to us running into a boundary.
Once we know what boundaries we have in place already,
then we can decide what we want to change.
Like in this person's question,
it sounds like we're kind of too diffused,
meaning we don't have enough boundaries
in place about what we share,
and then we're left feeling kind of remorseful
and regretting all that we've told people in our lives.
So, once we kind of know where that boundary is,
we start understanding how much we can share,
and then what are the lines?
Like, is it stuff about our own,
like, physical health that we don't like
to share with people,
or our sexual relationships with those
that we're in love with?
Or, is it stuff about family?
Like, what are the subject matters and certain,
you know, information that when we put out there,
we feel regret?
We have to kind of notice that.
Or, on the flip-side,
when is it where we feel like we
could share something, but we shut down
and we're not sure why?
Running into that rigid boundary,
like, meaning no information gets out.
Start paying attention and being mindful
of when we feel that regret or that guilt
about sharing or not sharing.
Then, decide how much you'd like
to change that.
Meaning, if we're completely diffused,
we might just want to cut back
on one certain topic.
Meaning I share too much about my mental health
with people I don't know that well,
and then it leaves me vulnerable to issues later.
So maybe, we only share, like,
"Hey, I went to therapy and things were okay,"
versus, "You know, I have bipolar disorder.
"I've been struggling with this since I was a teen
"and I think it all started,"
and we just go into this whole story.
Start paying attention to what you are okay sharing,
how much of it, and then practice it.
And another huge component
and an important part of boundaries
is to communicate them to people around us.
Now, I don't say everybody around us,
people that we're close with.
Letting them know that, "Hey, you know,
"I find I'm usually, like,
"I have verbal diarrhea, I just tell people everything
"and I can't even hold anything back,
"and so, I'm working on that.
"And this is what I'm comfortable sharing now and not."
You can communicate that to other people.
It's really important for them to understand,
because if we used to do something a certain way,
it's gonna feel a little uncomfortable
for them when we start doing it a different way.
And so, communicating that is always key.
I mean, communication in general is key in relationships,
but particularly when we're trying
to set and uphold new boundaries.
I also think it's always important,
if you notice in my videos,
to go back to the root, and like,
why it is that we overshare.
Because the person in this question
is saying that they struggle with oversharing,
they tell people a lot of stuff,
and then feel regret about it.
And the number one reason that I find people share too much
is because we were never shown
what's appropriate or not appropriate.
This could be because a parent
was always oversharing with us.
Part of our upbringing and part of our role
as a child was, unfortunately,
to be like a support to a parent,
meaning we're like a parentified child
or we have what we call, you know,
covert incest, meaning they're relying
on you emotionally when they shouldn't.
But, if a parent's always oversharing
and we grow up with that,
we can start to believe that that's,
like, a normal, healthy, happy relationship,
even though sometimes, we feel regret when we share things
and we don't really like it, but we're used to it
and it's comfortable.
And the second reason could be,
and you can see how it can build off of that,
is attachment.
If we weren't raised feeling like someone
would always come when we cried
and take care of us when we needed,
we can always be looking to fill that void,
and oversharing can be a way to tell people,
"Hey, I'm comfortable with you, I like you.
"Could you come over here and hang out with me
"and make me feel better?"
And I know that that sounds, like, really needy.
Don't look at it that way.
It's like we have this hole
from where a parent and attachment figure
was supposed to be, and they're not there.
And so, we're constantly looking to other people
to fill that hole and to help us feel better.
And so, oversharing could be one
of the ways that we try to do that.
And the last most common reason that I see is trauma.
And the reason I say trauma, you might be like,
"Well, that came out of left field."
But, trauma leads to a lot of black and white thinking,
it can be all or nothing, we can feel safe or unsafe,
we can love people, hate people,
because certain people that maybe we thought
were safe turned out not to be.
And so, we can't really trust how we feel
and everything feels chaotic,
and we tend to jump in extremes.
And so, I find, due to trauma 'cause it
can affect our attachment and black and white thinking,
those of us who've been traumatized
in our past can overshare or under-share
and struggle with healthy boundaries in our life.
And so, that's why I think trauma's just another reason
that we could struggle with oversharing.
And most importantly, how do we fix it?
Now first, I kind of already talked about boundary-setting,
paying attention to what our body and mind tell us,
and how it feels when we overshare or under-share.
Notice that, listen to it.
And then, journal about it.
It takes a long time for us to really get
to know ourselves.
I know that sounds weird,
but we often don't spend enough time talking to ourselves,
listening to ourselves, listening to our body,
what our mind tells us, how we're responding to people
and why that is.
Be quiet and listen, go inside, be introspective,
look around, figure it out, and write it out
because then, we can fully understand
why we're doing it, how often we're doing it,
and what changes we can make.
And then, get into therapy.
Therapy's amazing.
I don't just say that because I'm a therapist,
I say that as an avid therapy-goer
because it gives us a safe place
to kinda talk about that stuff.
It might be really scary to talk about all
that's going on inside you to those around you
who know you in real life.
And I don't say, like, therapy's not real life,
but I mean, it's a safer space.
It's confidential.
We can talk it out and figure out
where that thought's coming from
and why that happens,
and know that it's safe and non-judgemental.
And my last tip is just being mindful.
I often tell my patients,
when you just don't quite feel right,
but you don't know why, start noticing your five senses.
Feel it in your body, notice how you respond
to certain sounds, scents,
certain ways that people act around you.
Pay attention, feel it.
Feel how tense you are in your neck
when a certain person's around
or a certain situation comes about
because all of that is great information
to help us better understand
why we're responding the way we're responding.
And often, we're just reacting, right,
out of an impulse.
That's that black and white thinking,
that's the attachment, the trauma that could cause us
to overshare or under-share without even meaning to.
But, the more we slow down,
we take a breath, we feel how we're feeling,
we listen to how we're thinking,
and we respond thoughtfully,
the less likely we'll be to overshare or under-share,
the better we'll feel in control
of how other people perceive us
and what information we put out into the world.
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But, as always, I don't know everything.
I wanna know what you think.
Have you struggled with oversharing?
How did you fix it?
What caused it for you?
Let us know in those comments down below
and I will see you next time, bye.