>> James: HELLO, GOOD EVEING.
WELCOME TO THE LATE LATE SHOW.
I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD THURSDAY.
HERE WE ARE.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: YOU KNOW, TWO
FULL DAYS LATER, AND AS OF OUR TAPING THIS AFTERNOON,
RIGHT NOW, STILL NO WINNER HAS BEEN DECLARED IN THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
VOTES ARE STILL BEING COUNTED.
NEW NUMBERS ARE COMING EN. IN.
>>> HONESTLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW IN THE WEEDS I
AM IN ON THIS.
I THOUGHT, I HOPE I CAN GET MORE VOTES THAN TRUMP.
AND NOW I'M FEELING GOOD, ABOUT THE MAIL-IN VOTES
FROM SUBURBAN PENNSYLVANIA.
IT IS GOING TO COME DOWN TO ARIZONA AND COOK
COUNTY.
I CAN TELL YOU, THE WHOLE WAY.
REG, HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO STAY AS ZEN THROUGH THIS
AS YOU WERE ON ELECTION NIGHT?
>> YEAH.
I JUST PRETEND I'M IN ANOTHER TIME PERIOD.
>> James: YEAH.
>> IT IS JUST ANOTHER REGULAR DAY.
>> James: THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT BECAUSE
THERE IS SOMET NOTHING WE CAN DO.
REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE EQUATION.
YOU'LL FIND OUT WHO WON.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> James: TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE'LL BE TALKING TO
THE ALWAYS BRILLIANT TIG NOTARO, AND WE HAVE A
PERFORMANCE FROM CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES WILL BE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
I NEED TO KNOW WHERE I'M GOING TO BE.
AM I GOING TO BE ANGRY FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS OR
JUST YES, SURE, WHATEVER.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: EVERYBODY
AROUND ME JUST SEEMS TO DIGGING THROUGH POLLING
STATE WEBSITES FOR INFO.
I FEEL ESPECIALLY SORRY FOR HUNTER BIDEN.
HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A LAPTOP ANYMORE.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: WE'RE STILL
WAITING FOR RESULTS FROM A HANDFUL OF KEY STATES,
INCLUDING NEVADA, A STATE WHICH COULD POSSIBLY PUT
BIDEN OVER THE TOP.
NEVADA AS ALL-NIGHT CASINOS AND ALL-NIGHT
WEDDING CHAPELS, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO COUNTING
VOTES, LET'S ALL GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND
COME BACK TOMORROW.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: I'VE ONLY BEEN
IN THIS COUNTRY A SHORT TIME, I'M CERTAINLY NO
EXPERT ON HISTORY, BUT THIS REMINDS ME OF
CONTENTIOUS ELECTION IN 1876BETWEEN SAMUEL TILDEN
AND RUTHERFORD B. HAYES.
WE ALL KNOW HOW MESSY THAT GOT.
REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME, IT HAS BEEN AN HISTORY RIC
ELECTION.
IS JOE BIDEN HAS RECEIVED MORE VOTES THAN ANY OTHER
PRESIDENT IN ALL OF HISTORY.
BUT BEFORE HE GETS TOO COCKY, REMEMBER WE HAVEN'T
COUNTED ALL OF KANYE'S BOOKS.
AND THIS EVENING, AS WE WERE STARTING TO TAPE THE
SHOW, THE PRESIDENT SPOKE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE,
WHERE HE OPENED WITH THIS JAW-DROPPING STATEMENT.
>> President Trump: IF YOU COUNT THE LEGAL VOTES,
I EASILY WIN.
IF YOU COUNT THE ILLEGAL VOTES, THEY CAN TRY TO
STEAL THE ELECTION FROM US.
>> James: I MEAN, TRUMP HASN'T EVEN LOST YET.
THIS IS HIM JUST WARMING UP.
LIKE IF THIS WAS AN '80s ACTION MOVIE, THAT SPEECH
SHOULD BE THE PART WHERE THE BAD GUY SUDDENLY
REALIZES HE IS SURPEDED SURROUNDED,AND HE TAKES A HUMAN
SHIELD AND SAYS, I'M WALKING OUT HERE ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER.
THE WHOLE THING WAS RIDICULOUSLY TROUBLED.
>> President Trump: AS YOU KNOW, I'VE CLAIMED
CERTAIN STATES, AND HE IS CLAIMING STATES, BUT
ULTIMATELY I HAVE THE FEELING THAT JUDGES ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO RULE.
THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF SHENANIGANS, AND WE CAN'T
STAND FOR THAT IN OUR COUNTRY.
>> James: THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHOULD LEGALLY
BE ALLOWED TO USE THE WORD SHENANIGANS IS JOE BIDEN.
UNDER THE MALARKEY CLAUSE OF 2020.
WHEN LAUNCHING A FULL-SCALE ASSAULT ON THE
DEMOCRATIC VOTING PROCESS, ALWAYS GOOD TO THROW A
FOLKSY WORD IN THERE.
IT MAKES THE WHOLE THING A BIT MORE PALATABLE.
SHENANIGANS, AS TRUMP IS SAYING THIS THAT JOE BIDEN
IS TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION BY DING-DONGING
THE WHITE HOUSE.
AND I THINK THIS IS IMPORTANT, THOSE PEOPLE
FROM CNN, WHICH IS THE ONLY NETWORK THAT CARRIED
THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH.
CBS, NBC, AND ABC REFUSED TO AIR THE SPEECH BECAUSE
IT WAS SO FULL OF MISLEADING INFORMATION.
I DON'T IF I'VE EVER EVEN HEARD OF SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
HAVE YOU, IAN?
>> NO.
THAT'S THE FIRST FOR ME.
>> James: WHAT WE'RE SAYING IS THAT THE NETWORK
THAT AIRS THE BACHELORETTE THINKS THE PRESIDENT'S
SPEECH WAS BENEATH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
THERE IS A PERFECT PHOTO IN THE PRESS ROOM, LOOK AT
THIS, IT IS DONALD TRUMP WITH AN EXIT SIGN.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: NOW THAT'S
SHENANIGANS.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: YOU KNOW
THINGS ARE GOING BAD WHEN EVEN THE PRESS ROOM'S FURN
FURNISHINGS ARE ROASTING YOU.
TRUMP SUPPORTERS IN ARIZONA AND MICHIGAN WERE
OUT THERE LAST NIGHT SAYING...WELL, EVERYTHING.
>> COUNT THE VOTES!
[YELLING] >> James: I'M JUST GLAD
EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE, YOU KNOW?
BY THE WAY, THOSE TRUMP SUPPORTERS IN ARIZONA WERE
ALSO ANGRY AT FOX NEWS BECAUSE THE NETWORK HAD
CALLED THE STATE FOR JOE BIDEN ON ELECTION NIGHT.
AT ONE POINT THEY STARTED SHOUTING SHAME ON FOX.
>> SHAME ON FOX!
SHAME ON FOX!
>> James: JOKES ON THEM BECAUSE NO ONE AT FOX NEWS
HAS AN OUNCE OF SHAME.
SHAME ON FOX.
STOP THE COUNT.
HONESTLY, THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND MORE LIKE A
TERRIBLE SERIES OF CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: COME ON NOW,
WE'RE GOING TO READ "STOP THE COUNT."
ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT TO READ "COUNT THE VOTES,"
FINE.
"SHAME ON FOX," YEAH, WE CAN READ "SHAME ON FOX."
IAN, WHAT ARE REPUBLICANS GOING TO WATCH IF THEY
GIVE UP ON FOX NEWS?
>> I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.
THEY CAN LISTEN TO MY PODCAST.
>> James: HERE WE GO.
MY WEIGHT, SO I'M BASICALLY TRUMP.
>> James: IT LOOKS LIKE REPUBLICANS WILL END UP
GAINING QUITE A FEW SEATS IN THE HOUSE, AND AS A
RESULT SOME DEMOCRATS ARE PRIVATELY CONSIDERING
PLANS TO CHALLENGE NANCY PELOSI AS SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE.
COMMON, SHE IS ONLY 80 YEARS OLD.
YOU WOULDN'T BENCH LEBRON IN THIS PRIME.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: THE CHALLENGER
COULD BE CONGRESSMAN AKEEM JEFFRIES, BUT I'LL
WITHHOLD JUDGMENT UNTIL I CAN SEE HOW SARCASTICLY HE
CAN CLAP.
A RETAILER IN THE U.K. HAS INTRODUCED A CHRISTMAS
SCENE CRONUT, AND IT TRENDED BECAUSE OF THE
NAME THEY DECIDED TO GIVE IT.
IT IS FEATURING SANTA'S BELT REGION, AND THEY'RE
CALLING IT SANTA'S YUMNUTS.
>> WHAT?
>> James: I'M NOT JOKING.
I COULD MAKE IT PAST THE BELT BUCKLE, BUT I CAN'T
MAKE IT PAST THAT NAME.
SANTA'S YUMNUTS.
IT'S A BELT BUCKLE, AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL
IT?
SANTA'S YUMNUTS.
SOUNDS LIKE SANTA IS TURNING INTO A BIT OF A
HO, HO, HO, HO, HO.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS, WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
>> James: THERE IS NOBODY IN THAT MARKETING
MACHINE, IN THE BRAINSTORM SESSIONS, HAD ANY
OBJECTIONS TO THIS.
SANTA'S YUMNUTS, COOL.
AND THE SLOGAN IS GOING TO BE, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
SWALLOW SANTA'S YUMNUTS.
WOULD YOU EAT SANTA'S YUMNUTS?
>> YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]