(cards shuffling)
(mouse clicks)
- What is the hardest thing about being my friend?
(whispers) Not being my lover.
(both laugh)
- Do your best impression of me.
(both chuckling)
- "My name is Robbie, I've got lactose intolerance."
(both laugh)
- Hang on, I've got one for you.
- (mumbles)
(both laugh)
(Michael mumbles)
- What do I do that makes you feel I understand you?
- Often, when you come home, you'll bring, like,
the right snack but, like... the right snack.
So, like, it's either a Twirl
or it's either gonna be a can of Coke
even though you know I hate Pepsi,
'cause Pepsi is garbage water.
- Pepsi is the gods juice, - And---
- it's grown from a tree.
- when I know that you've bought me a bottle of Coke,
it's like, "he's thinking about me."
- When Adam and Eve picked an apple from the tree,
it was actually a can of Pepsi.
Pepsi Max, obviously.
What are you hesitant to tell me?
- Everything.
(Michael laughs)
- Everything, but that's not your fault, either.
At the moment, my brain doesn't work.
But no, I don't think that there's nothing
that I wouldn't want to tell you,
but there's many things that I'm always hesitant
about how I tell you, does that make sense?
- Yeah, well that's because I reacted to things
because I'm fucking disabled
and you'll say something
and it won't be loaded whatsoever and I'll be like
"What the fuck did you mean by that, Robbie?"
- Yeah, and I'll be like, "I actually don't know."
- And I'll be like, "So you don't love me anymore, do you?"
(Michael laughing)
- So, but yeah, no.
I tell you everything, anyway.
So I don't really keep secrets from Michael,
maybe my wife - oops.
(Michael laughs)
- We cut that out of the post, right?
What do you think I need from you
and are you providing that?
- Love, and yes.
Also, work.
- (laughs) Work.
- And now I am.
- And now you are... good.
- But mainly love.
- What do you think is my sexiest quality, Robbie?
- Those thick ears.
(both laugh)
- Your big boy earlobes.
- To be honest, when I see you
with girls that you haven't just met on Tinder,
and actually having a human conversation,
that to me I'm like, (snaps fingers)
"That's my boy."
Because, it's like when you're like, I don't know,
when it's someone you've met online, apart from myself,
I am the exception to the rule,
it just seems like you're not really into it.
- I like that answer, Robbie.
I think that's a good answer.
I thought you were gonna say my ass
'cause I've got a nice ass but thank you.
- No.
- You know it.
- Not an ass man.
- No, yeah, true, you're not.
- How do you think me becoming a father
will affect our relationship?
That's a good, poignant question.
- I think it will help you grow up in the way
that I was forced to grow up
because of raising my sister's kids and things.
I think it will only affect it positively.
It will help you probably understand a lot more
about what it was like for me looking after kids
and how hard it is and the stress that's involved
but I also think it will bring us closer
because I'll be able to help.
- Cool.
- Slash, you'll get fat.
- Yeah, I'll get very fat.
- I know, you'll get a dad bod within days.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get very fat.
- I'll love it.
- I'm already starting on my sympathy pregnancy weight.
- If you could change one thing about our relationship,
what would it be and why?
More fucking?
(both laughing)
- I don't actually know what I would change.
- If there was something to change,
I don't think we'd have the relationship we do.
- No.
To be honest, if there was something to change,
like last night, we would talk about it,
and we would change.
- Yeah, well exactly.
when we have issues, we're just like,
"Yo, that's not okay."
And then it's like... sweet.
I'd change into shorts, I'm so hot.
- Yeah, I also have those regrets.
- Oh, I'm wearing my cunt socks.
Yeah, maybe not.
- What's something you never would have done
if it wasn't for me?
- Left (name silenced), moved to Christchurch,
not killed myself.
- Sorry (name silenced).
(both laugh)
- Like I've said before,
I don't think I'd be alive if it wasn't for you.
So, live?
- That's deep.
- Yeah, thank you.
What do you see in me that I don't see for myself?
- You don't actually see how much fun you are.
You don't see how even just you being you is fun
and that you aren't boring.
- And that probably stems from that
low self-worth.
Like nobody loves me kind of thing though
'cause that's like, if I really was that great,
why do people leave kind of thing.
I think that's probably on that deeper level.
But yes, thank you.
I like hearing those things.
I like to think that I'm fun.
I mean, I know I'm good looking, but...
(both laugh)
What?
- Do you want me..?
- Yeah, ask me the question.
- Oh okay, yeah.
What is this?
Sorry, I'm reading upside down,
I'm not good at this - what do you see in me
that I don't see for myself?
- How strong you are, I think.
- Not physically (laughs).
- No I mean, definitely,
that's what you've got me for.
I think you underestimate how your best friend
has crippling anxiety, depression,
has PTSD, ADHD, whatever you wanna fucking say
and he's weird as fuck.
Your wife is pregnant
and has severe depression, et cetra et cetra.
I think that's fucking strong it is to fucking
get up every day and be like fucking just championing it.
There you go, look, I saw the tears forming in your eyes
about how beautiful that was.
You're like, "Damn, Michael loves me so much."
I see it, I feel it.
We're out of cards.
- Yeah.
- Well nice to meet you, dude.
- Yeah you too, man, it's been a pleasure.
(both laugh)
What did you say your name was again?
- Pete.
- Yeah.
- What about you?
- Bob.
- Damnit! Why'd I have to pick one that's actually
kind of a nickname for my name.
- Pete's my middle name.
- Oh yeah, it is.
- That's why I picked it.
And that's why I thought you picked Bob.
- Oh no.
- Because technically that's still...
Yeah. Once we're done here,
we'll fucking (mumbles)
- See, I told you that impression was good.
- (Michael laughs (mumbles)
- What's up beautiful people?
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