- Peyton Manning played a lot of football
and, if I'm being honest, he wasn't half bad.
He earned four MVP awards as a Colt then,
after a year missed because of neck surgeries,
Manning won a fifth as a Bronco.
Add a couple Super Bowls, a handful of records,
one of the greatest SNL sketches of all time,
and it was a pretty good career.
That's why it's with so much pleasure
that today we get to dig up a game so terrible,
so hysterically inept that,
even as Peyton set new NFL records,
when they burned the film from the game
it smelled like Big Foot's dick.
This is the worst Peyton Manning performance.
November 15th, 2015 in Denver, Colorado
at a stadium whose naming rights belonged to
a company less than five months away
from filing for bankruptcy.
The seven-and-one Broncos were hosting
the three-and-five Kansas City Chiefs.
It was a divisional rematch from week two,
so we'd already seen the nearly 40-year-old Peyton
attack this defense for 250 and three scores.
Proof that in a season many believed would be his last,
Manning was still capable of looking like his old self.
The problem was, this year he more often just looked old.
I mean, heading into week 10 he had
a worse passer rating on the season
than what Brandon Weeden managed
in his four games as a Cowboy.
And he got benched for Matt Cassel.
So, not great.
But one thing Peyton had working for him
was the Broncos' defense.
They had more than stepped up to keep Denver near
the top of the league with eight games to go.
And even if this wasn't the best
Manning had looked in his career,
he was still on track to pick up a pair of records.
First, he was just three yards away from passing Brett Favre
for most passing yards in a career.
And second, with one win, he would also pass Favre
for most career, regular season wins.
The latter he had just missed out on in week nine,
when Peyton returned to Indianapolis but fell short.
Still, there was half a season left,
so plenty of chances for the future Hall of Famer
to notch one more win.
And his next crack came at home against a team
he had already beaten that year.
Easy.
It didn't matter that a sore foot and ribs
had kept him from practicing the full week,
Manning was ready to give the home crowd reason to cheer.
I mean, look at him.
That enthusiasm, that energy,
that beautiful smile or whatever.
Denver got the ball to start,
so Manning immediately got his chance to make history.
And after handing off to Ronnie Hillman twice,
Peyton bought time and just launched one,
Ggoing for the record in style and, okay, let's pause it.
So right here is a pretty good time to let you know
that this is going to get real bad.
Like, see this frame?
This turned into one of the less egregious
of his interceptions.
So if you like good football, avert your eyes.
Okay Jiazhen, can you rewind a little
and we can see this car crash in full?
Nice, thanks.
- Omaha, hut!
- [Announcer] Manning going deep
and is intercepted mid-field!
- Peyton, you have a literal passing academy, come on!
He entered the game leading the league in interceptions
so maybe this was all just a ploy to also earn
the career record in that category as well.
After the Chiefs' offense turned the pick into a touchdown,
Manning's second drop back of the game resulted
in a sack/fumble.
But Denver managed to fall on it,
which led to the inevitable history.
But even that felt like a flop.
Needing three yards, Peyton found Hillman
who picked up four.
He's done it, with room to spare.
Now watch as Manning tried to just keep things going and,
ah man, those bastards had to stop the game and honor him.
Everybody cheered.
He waved.
Threw his best pass of the day over to the sideline
to begin the ball's march to Canton and,
these guys definitely mixed up which is which, didn't they?
Y'all had one job.
But I guess, so did Peyton and he forgot how to do it, so...
Time for rapid fire near misses.
His next pass was high and behind Emmanuel Sanders
and nearly led to his second interception.
After a bubble screen gained one yard,
Manning forced his receiver to become the defender
and break up another potential pick.
Then, with confidence already waning,
once the Broncos got the ball back
he threw what looked like an interception in real time,
but was a great snag by Demaryius Thomas
to give Denver their first first down of the game.
That was followed up by an eight-yard gain
from Virgil Green, which made it almost feel like
the offense was finding a rhythm.
But this is the Worst, so his next pass 100%
should have been picked by Marcus Peters.
Because Manning's a good sport
he knew KC deserved to have the ball,
so he gave it to them one down later.
Sure, this one's more on Sanders
getting tangled up with Sean Smith,
but sometimes it be like that.
When Denver got the ball next, now down 13 nothing,
Manning showed his wisdom by just hitting the turf
to avoid a more punishing sack
and gave a portrait-worthy pose.
I'm choosing to gloss over two incompletions
to get to one more dogshit interception.
Manning never saw Josh Mauga drop back into coverage
and seemed to short circuit.
Watch Peyton up here just spin around
and run in the wrong direction.
Like he witnessed his own complacency
and looked for the nearest place to go hide.
But you can't hide from this stink, Peyton.
He wouldn't complete another pass in the first half
and even his own team looked to prevent further calamity
when a Denver offensive lineman tried to sack him.
Halftime momentarily provided mercy
and gave us time to double check how he did.
Oh god, my abacus is on fire.
He only got another six snaps,
completed one pass for five yards,
and finished his day with this arm punt to Ron Parker.
Disaster complete.
Peyton had led Denver's offense to three first downs,
two of which thanks to the legs of Hillman,
five three-and-outs, plus four interceptions.
Those nine drives combined for 49 total yards of offense
and a perfect 0.0 passer rating.
The only time that happened in Manning's career.
Even the time that he threw six interceptions,
he managed to do enough to put the Colts in position
to almost win the game had it not been
for Adam Vinatieri missing a chip-shot field goal.
If you're wondering about if he ever threw for less yardage,
there were just two other times in his career
where he did worse.
Both came in week 17 games
where he only threw the ball twice.
And in most of those week 17,
"don't need 60 minutes of Peyton games,"
he at least moved the ball somewhat when he was throwing it.
If you're really into numbers,
let me introduce you to the most damning one:
adjusted yards gained per pass attempt.
This is a calculation of yards mixed
with touchdowns and interceptions,
which generally seems like it was just built
for the sake of quantifying negativity.
If you look at some of the worst quarterback performances,
you have to scroll a while before you find Peyton.
That's because looking at every post-merger game
where someone threw at least 20 passes,
there has never been anyone to finish worse
than Manning did against the Chiefs.
Joe Namath shares the spot with him
thanks to an impressive six-interception performance,
but that duo stands alone deep at the bottom of a pit.
But this game isn't the worst
just because he did football bad.
It had a larger impact that we only recently overcame.
It was bigger than just Peyton.
Like, literally.
This blurred monster was allowed to become a thing.
Schlock Frostweiler,
the seven-foot "Twilight" looking backup took over.
While they still lost, he got the start a week later
due to Manning's foot getting worse.
And Schlossweiler continued to steer the ship
even after Peyton got healthy.
Manning eventually took over for
a struggling Cake Bossweiler in week 17
and led a comeback victory that earned the Broncos
the AFC's number one seed in the playoffs.
He then led them through the playoffs,
he beat the Panthers for another Super Bowl win,
got to go out on top, blah blah blah,
back to the worst part.
This lanky son of a bitch was a free agent
and had done enough to make the Texans believe
he was worth a massive contract.
One season in Houston proved that to be a mistake.
So much so that the Texans had to pull off
one of the most bizarre, but pretty brilliant, trades
in recent history with the Browns.
This two-story-tall black spot on the league
wouldn't have been possible without Peyton making
a mess against the Chiefs that November day.
Or it would have come like a week later
because Manning was pretty shitty that year.
While this day was by far the worst,
it was the low point of a low regular season.
Peyton finished just one shy of
the league lead for interceptions.
And Bortles made his mess over a full 16 games
like a respectable idiot.
Then again, that's just proof that
even when Manning decided to stink it up,
he did it at a Hall of Fame level.
He managed to play so poorly that it made
the efforts of a Robert Pattinson impersonator
look somewhat competent.
It's quite the achievement really.
In a single afternoon he set an NFL record
for career yardage, played poorly enough to get benched,
provided a springboard for mediocrity
to get paid at an elite level,
and then down the road swooped back in to win it all.
Peyton Manning, the best at being the worst.
So Peyton managed to go out on top,
but not everyone has been as lucky.
Dan Marino, for instance.
He got benched in his final game,
which came during the playoffs.
And I deem that episode a must watch.
Or check out this other one, I don't know,
it's your time, do whatever you want.
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