All right, we've got 6 minutes
to get through 15 minutes
worth of material.
No more interruptions.
Looking at you, Seth.
Now--
(phone ringing)
(audience laughing)
Who didn't turn off their phone?
And also, before we get to that,
who's ringer is from 1998?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Is this a prank?
(audience laughing)
Why did you just kiss her?
Is it her phone?
Was it your phone?
I can't tell.
You're smiling in a joyous way.
This is why you guys are--
- That was not my phone.
- It was not your phone.
- She's taking the fall.
So it was your phone.
Bring it?
I will bring it, sir.
(audience laughing)
So I got divorced.
(audience laughing)
Even with anything,
that's going to look insane.
You're all going to come across
like, I got divorced.
(laughing)
Despair fuels us here
in Utah.
(audience laughing)
Well, here's the thing that no one
tells you about getting divorced,
and it's like it's just the amount
of just-- you just cry just
at the drop of a hat
like I never have before.
And I am a straight white man who
is raised in the '90s.
I was never taught to cry.
The women in this room, you all know
how to do it.
Single tear.
Every bad thing that's ever happened
to you is told to the other person
in about 45 seconds
and then you go--
and then you have a pastry
and you're fine.
(audience laughing)
Have you seen a man
around my age cry?
It's awful.
There's nose blowing and
like I've never seen a woman have
to blow their nose mid cry.
I need like eight handkerchiefs
and a tarp or I'm just soaked.
And I remember one time
in particular I
was walking to a grocery store
and something just triggered
memories of my relationship.
I don't know if it was a pigeon--
I don't know why I picked pigeon.
(audience laughing)
What a horrible tableau
of my marriage I'm painting.
I saw a pigeon and I just thought,
mm, dirty and outside,
just like how when I was married.
(audience laughing)
That's not true at all.
There was just something that just
triggered me and I just then--
I started crying.
And I should have gone home.
I should have gone home because I'm
not good-- this is going to be
an insult, but based on the way
your face is structured,
I bet you you cry really nicely.
I do not.
Like when I cry it's like I'm trying
to warn people about an explosion
that I know I can't prevent.
(audience laughing)
This is how brutal the cry was--
I walked in to the grocery store
and the security guard just nodded
and started following me
through the store.
(audience laughing)
And I'm passing people as I'm
getting my items, all of them
looking at me with a face that says,
what is this grocery store out of?
And why do you need it so badly, sir?
I finally got to the produce
section.
That is my favorite section
of any grocery store
because that is where we're
all liars.
I don't care how virtuous and clean
your soul is, when you were
at a grocery store,
you're telling some fibs
to yourself.
None of us
know how to test the fruit--
wow, I just had a stroke.
(audience laughing)
Don't worry,
those of you on the left side
will get the full performance.
(audience laughing)
You guys, it's going to be a bit
delayed.
(audience laughing)
I think that was the greatest
reaction to a stroke
that I've ever seen.
Sir, I have definitely not been
your cup of tea.
You've laughed twice and nodded
once, but you went.
(audience laughing)
And I have to tell you,
that is equivalent to a standing
ovation in my heart.
(audience laughing)
I just want to take this opportunity
to apologize to the editors
of this set.
It's going to be a real hoot
to piece this one together.
(audience laughing)
I can see the YouTube comments now.
Was this comedian hit in the head
before the show?
During, in fact.
(audience laughing)
They call that the Provo kiss.
(audience laughing)
Ah well, at least I'm having fun.
Now listen, so I'm in the produce
section just covered in tears.
Oh, you thought that bit was over?
Absolutely not.
(audience laughing)
The timing of it
is destroyed so the laughs thus far
will be diminished
or the laughs moving forward--
just stop trying to explain
the bit, John.
You got it.
(audience laughing)
So I'm just melting down
in the grocery store.
I'm not having a good time.
I'm in the produce section.
I like the produce section
because that's where we all go
to be liars.
I don't know how to tell if a melon
is fresh.
I think I once had a dream
that someone told me that if you
shake a melon
and it makes a clicking noise,
it is not fresh.
(audience laughing)
So I was shaking some melons,
having a wonderful time.
(audience laughing)
Then I head over to the bananas.
That is the only fruit that we all
know how to check.
You look at it and if it's green,
mm.
If it's greenish yellow,
give it a try.
Yellow, party time.
And brown, throw it away.
You now just have a fruit fly
welcomer in your kitchen.
(audience laughing)
So I'm by the bananas
and I'm still just
(crying)
this man just walks up
and he goes, "my friend,
"you look like you need a laugh.
"Would you like to hear a joke?"
Yes, I would like to hear a joke.
And then he just picked up a banana
and went, "this banana
"and me are both from Guatemala."
(audience laughing)
And then he peeled the banana,
ate it, and walked out
of the grocery store.
(audience laughing)
That is the most complicated
shoplifting plan I've ever heard of.
All right, I'm going to steal
a banana.
I need a crying man.
"Why don't you go for the cash
"register?"
I have a plan.
Don't question it.
One last thing about my divorce--
people do say you got divorced,
do you regret getting married?
Do you regret having a wedding?
Do you regret going through all
those things?
No, I do not.
It was a very hopeful experience.
We tried something and we failed.
There's nothing wrong
with falling down.
And I enjoyed being married.
I did not enjoy having a wedding.
That's a day of lies.
I'm sorry.
Marriage is amazing.
It's a bonding between two souls.
The wedding day, what?
No.
They say things like that's
the happiest day of your life.
I don't know if any of you
have ever bought dinner
for your parents' friends.
(audience laughing)
That's not really on my bucket list.
And maybe it's just because I've had
a crazy life.
My wedding day, even
with the divorce, is the second best
day of my life.
The first best day?
Well, I once was on a bus,
and a homeless man farted so loud
it knocked over a child.
(audience laughing)
Seeing my girlfriend walk up
the aisle of a church
will not make me that happy.
(audience laughing)
Maybe if she burps and it knocks
over the priest.
Maybe.
(audience laughing)
I really enjoy performing for you
guys as a crowd
because in every premise,
your energy goes from like we like
you to where is this going?
Where's this going, John?
(audience laughing)
We trust you, but you've taken us
on some turns!
(audience laughing)
Most comedians want laughter
and applause.
I want one woman to cough
so intensely everyone after a year
of COVID just went, what was that?
Kill them.
(audience laughing)
Have you guys sneezed in public
recently?
It's the most rebellious thing
you can do.
Oh, I love-- achoo.
"What's wrong with you?"
(audience laughing)
I was recently near some wool.
(audience laughing)