You know, “ultimate” is not a term that should be used lightly.
Like, you can’t just say you’re the Ultimate Warrior unless you got tassels on your boots,
and you growl like a hallucinating walrus.
Now you’re an Ultimate Warrior, brother.
There may be others, but you’re the ultimate.
And this game wants to be the ultimate, but without doing the requisite gorilla-press
slams.
Which aren’t easy to do, I know, but that’s what makes you ultimate.
I’m not sure this is Ultimate Tetris, but it is…Tetris Ultimate, for the Nintendo
3DS.
So if you’re wondering what more you can do with a new Tetris game…well, the answer
is apparently “not much.”
But then again, it doesn’t really matter.
Tetris is one of those games that’s, just…look, they release a version for pretty much every
console, and then people purchase it.
Even if they’ve purchased other versions.
Because it’s Tetris.
Every console needs a little Tetris.
It’s just that some consoles get an awesome Tetris.
Like Tetris DS, for example, and the Tetris Party games for the Wii.
Those games actually did something different with Tetris.
But this one, though?
This one’s sort of, just…it’s basically just Tetris, on the 3DS.
I don’t know what’s so ultimate about that.
And I mean, it’s not like that’s a bad thing.
Tetris is still Tetris.
It’s just that this one’s a very barebones Tetris.
And you can tell just by looking at it.
The presentation is pretty sparse.
It has this blue, computer-screen kind of look that’s very clean, and very sleek…but
also very plain.
And not sleek enough that it looks cool—I mean, it actually looks kind of boring.
But I do like the contrast of the colorful Tetris pieces against that plain background.
The tetrominoes really pop, visually.
And the use of your Mii at least adds a little character.
Or in my case, sex appeal.
Anyway, the gameplay’s as great as ever.
Tetris is probably the greatest puzzle game ever made, so no worries there.
In fact, Tetris is like the Jennifer Aniston of video games.
Twenty, thirty, forty years later, it still hasn’t aged, and you’d still like to see
it naked.
None of that Horrible Bosses crap, either.
I’m talking fully bare tetrominoes.
Brad Pitt’s an idiot, by the way.
And you’re probably thinking the same thing about me, watching me play Tetris.
I bet I’m missing all kinds of obvious moves.
And I bet it’s driving you guys crazy.
So obviously, with any new Tetris game, the biggest thing is gonna be the gameplay modes.
How many different modes are there?
Fortunately, there’s a crap load of them in this one.
For single-player, there’s Marathon mode, where you have to clear 15 levels are fast
as you can; there’s an Endless mode, which is, you know, endless; as well as a Sprint,
which has you clearing 40 lines as fast as possible; and Ultra, which is liked a timed
mode.
Of course, if you have purchased a prior version of Tetris, you might notice all those modes
have been in prior versions of Tetris.
So like I said, not much unique about this one, with the exception being the Challenge
modes, which are both new, and a pain in the ass.
Like a freshly burst hemorrhoid.
Tell you what, though.
If there’s one cool thing about Tetris Ultimate…is that all those game modes also support multiplayer.
Including Download Play, which means your deadbeat friends don’t even have to buy
their own copy.
I’d charge them, like…a dollar per download, but that’s entirely up to you.
You can also play online…at least, in theory.
I didn’t find anyone to play with.
I probably scared them away.
Look, here’s the thing.
If you’re looking for some cool new version of Tetris that’s going to be remembered
as a really cool new version of Tetris…go play Tetris DS, or Tetris Party, or even Magical
Tetris Challenge.
Tetris and Disney, you can’t go wrong.
The original Tetris, on the Game Boy.
That’s the iconic version of Tetris.
This is the vanilla version of Tetris.
But listen, vanilla’s one of my favorite goddamn flavors.
Nothing wrong with vanilla.
As long as you’re not expecting, like…blue raspberry, birthday cake confetti fun time.
This isn’t that, this is Tetris Ultimate.
If you want rainbow sprinkles, look elsewhere.