Here at the show,
we're always looking at studies
to see how they can improve our lives.
And, lately, there have been several new studies
looking at the workplace.
So, to help us figure out what these studies mean,
we turn to our senior studies correspondent,
Dulcé Sloan, everybody!
(cheering and applause)
Mwah! Hello.
Dulcé, um, thank you so much for joining us
and helping us break down these workplace studies.
Well, I'm perfect for the job because I'm a model employee.
You're-you're a model employee?
I'm glad we agree.
All right, let's get into it.
Um, the first study says
that half of workers have quit a job
because of a bad boss.
What do you think about that?
I think these are some soft-ass people.
You're gonna quit a job because you don't like your boss?
I make my boss quit because of me.
(cheering and applause)
No.
When I worked at Best Buy,
my boss left 'cause I was Airbnb'ing his office
on weekends.
And who are these people anyway?
Well, the study actually says
that one of the highest rates of people quitting is in Miami.
Well, of course. It's easy to quit a job in Miami.
There's beaches and titties on every corner.
That city's not built for working.
It's built for twerking, okay?
I dare you to try that shit in New York. (chuckles)
You don't like your boss yelling at you?
Well, guess what, now your ten roommates are gonna cuss
your ass out 'cause you can't make rent.
Dulcé, you have ten roommates?
Man, please, I'm on TV. I got six.
I-I guess that's better. All right, let's-let's move on.
Let's move on to this, uh-- this next workplace study.
It's really inspiring. It says that 90% of employees
come into the office even when they have a cold or the flu.
And I'm-I'm impressed by these people.
And I hate these people.
'Cause they come into work and they make the rest of us sick.
And the worst part is they act like they're not sick.
But you know you're sick, Jeff, okay?
You went through a box of tissues in a hour.
So if you weren't blowing your nose,
then I need to see your browser history.
(laughter, gasping)
No...
(cheering and applause)
But-but, Dulcé, but, Dulcé,
to be fair, I-I think people are coming in
because they want to help get work done.
Oh, please. Who are these "heroes"
who think the office can't survive without them?
Keep your coughing ass at home, Karen.
Ain't nobody looking for you.
Ain't nobody putting your ass on a milk carton, okay?
Stay home, you sick bastard.
Wow. So much anger. I wasn't expecting--
All right, let's just-- let's just move on
to this final study. Um, you can't get mad at this one.
This study has found that daydreaming,
daydreaming at work can actually make you better at your job.
Yeah, Trevor, I'm not surprised by this.
I daydream all the time.
That's why I'm so good at my job.
Well, yeah, but, technically, Dulcé, those aren't daydreams.
I saw you-- you just sleep in the break room
for, like, three hours.
Listen, that's because I was having a crazy dream.
Okay, see, what happened was, right,
Idris Elba shows up at my house and tells me
he wants to be my baby daddy.
The problem was he had an Idris Elba top
but a unicorn bottom, right?
And I'm fine with that, 'cause a unicorn Idris
is better than no Idris at all, right?
But then Meg's boyfriend Lamar shows us and he says
I have to kill Idris or the world's gonna blow up.
Now, usually, Lamar's full of shit,
but I knew he was telling the truth
'cause he was also my grandma! Right?
So, I get a knife and I go at unicorn Idris
and I'm about to stab him.
But then he leans in to give me the most seductive kiss.
And then?
And then my boss woke me up!
Now we both don't know the ending, Negro.
Listen,
so if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go back into the break room
and I'm gonna find out if I get that Idris unicorn dick.
Dulcé Sloan, everybody!