- Hi, this is Marisa Peer.
I'm the founder of RTT®, Rapid Transformational Therapy®.
I'm immensely proud of it,
because it's helping people all over the world.
One of the greatest joys I have as a therapist
is helping children,
helping children be more confident.
If you're a parent or a teacher,
or indeed a sister, brother, auntie, uncle,
and you want to help children become more confident,
this is so important.
So let me tell you something, that's absolutely true.
Babies are born loaded with confidence.
No baby goes, 'you know what?
'I shouldn't really cry at night because my mom's exhausted.
'I shouldn't throw out this broccoli she spent ages pureeing
'because I don't like green stuff.
'I shouldn't vomit all over this lovely little t-shirt
'that she just bleached and ironed.'
Babies have a belief, 'I'm worthy.'
You see in the womb,
it's like being in Hawaii and staying at the Hilton.
It's always 75 degrees,
you have 24-hour room service.
All your needs are met.
You're always fed, it's always warm.
There's always someone there,
someone else's heart beat.
So when a baby comes into the world,
they have an interesting belief,
all my needs are going to be met.
'Someone is going to come and be with me,
'feed me, hold me, encourage me.'
And of course, it's very easy to remove that from babies.
But we are born with an innate belief that we are worthy.
That's why babies demand attention.
They're demanding because they think they're worth it.
And it's very easy to take that away,
but it's also quite easy to put it back.
So if you want to help children be confident,
here's what to do.
Point out to them, all the things they are good at.
Say to them, 'you know, you're so good at this,
'you're so gifted at this.
'I noticed how much you love drawing.
'It gives me so much pleasure to see
'how good you are at something.'
The biggest problem I see with parents
is that they want their children to be good at everything.
Recently, I worked with a little boy who said,
"you know, I'm really good at computers,
"but I'm not good at sport.
"And I'm not good at science.
"And daddy wants me to be good at everything."
I said, "why?"
He said, "I don't know."
And I said, "you know, darling,
"imagine if we were all good at everything.
"If everyone was good at cooking and gardening
"and decorating and computers,
"nobody would have any work.
"We'd all cook our own meals, we wouldn't go to restaurants.
"We'd do our own gardening.
"We'd do our own decorating,
"design our own websites.
"You're supposed to be good at one thing,
"maybe two or three, but really one.
"You don't have to be good at everything."
And when his dad came to collect him,
I said, "I must ask you a question.
"I know you want your son to be good at everything."
He said, "I do."
I said, "are you good at everything?"
He said, "no."
"Right, oh okay, because I'm not good at everything.
"There's so many things I'm not good at.
"And I never asked my daughter to be good at everything
'because I'm not.
"And the only way you can demand
"your son is good at everything
"is if you are good at everything.
"You just said, you're not.
"It's not fair to make a child believe
"they have to be gifted in every subject.
"Children who are very sporty, are often not so academic.
"Academic children are often not sporty.
"Musically gifted children
"are not always good at another subject.
"You're supposed to be brilliant at something,
"a master of something, not a Jack-of-all-trades.
"And if you want to instill confidence in your child,
"you would say, 'darling, I know your friend
"'is really good at singing.
"'But you're good at art, or you're good at computers.
"'That's your gift.'"
We're not supposed to be good at everything.
You're supposed to be good at something.
One or two things is enough
because people who are brilliant, are good at one thing.
They'll say, 'this is my gift.
'I'm an excellent chef, but I only make cakes or pastry.
'I don't cook everything.'
'I'm an excellent designer, but I only design wedding dresses.'
'I'm an excellent shoe designer,
'but I don't design handbags and tiaras and jewelery.
'I just do one thing.'
If you go to a hospital,
you don't have one doctor and he does everything.
You have a pediatrician, a cardiologist, a skin specialist.
If you go to a school, they don't go,
'hey, we've got one teacher, they teach every subject.'
No, we have English teachers, math teacher,
sports teacher, science teacher.
So help your children be confident
by making them believe in themselves.
You believe in them, very important,
but help them believe in them.
I used to say to my little girl,
"I want you to say every day, 'I like myself.
"'I believe in myself, I'm a gift to the world.'"
And I was always pointing out what she was good at.
And believe me, she wasn't good at everything.
And she went from being in a very small school,
where they had 12 children in her class,
to a school where they had 90 in her year.
And she said, "mummy, I used to be the best.
"Am I not the best anymore?"
And it was a problem.
I said, "darling, you were the best
"when you were with 12 children, now you are with 90.
And you can be amongst the best.
"Be amongst the best.
"You don't have to be the best or at the top.
"Be amongst the best,
"and just be the best at what you do, which is art.
"You're an artist, it's in your soul.
"And artists aren't really meant to be great at maths."
I recognize in her that she's a brilliant artist,
but not brilliant at marketing.
That's not her bag.
You can't be good at everything.
And if you try to be good at everything,
you know what you feel like?
You feel a failure in so many subjects.
Be good at what you're good at.
Encourage your children to love learning.
The most important part of going to school
is not getting the best grades.
It's liking school.
That is so important.
Liking school, being socialized.
I work with many many child geniuses
who are miserable, they're unhappy.
They can't relate to other children.
Then we look at people like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain,
who took their own life, we're like 'why?
'They were geniuses, they were gifted,
'they were amazing in their field.'
But being social, getting on with people, liking them,
that is what makes you truly happy.
Your relationships with people,
especially as a child, make you happy.
As a parent, remember this,
children need to feel like other children.
They meet, and they go, 'I like you because you like Barbie.
'And I like Barbie.
'You like Toy Story, I like Toy Story.
'You like pasta, I like pasta.'
Children bond by finding people who are like them.
And if you have a child genius, a child prodigy,
they don't feel like other kids.
And it hurts their DNA.
We need people.
We need to be like people.
And if you scream and shout at your kids
and make them feel bad about themselves,
you don't want to damage them.
If you say, 'why aren't you like me?
'I could do maths when I was 11.
'I could do joined up writing when I was 10.'
Your children are not supposed to be like you,
you are not supposed to give birth to yourself.
How boring could that be?
I am very tidy, very organized.
My daughter lives in chaos.
She's an artist in her soul.
It's not that she's messy, she doesn't even see mess.
And I had to understand that
she is not me, and I'm not her.
What makes me happy, doesn't make her happy.
She's an individual person.
She's not a puppy to be brought into line.
And she's not a replica of me, she's her own person.
And the sooner you recognize that,
and share your children's gifts, the better.
They will always challenge you,
but if you want them to have confidence,
praise what they can, not what they can't do.
Make them feel good about being here
and having unique skills and talents and gifts,
all of their own.
Tell them you love them because they are them.
Don't go, 'I love you because you're beautiful.
'I love you because you're smart.
'I love you because you're good.'
Because that's a label.
When you label a child, you limit them.
'I love you because you are you.
'I love the fact that you love learning.
'I love being your mum or your dad.
'I love learning from you.
'I love the fact that you're happy.
'I love the fact you can express yourself.'
It's so important to let them know that,
to let them know that they can tell you anything,
and you won't judge them.
I always say to my daughter,
"you will never ever get punished for telling the truth."
That became harder, she went, "Mummy,
"I've just split green nail varnish all over the carpet."
And I wanted to be cross, but I had to say,
"well, I'm glad you told me the truth."
Sometimes that was difficult, but she could come to me.
She told me anything.
She was never scared that I would punish her,
withdraw my love if she told me something really bad like,
her friends were taking drugs
or her friend's brother went shoplifting.
She was very honest with me,
because I would always say, "tell me the truth.
"I won't punish you,
"I'll reward you for telling the truth."
And you need your children to know that
you are a safe place to come to.
As they get older, they'll be offered
all kinds of things, drugs,
going on shoplifting sprees,
doing things that would make your eyes pop out of your head.
If you watch things like Sex Education,
you'd go, "my God so that what my kid is around?"
Yeah, it really is.
And if you don't let your kid have an opinion
and argue with you,
then how are they going to do that with someone else?
You know, they have to learn with you to say,
'well I don't like that, I don't agree.
'I don't like that.'
And you go, 'well, let's talk about that.
'Let me hear your opinion,
'that's so interesting.'
Because the only person they can practice
having a view with, is you.
And they become confrontational
and difficult and challenging.
But if you let them do that,
and have an opinion,
they're the ones that go,
"I'm not going to drink just 'cause everyone else is drinking."
They can say 'no'.
Confident children believe in themselves,
because you have shown them that they're worth believing in.
They have an opinion and a voice
because you allow them to have an opinion and a voice.
They've been able to have a gift and a talent
because you showed them.
'Your gift is for growing flowers.'
You know, Jo Malone was always making perfume as a kid.
Her parents didn't go, 'oh come on,
'can you learn some maths now?
'Stop with getting all these petals
and putting them in water.'
Gillian Riley was always dancing,
she became an amazing dancer.
Get behind your children's gifts
and encourage them to monetize their gifts.
Don't try to make them do what they don't want to do.
I work with so many people who say,
'you know, I'm a lawyer because my dad is a lawyer.'
'I'm an accountant because my dad's an accountant.
'And I'm so depressed because I'm not
'following my heart's desire', which by the way,
is one of the number one causes of depression.
Get behind your children,
support them,
love them,
be their cheerleader.
Children that thrive need one person to believe in them.
And that's you, and if you can do that,
they'll still hit road bumps but they will do better.
Because if you believe in them, they will believe in them.
Don't overdo it.
Don't praise them for everything.
Don't fix things.
The biggest thing you can give your children
is high self-esteem and independence.
I made a classic mistake
of doing everything for my daughter,
because I was a single parent.
And I realized, if I could go back and have my life again,
that's the bit I wouldn't do.
I'd help her do it herself.
You need your children to have
high self-esteem and independence.
If you do that, you'll have confident kids.
Thanks for tuning in.
And don't beat yourself up for getting it wrong.
Every parent gets it wrong.
I've got so much wrong.
It's never too late to get a lot of it right.
Thanks for tuning in, see you soon.
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Show all your friends who are parents,
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