(lively music)
(gavel banging)
(applause)
- [Announcer] Case number 1: El Salvador versus Mexico.
Plaintiff, El Salvador. Defendant, Mexico.
- All right.
(camera shutter clicks)
I'll let you tell me what this case is.
- Your honor. oh, queen of mine.
I'm here today to talk about horchata.
How horchata Salvadorian.
(gavel banging) - Oh.
- You're here to talk about what?
- Horchata.
To discuss how Salvadorian horchata
is far more superior than Mexican horchata,
as we use superior ingredients
such as the semilla de morro.
And I believe that they have stolen our recipe.
And I stand by that.
- Mexico?
(crickets chirping)
- Mexico?
- Your honor, I would just like to present you
with the evidence, if that's all right.
May we approach the bench?
I literally just said that, right? I just?
I'll go first. Thank you.
Thank you, your majesty.
- Do you know if this has weed in it?
- Lo, lei, lo, lei, lo, lei.
- So I'm supposed to taste this?
All right. Enough already.
Neither one of y'all have any rhythm.
Go, go.
- You see, she hates yours. She doesn't.
(shutter clicks)
- Um,
they taste exactly the same.
- Mine was made with a lot of love,
sex appeal and generations worth of beautiful Salvadorians.
Thank you so much.
- So let the record reflect that they are Salvadorians,
not El Salvadorians.
Mexico.
- Did that girl just say "The love of her nanny?"
- Ah.
(gavel banging)
- [Announcer] All right.
Now we have Costa Rica versus Nicaragua.
Plaintiff is Nicaragua.
Defendant, Costa Rica.
- That's a good selfie.
- Do you have any evidence?
- Super wow, amazing.
- Do Nicaraguans say "Guacata"?
- What does Costa Rica have to say?
We would like to hear Costa Rica's.
Oh, they're sending letter now?
- It's a strong argument.
(sighs)
- Rice and beans?
- The red rice and beans!
- And We are in here arguing about
who rice and beans belong to?
- Okay. Later you're going to tell me you
invented Coca-Cola.
(gavel banging)
- [Announcer] This case,
Puerto Rico versus Dominican Republic.
Puerto Rico, plaintiff.
Defendant, Dominican Republic.
- Oh, me versus me.
Puerto Rico.
(lively music)
- Daddy Yankee.
Don Omar.
Ivy Queen.
Tego Calderon.
- El Alfa
- EL Alfa.
(clapping)
- Pit Bull.
(gavel banging)
- I've heard all of your cases.
And what I'll say to you is,
they're bogus.
(chuckles)
- Horchata comes from North Africa, my lovelies.
And so does Mangu, comes from the continent of Africa.
And so do many other things.
A border is a manmade construct.
It's not real. You know what's real?
Racism, sexism,
colorism,
erasure,
xenophobia.
Oh, and the list goes on and on.
Latina women make what? 55 cents to the white man's dollar?
That's real.
My point is, there are so many more important things
that we should be talking about,
because we're arguing about semantics, my friends,
and Latinos, Latinx, Latin name people
are filling the prisons
and la migra ain't stopping for none of us.
So while I love salsa, I love merengue,
I love dembow.
And Dominican breakfast is delicious.
I think the most important thing
that we need to talk about here,
is what are we going to do to improve the conditions of
our people who paid.
What was that?
139 billion dollars in taxes, my friends.
And I want my money back.
I want my money back and I want my money back now.
Anyway, I'm going to go home and listen to El Alfa
and y'all can continue this little fight.
Panama, thank you for your contribution.
I'm glad you were here,
because we all know where reggaeton really comes from.
Hasta.
(gavel bangs)
See you later guys.
- I do love coquito.
- I like bacalaito.
(lively music)
(singing in Spanish)
(laughing)
- Pero Like.