MOST OF US HAVE BEEN PUT IN
THAT TOUGH SPOT, SOMEONE CLOSE
TO YOU GRIPING ABOUT PROBLEMS IN
A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU'RE
FRIENDS WITH BOTH OF THE COUPLE.
HOW TO HANDLE THE SITUATION
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE SIDES
BUT STILL BE HELPFUL, EVEN
SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO TAKE
SIDES.
JOINING OUR REGULAR
CONTRIBUTOR, LINDY AND WE HAVE
DR. DORTY.
YOU CREATED A PROGRAM CALLED
MARITAL -- YOU WORKED ON THIS
TOGETHER
YES, WE DID.
WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT
THESE SITUATIONS WHERE SOMEBODY
WILL TALK ABOUT INFIDELITY AND
YOU AS THE FRIEND, WHAT ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO DO.
I DID THIS
BEFORE.
I CHOSE SIDES AND NOW
I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH THOSE
PEOPLE?
WHAT IS WRONG, I
SHOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN SIDES.
IT'S HARD TO.
IT'S YOUR
FRIEND.
IT'S HARD NOT TO DO.
THERE'S
A LOT OF CONFIDING GOING ON.
THE RESEARCH I DID SHOWS 73% OF
US ADULTS AGE 25 TO 70 HAVE
ACTUALLY BEEN CONFIDANTS IN A
RELATIONSHIP.
IS THAT THE IDEA, THIS
MARITAL FIRST RESPONDERS?
WHERE PEOPLE TURN -- WHERE DO
PEOPLE TURN FIRST?
NOT A
PROFESSIONAL, BUT TO THEIR
FRIENDS.
YOU MAKE UNFORCED
ERRORS LIKE, THE WHAT A JERK.
YOU MARRIED A JERK.
THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO
SAY.
NOT GENERALLY SPEAKING, OKAY.
SO WE WANT TO -- IF THEY
COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR BOSS,
THAT'S EASY TO SAY.
YOUR BOSS
IS A JERK.
BUT WITH A SPOUSE,
WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER, A
PARTNER, THAT'S A LOVE
RELATIONSHIP THAT'S STRONGER
THAN THE ONE WE HAVE.
WE TALK
ABOUT LISTEN, EMPATHIZE SO WE
HAVE THESE SKILLS.
LISTEN,
EMPATHIZE AND OFFER PERSPECTIVE.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THOSE
INDIVIDUALLY.
THE FIRST,
LISTENING TO YOUR CONFIDER.
WHAT SKILL DO YOU NEED TO USE
THERE?
REALLY JUST BEING QUIET AND
LISTENING EMPATHETICALLY, NOT
WITH A -- WHEN YOU SHAKE YOUR
HEAD LIKE THAT WAS A MESS --
MAKING A
MISTAKE.
MOST PEOPLE SAID THAT WAS THE
MOST HELP WHEN THEY CAME TO
SOMEONE WITH A PROBLEM.
LISTENING EMPATHETIC.
WHILE LISTENING, RESIST
TAKING SIDES.
KEEP IN MIND
YOU'RE ONLY HEARING ONE SIDE OF
THE STORY.
THERE ALWAYS IS.
IT'S ALWAYS MORE COMPLICATED.
THIS IDEA OF EMPATHIZES AND
AFFIRMING.
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
THE KEY HERE, EMPATHY IS
THAT, I'M SORRY YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH THIS.
THIS SOUNDS
REALLY TOUGH.
THAT'S WHAT
PEOPLE NEED MORE THAN JUMPING TO
ADVICE.
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.
BUT THE KEY THING HERE WHEN
THEY'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT A
SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS TO GIVE
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WITHOUT
BLAMING THE OTHER.
SO IT SOUNDS
LIKE YOU REALLY FELT HURT BY
WHAT YOUR HUSBAND SAID IN FRONT
OF HIS FAMILY AS OPPOSED TO, HE
PUT YOU DOWN IN FRONT OF YOUR
FAMILY LIKE THAT, THAT'S
TERRIBLE.
THE SECOND ONE SEEMS
LIKE EMPATHY AND IT'S KIND OF
IS, BUT IT'S MORE BLAME.
THE LESS ONE SEEMS VERY
DIFFICULT TO DO.
YOU WANT TO
OFFER YOUR PERSPECTIVE, MAYBE
PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE, SOMETHING
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, BUT IT'S
DIFFICULT TO DO THAT WITHOUT
EITHER PLACING BLAME OR SOUNDING
CONNED SENDING.
YOU HAVE TO --
A LOT OF PERSPECTIVE IS
NORMAL.
I WAS WITH A FRIEND
RECENTLY BACK EAST AND HE WAS
TALKING ABOUT SOME THINGS AND I
SAID, I SAID WELCOME TO THE
HUSBAND CLUB.
OKAY.
WHAT HE SAID WAS
, HE DOES 25 THINGS WELL
THAT HIS WIFE DOESN'T COMMENT
ON, AND THE NEXT THING HE DOES
WRONG, SHE COMMENTS ON, I SAID
WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
A WIFE DOESN'T DO THAT.
A WIFE CAN SAY THE SAME
THING.
THAT'S PERSPECTIVE.
IT'S
NORMAL
IS THERE A TIME WHERE YOU
NEED TO CROSS OVER FROM BEING A
SUPPORTIVE LISTENER AND MAYBE
YOU DO NEED TO CHOOSE A SIDE.
I
MEAN, ABUSE I CAN SEE --
THE HARD PROBLEMS IN THE
FIELD IS ABUSE AND AFFAIRS.
WHEN YOU HAVE A HARD PROBLEM,
YOU MAY NEED TO OFFER RESOURCES.
THE SECOND LEVEL -- LISTEN,
EMPATHIZE AND OFFER SUPPORT.
SO
FOR MORE SERIOUS PROBLEMS,
CHRONIC PROBLEMS, YOU GO BEYOND
LISTENING AND PERSPECTIVE AND
YOU MAYBE OFFER A CHALLENGE.
A
CHALLENGE MAY BE I'M NOT HEARING
YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR SIDE
OF THIS.
THEN YOU GO FROM THERE.
THESE TIPS ARE GOING TO HELP
A LOT OF PEOPLE.
GREAT.
NO MORE CHOOSING SIDES.
I'VE
LEARNED MY LESSON.