'All men are mortal. All men must die.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘What are you doing under there?’
We’re watching 1975’s Frozen Scream.
'This’ll only take a second, Tom’
#Scream#
Tom’s wife, Ann walks in on his murder.
‘I’m home. Tom?'
#Scream#
and is hospitalised for shock. But…
‘When the police arrived and found no evidence of what you are saying; no struggle, no needles’
The police find no body, and Dr Lil Stanhope, an old friend of Tom and Ann insists it’s all in her mind.
‘I may have been hysterical, but I know what I saw and I know I didn't make it up.'
#Voice Over# ‘My name is Sgt Maguire and I’m a cop’
This scene wasn’t really panning out so I’m here to simplify.
#Voice Over# ‘The doctors seemed to have all the right answers ahead of time’
Maguire’s voiceovers, I would guess, were inserted late in the day to clarify some things,
but the scenes over which they’ve been placed are sometimes very ill-chosen.
#Voice Over# ‘Love? If you ask me about love I'd say it was a lot like life, when it's over, it's over’
More than anything, they give a glimpse of Maguire’s feelings for Ann who chose Tom over him.
#Voice over# ‘She broke off our engagement for no apparent reason’
Maybe it was my incessant narration.
#Voice Over# ‘And with Tom out of the way I’ll have a chance to win her back’
What is an appropriate amount of time to leave between a woman seeing her husband murdered and me sticking it to her?
‘You’re still very much in love with him aren’t you?’
But this is far from the film’s biggest problem.
‘Sometimes I don’t know what I see in you Sven’
Even Maguire has noticed it.
#Voice Over# ‘A pretty bad acting job I would say’
The acting is catastrophic
#Scream#
‘Good, you’re awake, that's good news, you can go home today.’
She woke up screaming and passed out!
‘That’s normal’
It’s fair to say that Dr Stanhope is the main offender.
‘What we are doing is wrong’
But the total lack of emotion is equally apparent in those who aren’t working in a second language.
‘Oh Kevin, you startled me’
and those who try to inject some feeling aren’t helped the by the dialogue.
‘I’m not going to guilt, I’m going to hell’
I don’t even know what that means but it all has consequences;
no matter how many people are axed in the face.
No matter how many priests are strangled.
No matter how many random dreams about the 7th Seal.
Crowbarring in a bit of nudity.
‘Undress for me’
I really don’t care about these people,
and the fact that I have only the slenderest of grips on what’s going on is not actually that big of a deal.
‘The things we create are not human beings’
Dr Stanhope and her partner Dr Creepy.
‘I am too fond of your company in my bedroom’
are resurrecting the dead in some fashion.
‘She’s like walking ice’
and it has something to do with cold.
‘Anne, I’m cold, help me, I’m so cold’
As the movie is keen to underline.
‘Your hand is as cold as ice – like death’
I’m sure it would like to be a meditation on the nature of the soul.
‘I haven’t got a soul’
If a body could be made immortal what becomes of the soul.
‘Immortality lives in the cool of the clouds’
But in the end they’re just zombies, and the only reason to watch is Maguire’s unintentionally hilarious sub-plot.
'What's the matter with you?'
‘Get in the car – I’ll explain at my place’
It was time to make my move on the bereaved.
Mission accomplished.
‘Oh Kevin, it’s like seeing a whole different world’
Nobody rocks a widow in the sack like Kevin Maguire, and yet…
‘I couldn’t figure out why Ann wouldn’t tell me she loved me’
When I nail a woman a week after the violent death of her husband I expect an emotional investment.
‘That’s strange’
Actually, everything in this movie lacks emotional investment;
whether it’s the half-arsed fist fight,
the half-arsed car crash,
'Are you OK?'
or Ann’s stunning underreaction to discovering her husband in the dead guy sauna.
I feel like these characters care about the outcome almost as little as I do.
‘Would living as a frozen zombie forever be any better than facing the pain of things coming to an end?’
Thanks for watching. If you'd like to see more of our zombie film reviews...
#Voice Over# love and immortality,
I survived being hit by the car, but I was having a harder time healing from being run over by an again
I hadn't heard from her since coming into the hospital things seem to have ended as quickly as they began
Doctor Johnson have been onto something...