- It's nice to be here, nice to be here.
I could be doing worst shit man, seriously.
I could be working for my family business.
I don't want to do that.
My family business we actually own a funeral home.
Yeah, we own a funeral home in the ghetto.
One of the top ten violent crimes cities in North Carolina.
So business is good.
(audience laughs)
Seriously, if any of you heard gun shots growing up,
you might have got nervous.
When we heard gun shots growing up,
it's gonna be a good Christmas.
(audience laughs)
It's like. (machine gun firing)
That's a PlayStation, son, okay.
(audience laughs) (gun fires)
And an extra controller, okay.
It's gonna be a good Christmas.
So I'm in therapy for that shit.
I recently started going to therapy,
the past couple of weeks.
It's a big deal, it's a big deal
for a black person to go to therapy.
We generally don't do that.
You tell a black person you're going
to therapy they'll get confused.
Seriously, it's like yo bro, we going out on Friday,
you tryna roll.
Naw, I gotta go to therapy.
Which club is that?
What's they dress code?
What's they shoe policy?
No bro, I'm going to therapy,
I'm going to talk about issues that I had with my father.
This nigga over here talking about bragging
about having a Daddy.
(audience laughs)
I went to therapy because I need to get
to the bottom of the issues
that I have with my parents divorce.
I don't know why people still keep getting married.
Is anybody married here?
(lady in audience woos)
Yeah, see how sad that shit sounds.
(audience laughs)
Woo, eternity, forever.
Divorce rates are just too high.
I can tell divorce rates are high because Step Mom
and Step Dad porn seems to be so popular.
It is the number one thing people are jacking off too.
People can not just stop touching themselves
to these broken homes.
(audience laughs)
All I can't believe step parent porn is so unbelievable.
All the story lines are the same,
it's always like the Step Dad is hooking up
with the daughter, the Mom busts in like,
"That's not how you suck a dick,
this is how you suck a dick."
(audience laughs)
It's like what do you know Bethany,
if you knew how to suck a dick,
you wouldn't be demonstrating it on your third marriage now.
Scoot over and let Ashley become her own woman.
I do have an Okay relationship with my Dad, though.
Which is an odd segue.
(audience laughs)
My Dad came and visited me recently and it was real nice,
and we were out and about town and we had to go home
and we were on the Subway platform waiting for the train
to come, and while we were on the Subway platform
there were these two kids down the way,
playing the penis game.
Yeah, I don't know if y'all know what that is?
The penis game is when one person says the word penis,
the other person says it a little louder,
penis, penis, penis, just keep going back and forth
until one of you bitch out.
Yeah, it warmed my heart to see those kids play that game.
(audience laughs)
you know 'cause kids are always
on their cell phones now days, I was like,
"Oh, they're connecting this is nice."
It's humanity, they're sharing a bond.
You know 'cause I'm from the South, that's what we did,
we played the penis game, 'cause we weren't reading.
So, ever since moving to New York, I realized
if somebody's outside yelling the word penis,
there's a penis.
It's not really a game, yo.
It's like yo, penis, penis.
(growls)
You ain't have to call me out or nothing.
Do I win?
I am from the South, I am from the South,
and being from the South
I have a lot of white friends back home.
I'm there one black friend.
I'm their draft pick.
First round.
When that happens, when you're the one black friend,
you become the ambassador for all things black.
Anything's rolling around in their mind,
they'll send it on high to Jordan.
Let him consult with the Negro counsel,
have him bring word back down the mountain.
And we shall ruminate upon it here in Caucasia.
(audience laughs)
Buddy of mine, his name is Steven,
he text me the other day, he goes uh, "Race question here."
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that's how he opened it, you know.
Like it was Jeopardy.
(digital beeps)
I'll take race for 400, Alex.
He goes uh, "Race question here.
"Do black people get ticks."
(audience laughs)
Lexi says someone at work told her black people
don't get ticks because the type of shampoo that they use.
I was like, naw bro, black people don't get ticks
because we stay the fuck up out the wilderness.
Like there's no, mystery to this shit.
What kind of question is that?
I thought that for every dumb question a white person asks
a black person, we get to delete one episode
of Friends from history.
That's a fair trade, right?
Anytime it's just like what your hair feel like?
Hmm, I don't know if your gonna figure out
if Rachel got off that plane, dog, I'm sorry.
You got one more time to sing Smelly Cat, mother fucka.
(audience laughs)
I feel like, I honestly feel like an outsider
in my friend group a lot of times,
because I am the one black friend.
They have done a lot of things that I haven't done.
They've traveled the world, they've had children,
they've done drugs.
I've never done drugs, I've never done them in my life.
I had a roommate who was gay, I'm assuming he's still gay.
A buddy, he found out I had never done drugs,
he tried to get me to do them.
He's like you should try some drugs man.
I was like, naw, it's not really my thing.
He's like, try some drugs.
I'm like, I'm not into that.
You should try cocaine.
Nigga, I don't think you heard me,
I said I've never done drugs.
You don't tell somebody that doesn't
have a driver's license to try drag racing.
He started hitting me with all this logic,
do a little cocaine, a little bump on the weekend.
A little toot, toot, cocaine.
Man I've never done cocaine.
He was like, cocaine don't even do anything.
He said, cocaine just make you feel like Beyonce.
I said, you're a horrible fucking salesman.
Like, I'm a straight man, I don't want to feel like Beyonce.
That may be your idol, it's not mine.
I hit him back, I was like, you should try pussy.
He was like I never had pussy before in my life.
I was like, man, pussy don't even do anything.
(audience laughs)
Pussy just make you feel like Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Can you smell what I'm cooking.
(audience laughs)
I just don't need another addiction,
I don't need to do drugs.
I already got my cell phone,
I'm addicted to that shit enough.
I already have all the social media and stuff.
My Dad recently got an iPhone,
and he just signed up for Instagram.
I'm the only person he follows.
Yeah, just me and him.
Sometimes he'll hit me up,
did you see on Instagram the other day?
Yeah it was me, whatever you saw, I made you see that shit.
(audience laughs)
He doesn't know how to work that app at all.
Like the other day, I posted a photo to Instagram,
he screenshot it, texted it to me and said, I like this.
Nigga!
(audience laughs)
That's not how this works, bro.
I wrote him an email, printed it out,
mailed it him, fire emojis.
I just can't do the social media too much,
I just get addicted to it.
I have to like delete my apps, every now and again.
But not in a self righteous way.
You ever have someone to take the time
to make an announcement that they're deleting Facebook.
Like you give a shit.
Like they write out a whole post, like a civil war veteran.
My dearest Facebookers, just writing you to let you know
I'm deactivating my account for a while.
It's been a cold winter
and we've unfriended a lot of good people.
If you like to reach me, you can send text messages
or a carrier pigeon, or you could just leave Brian,
like nobody knew you were here.
(audience laughs)
We all thought you died in a gluten accident
like four months ago.
I never wish you a Happy Birthday.
Every year I see your name in the top right hand corner,
and I say nope.
(audience laughs)
Just too much man, 'cause I'm at the age
where all my social media is changing because
all my friends are having kids.
So my Instagram has become this endless scroll
of a father's wallet.
Just people all the time, look at my baby, isn't he cute.
Isn't it cute baby, tryna walk, he can't walk,
he got little ass legs, big ass head.
People post so many pictures of their children,
I don't know how we even have Amber Alerts anymore.
I'm serious, you get these alerts on your phone,
have you seen this child.
Have I fucking seen it?
Every day.
I'm glad it's gone.
Now I can get back to pictures of booty's
and meme's the way the good Lord intended.
That's what the fuck I signed up for.
I don't want to see your ugly ass baby.
It's just too much.
Social media is just too much.
I just don't want to get my Dad addicted to this shit.
I can't take it, because Instagram,
we're all liars on there.
That's the problem, everybody is lying on there,
they living a fake life.
People post pictures all the time, I'm always on vacation,
all the food I eat is delicious and I take smooth shits.
(audience laughs)
The thing that people lie about the most
on there is their occupation.
I see it all the time, people list on their occupation,
public figure.
What?
I'm a public figure.
What do you do?
You know I be in the public.
(audience laughs)
Figuring.
We don't have real public figures anymore.
Like Gandhi, that was a public figure.
Martin Luther King, public figure.
Mother Theresa, public figure.
Millennials, we're so caught up in followers,
I don't even think we be impressed if Jesus came back.
Well, old people be losing they mind, they be like,
"Oh my God, that's Jesus Christ, right there.
"That's the man himself, JC, Jesus Christ
"and his 12 followers."
We be like eww, 12 followers, God Damn, Jesus,
what you got an Android mother fucka,
I thought you was God's son.
Like ugh.
Keep your bread, I don't want your bread,
I'll get my blessing elsewhere.
(audience laughs)
Jesus would come back, he'd feel that pressure,
he'd have to get his numbers up.
He'd be on Instagram posting thirst traps, with his abs out.
Oh, throwback Thursday, #blessed.
(audience laughs)
He'd feel that pressure man,
he'd have to do something irrational.
Jesus would have to join the Kardashians.
You know they'd try to fuck him since he's black.
(audience laughs)
I'll let you catch up on that one. (laughs)
But they're the Kardashians, they're a brand,
they can't just let any ole scrub into their clan.
They'd quiz Jesus.
They be like, "Well what do you bring to the table, Jesus."
What do you bring to the Kardashian brand, Jesus."
Like, what did I bring to the table?
I'm a best selling author.
I turn water into wine.
Water into wine?
Bitch, we turned Bruce into Kaitlyn,
step your game up boo-boo.
(dramatic music)