[SOUND]
[MUSIC]
Hey guys, check this out!
- Look what I found.
[CROSSTALK]. - Wow.
- All right, secret weird tape tape.
- I bet it's a nudey tape.
- Look, let's just get back to work.
- Oh come on, we've got to watch it, it's a nudey tape!
[CROSSTALK]. - No!
[CROSSTALK]. - All right, all right, all right.
We'll watch and see what's on it, but
then after that we have to get right back to work.
- [LAUGH] Yes!
All right.
- All right Jones, get the lights.
- Oh, this is going to be weird.
- Are you guys ready for this?
- No, you see me moving over here don't look over.
[LAUGH] - There you go.
- Hey Mark, what's going on?
- Well.
You're in a knife fight.
- I'm not in a knife fight.
[DRAMATIC SOUND] Whoa.
[CLICK] Whoa!
I don't remember getting in a knife fight.
- Of course, you wouldn't remember.
- I think I'd remember getting into a knife fight.
- But I drugged you,
dragged you to the top of this mountain so we could finally fix this tree problem.
- Whoa, what, tree problem?
- That's right.
That tree needs trimming, and even though the trunk's on my side,
the branches next to the power lines is on your side.
You're responsible for cleaning that up.
- Okay.
Your tree is over my fence, and you need to pay to have it trimmed.
- Except the city citation has your address on it.
So you're legally responsible to trim that tree.
- Those errant branches would not exist if not for
the tree on your side of the fence.
- We can sit here and talk in circles like we've been doing for
months or we have one knife fight and it's over.
Your choice bro.
- Oh, oh.
I choose to talk about it.
Let's just talk about it.
- I'm sorry, Kyle.
You have no choice.
Ha! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait, wait.
Listen, I'm not even a lefty.
You know, I, I've got my right hand tied up here.
Total disadvantage.
If you want to have a knife fight, let's make it fair.
- You're right we should stop.
- Ok, great.
- Great. [THUD] All right.
So if he's.
[VELCRO] There.
Whoo! [SIGH].
[MUSIC]
There we go.
Come on now.
There we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Easy, easy, easy!
Easy, easy.
- Hey Mark.
- Hey Kyle. - You'll never believe the dream I
just had.
- Tell me about it.
- You and I were going to get in to a knife fight, about the tree situation.
- Whoa. - Yeah, then Richard Nixon came in and
suckin my fat cock.
- Nixon?
- Yeah. - That's weird.
- Tricky dick.
- Any ways let's get back to this knife fight.
[CLICK] Aah!
- What the fuck!
You were gonna stab me!
- I was gonna stab you under knife fight rules, man!
- The rules?
Subject a ties his arm to subject b via potential knife wielding appendage.
Hereafter that arm is not subject to attack therefore creating a safe
distance from which strategic attacks can be made.
[SWOOSH]
Aah!
- Wait, wait, hey, hey!
Truce, truce!
- Truce?
- Truce.
- All right.
- The tree though?
- I'll pay to have the tree trimmed.
- Thank you.
- Cool?
- Cool.
- Can I just say.
This, the whole thing.
Crazy.
Absolute nuts.
- Yeah. - Crazy.
Let me get you untied.
- Yes, thank you.
[DRAMATIC SOUND].
- Oop, easy. - That's right, I gotta wait for
him to wake up, or else I gotta drag him down the.
I'm not gonna wait for him to wake up.
[MOAN] - Hell.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, I do not like that.
- Oh man, the the other day I sold my sisters insulin medicine to Dillan Rider.
- What? - For like 50 bucks.
- Oh snap.
- Did she die?
- You know what you were right I never thought I'd like a chai tea latte.
- I know. - But I really enjoyed it.
- I know. - You were right.
I knew you would.
- It was sweet.
- Yeah. My boyfriend loves chai tea, yeah.
- Your boyfriend?
- Oh, my gosh.
Did you think this was?
I'm so sorry, that's.
- Smoke bomb.
- What?
- Smoke bomb!
- I can't believe I used to live my life without smoke bombs.
When I got into awkward situations, I would have to sit there like a sucker.
Now, I just reach into my pocket, grab a smoke bomb, then poof I'm out.
Nothing but smoke and social comfort.
Only problem that could maybe happen is I could mix up the pocket I put my
smoke bombs in with the pocket I put my firebombs in.
The odds of that are so infinitesimal that I don't even.
[EXPLOSION].
- Oh no. No.
[DRAMATIC
MUSIC]
What?
You guys fucking see this guy?
Hey what are you looking at?
What do you want? Are you people watching or
are you just person watching?
As in just one person, that is me.
Oh, okay. No, no, no, no.
It's not happening today.
Not today, okay?
I'm gonna tell you right now.
Whatever idea you got in your mind, get it out.
This brother right here is not gonna be a victim for whatever idea you got planned.
All right man, whatever who cares.
[GRUNT].
[MUSIC]
Did you just flinch, you're ridiculous what are you doing?
Okay, look whatever you know what do it, I want you to do it.
Just shoot me right here.
Is my clothes too wavy?
I'll make it tighter so it's easy target for you
[MUSIC]
I'll stand still.
Am I too much of a human for you?
Should I be an animal?
[GRUNTING] Should I be an animal for you?
[GRUNTING] Still can't shoot me?
Still can't shoot me, still can't shoot me you son of a bitch?
Shoot me!
If you're gonna shoot me, shoot me.
If not, get that gun out of my face!
Cuz if I find you.
[MUSIC]
End simulation.
[DIGITAL SOUND] I'm sorry, I don't know what happened.
- The tests were positive.
It appears that you're fundamentally afraid of black people.
I was afraid of that.
- It's best if you start treatment right away.
- Okay.
- Now have a good weekend.
- Yeah.
You too. You know what,
Richard, why do I have to be in the racism program?
I mean, you can get anybody else, I don't even see how this even works.
Because if he wasn't racist then he shoots a person?
Which one is worse?
I think they're both terrible, but I know one thing, if I put you in
this program you better shoot me, because I'm not gonna work with a racist.
I work with a murderer before I work with a racist.
[TV STATIC].
- Hey, [PSST].
Hey, hey.
Provocative.
What is it, like a gun violence thing?
- Don't be a dick.
It's diabetes.
- Okay.
- You're feeding your children filth.
Come on, man!
- Kinda flat.
- What about a banana?
But it's like the same thing.
Except, I mean it's funnier.
- Monsanto!
- Oh, that's gross man.
There's like a school of kids like, they walk through here all the time.
- Corporations are fucking your food, they,
they're putting their corporate semen on, on, on the crops.
Organic, mate!
Right.
- All right, well.
- Huh, huh, but hey!
Hold a sec! [BUS NOISE] Political rise.
- Yeah, that's Obama giving me the bird.
I, I guess.
That's a- - Ho, ho, ho, not comfortable with
a black man, are we?
- I voted for him, I'm fine with Obama.
- How about now?
- Blond Obama?
- All American, Johnny Appleseed.
Apple pie.
- That's not even a cohesive thought.
Why is he wearing a wig?
- Oh, is this what the black man's like to you?
Smoking weed?
Should I play basketball?
- That's borderline.
I don't get Rast-Obama.
It seems strangely racist.
- Oh, come on man.
It's edgy, it's gritty, it's real.
- I don't think you know what those words mean.
- Hey! Wait!
Wait!
America is crippled.
You can't get enough.
- I get it.
We're killing ourselves.
America is killing themselves.
- Provocative.
Not provocative.
- Edgy.
- Not edgy.
- Obama.
- All right, well, go fuck yourself.
- Aw come on man, don't be a wanker.
Provocativity is not dead.
Hey, nice bandana mate.
Very provocative.
Oh, you smell of ink pens and anarchy.
Oh.
Aw come on.
Why would you do this to a friend?
Fuck me?
Fuck you.
If you say something, say something.
Come on mate why are you walking away?
No. This is not Obama's America.
This is not Obama's America.
- There's no way you're living past 25.
- I'm already 26.
And you're still working here.
- Yeah I don't to work here I have, I'm independently wealthy off an aunt, but
I just like this place.
- Yeah, it's the new America.
- [NATURE SOUNDS].
- It's been two days.
We're gonna die out here.
- So weak I can barely walk.
- We don't food we're not gonna make it.
- Yeah.
Food.
[DRAMATIC SOUND].
[MUSIC]
[EERIE
NOISE].
- [FOREIGN]
[NATURE SOUND].
- A plane, a plane, we're gonna make it.
- Yeah!
- [FOREIGN].
- I'm getting a really bad feeling about this.
- All right, well let's just watch the next one.
- No, I feel like we should just pause it.
- [TV STATIC] gotta [SHH] we have to.
- And right here is gonna be the open cubed spaces for workers.
- Oh Desiree' will love that.
We need these J7 joints though.
- They'll be here in two weeks don't worry about it.
And we're back in the lobby where started.
- Terrific.
- Excuse me, I have a question.
What's gonna be over there?
- Over where.
Oh yeah, that empty four by four space right there.
- Oh well that looks pretty, let me just check the old blueprints here.
[MUSIC]
It's not on the blue print.
That means that space right there is nothing.
- So you're saying.
- Yeah.
That space can be whatever you want it to be.
- Son of a bitch.
[RANDOM NOISES].
[APPLAUSE].
[BIRD CALLS].
[SWORD FIGHTING].
- Tonight, tonight.
The world is his tonight.
I'm met you and the world went away.
[MUSIC]
[SOUND OF OBJECT FALLING] Everybody okay.
- Yeah, I'm fine, are you?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You don't see me.
- It's probably that guy.
- Wow. - No, but
seriously like these are the kind of movies that like follow you.
- Okay whatever, but that was good and you almost made us miss it.
- That doesn't sound anything like me.
- Nobody's ever been haunted.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC].
- Coming.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Here we go.
- Don't fuck with me.
Fuck with me so fucked.
- [FOREIGN] [CLANKING].
- [FOREIGN].
- [FOREIGN]
[FOREIGN].
- [FOREIGN]
[SHOVEL NOISES].
- [FOREIGN].
- Oh sweet got it.
Yeah.
[SHOVEL NOISE].
- [FOREIGN].
Oh, yeah.
- Sorry.
[FOREIGN].
- [FOREIGN].
[DIGGING
NOISES].
- [FOREIGN].
[GUN SHOT].
- Aah!
Shit! Fuck!
[SHOVELS CLANKING].
- [FOREIGN].
- Three. Three holes.
- Dig, dig, dig, dig.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[DIGGING NOISES].
- Whoa!
There's something in there.
[FORCEFUL IMPACT].
- Aah!
- [FOREIGN].
[SCREAMS]
[MUSIC]
[INAUDIBLE] Open the door, open the door.
- It's locked. - What?
- The keys!
Who has the keys?
- The guy has the keys.
- Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Woah!
Far out, sand worm.
[MUSIC]
That was lame-nard.
- I liked it. - How do you pop this out?
Oh, you got to hold it.
- I'm holding it.
It's not turning off.
- No way this is not.
[DRAMATIC SOUND]. - This is so.
- I'm gonna get out of here.
- I'm, I'm telling you,
I knew I had a bad feeling about this.
- Lets just get out of here.
- Guys the door is locked. There's way to even locked this door from
the inside.
[CROSSTALK].
[SCREAMS].
By watching this tape, you have doomed yourself,
just like these poor souls. To lift the curse, you must share this
tape with a new victim. Please use #cursedtape so we can get this
trending. [TV CLICKING OFF]