- I have, uh, over the years, I've had different guys
that I've dated saying this thing to me
that I guess is supposed to be nice,
but it's not nice-- Where, maybe I don't know
if any of the ladies here
have ever heard a guy say this,
but guys have said to me, "You know, Jessi,
"part of what makes you so pretty
"is you have no idea how pretty you are."
And then they're just like, "Enjoy."
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, "That is not nice.
You know, that is like, at best,
that's like a backhanded compliment
and at worst, that's just like a forehanded insult.
Because I know that what that sentence really means is,
"Part of what makes you so pretty
"is that your self-esteem is so low,
"it's easier for me to [deleted] you."
[audience laughing]
[applause]
That's what that means.
Don't say it.
That's exactly what that means.
I, um... I think.
I, uh, so, I-I obviously,
I have-I have brown hair and I wear these glasses
and I usually have my hair up in a bun,
so the other thing guys have often said to me is,
uh, they'll be like,
"You're like a... you're like a sexy librarian.
[audience laughing]
"You're like a sexy librarian type.
"You're a sexy librarian."
And I'm like, "Hmm, I've always thought of myself
"of more of a bookish whore."
Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut!
[audience laughing]
I dated a guy once who was very into--
When we were in bed--
This is getting personal, you guys.
Now, it's getting personal.
When we were in bed, he would do this thing
where he would try to like, spank me sometimes.
Has anyone ever-- still just me?
Um, he would try to spank me.
And it was, you know, it just made me laugh.
It was supposed to be sexy, but it's just so ridiculous.
You know, like, I don't know when
it came to be considered erotic
to treat the person that you're having sex with like,
they're the worst person!
You know what I mean?
Like, "You're terrible."
Like, why couldn't it be considered kinky
to do something really nice for the person
that you're having sex with?
You know, 'cause you think they're so awesome.
Like, just once, I'd like to be having sex with a guy
and just have him be like, "Oh, my God, oh my God,
"Jessi... you are such a wonderful person.
"I had a tree planted in Israel for you."
[audience laughing]
[applause]
Why never?
I hate it when people do something to get attention
and then, they pretend like they have no idea
why they're getting attention.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I was in Brooklyn a couple of weeks ago
to see a play-- You're welcome, and, um,
and I see this guy walking down the street
and he's walking these two very adorable,
but very unusual looking dogs.
And I am obsessed with dogs.
Like, I'm like a dog pedophile.
You know what I mean?
Like, I hang out outside the dog park
and I'm just like, "Yeah."
And, uh, so I'm like, "What kind of dogs are those?"
And I get closer and then I see that in fact,
they are not dogs.
They are pigs.
This man is walking two pigs.
And so, I do the only reasonable thing to do,
which is like go up to him and I'm like,
"Let's talk about this."
And he literally looks at me and he goes,
"Talk about what?"
And I'm like, "Really?"
And the pigs are like, "Really?
"We wanna talk about this because we're pigs
"and we have no idea where the [deleted] we are."
[audience laughing]
And did I mention that the pigs
are wearing matching jackets?
Like, it's not like this guy's
on, like, the d.l. with his pigs.
Like, they're in public.
They're dressed!
But I'm nice, you know, so I'm just like,
"Well, well, what are they like?
Is it like having dogs?"
And he's like, "I guess it's like having dogs
"if dogs were smarter and more affectionate."
And me and the pigs all do like an eye roll together,
like, a roller-coaster.
And I'm like, "Oh, I get it.
"So, it's sort of how like you would be a human being
"if you were nicer and less of a douche.
"Sort of like that.
"Go to hell, pig walker."
I hope hell freezes over and your pigs sprout wings
and drag you to their porky little home.
[audience laughing]