- We've talked about attachment many times before,
but, today, I want to help you understand
how it might be impacting your day-to-day life as an adult.
(gentle music) (text boxes popping)
Attachment theory was first introduced
by a British psychiatrist, John Bowlby.
Basically, the main concept of attachment theory is that
the way we bond with our primary caregiver
forms the way we attach to people throughout our lives.
What's important to note is that
attachment theory is founded in the belief
that whatever happened in our early relationships
is seen in our mind as a rule for future ones,
and we go out into the world with this blueprint,
looking for things that fit it.
This is how attachment, bonding, and relationships work.
The point of learning about this is so that
you can understand and can identify
some of your adult relationship patterns
and that's what I want us to dive into today.
There are four main attachment styles we have
as a result of how we bonded with our primary caregivers.
Each one of these experiences shaped the way
that we, number one, view ourselves,
number two, view others,
and, three, view attachment or connections with others.
So what are the four main styles of attachment?
Well, the first is secure attachment,
and this happens when our primary caregiver
is responsible to our needs and we have a secure place
to wander out and explore the world,
but we know we have a place to turn to
if things get scary or overwhelming.
Our minds learn, in the simplest of terms,
that you are trustworthy, I am trustworthy,
and this bond, this attachment between us is trustworthy.
The second attachment style is
insecure-ambivalent or anxious attachment.
Now, this happens when our caregiver is inconsistent.
Maybe they have an illness
or maybe they have other things going on,
but the child's brain isn't 100% sure
that they will be there when we need them,
and, as a result, we cling.
We can panic when there's separation
because we aren't 100% sure that
that person's gonna come back.
We never develop a sense of security
around ourselves or the bond between them.
It just feels insecure.
The third attachment style is insecure-avoidant attachment.
Now, this is formed when our primary caregiver
doesn't respond to our needs with sensitivity or care.
We feel alone in our needs and our upsets, and we learn that
we're better at navigating our needs and emotions
completely on our own,
or that we are the only person we can trust
when it comes to getting those needs met.
We learn that we are trustworthy, but others are not,
and attachment in general isn't helpful for us,
and, as you can see, this could lead to us
isolating or engaging in what I call toxic independence,
thinking that we're the only one
that can do what we need to do.
We learned that we are trustworthy, but others are not,
and attachment in general isn't helpful for us,
and, as you can see, this could lead to us isolating
or engaging in what I like to call toxic independence.
The fourth style is disorganized attachment,
and it's a little bit different from the others,
because the first three types of attachment that I've listed
are, you know, quote-unquote organized,
and what that means is that our brains developed
a coherent, even if it's unhelpful, script
about how to navigate around our caregiver.
For example, like I'll cling or all avoid,
but with disorganized attachment,
the child's brain can't figure out a good strategy.
The caregiver shows atypical behavior.
Maybe they're abusive or rejecting or manipulative,
and we don't know whether to move
toward them or away from them,
and we can feel afraid and confused,
and it can play out in a variety of different ways.
We might be clingy one moment,
then dismissive and rejecting the next.
Those of us with disorganized attachment styles
have a hard time trusting ourselves or others,
and sometimes may long for attachment
and other times we can fear it all together.
So, as we grow up,
we carry with us from these attachment styles
a view of ourselves, a view of others,
and a view of attachment or connection.
In a healthy relationship, these are three key things
that we're gonna need to feel secure.
Think of it like there is you,
then, across the cavern, there's this other person,
and, between you, there is this tightrope.
In some ways, you have to have a sense of security
in each of these three pieces.
You, number one, are you secure?
Do you have value and worth on your own?
Are you worth wanting?
Do you deserve love?
If you leave a relationship, will you be okay?
Now, the second is the other, right? Across that cavern.
Are other people able to be trusted?
What are they doing over there?
Are they stable and secure on their own,
able to share their needs, but not dependent on you?
Are they safe to be trusted with your needs?
And the third component is the attachment.
Think of this like the wire stretched between you two.
Is it secure?
Is it stable?
Are relationships themselves safe and stable,
or are they a thing you avoid?
A thing you want or need?
Are they a threat to your sense of self,
or are they necessary for your sense of self?
Just take a second and think through those questions.
Each attachment style has a different relationship
with those three things.
If any of these issues ring true for you, don't worry.
I'm offering a live two-day workshop on January 6th and 13th
from 1:00 to 3:00 p.m. Central Standard Time
that will empower you to set the boundaries you need
to take back control of your life.
We will discuss what boundaries are,
the different types of boundaries that exist in our life,
and what behaviors you may have
that are sabotaging your ability to have healthy ones,
and you will also learn why you need boundaries,
how to set them,
and what to do if someone refuses to respect them.
Click the link in the description to join,
and know that it will be recorded so you can watch it later.
(gentle music)
If we are securely attached,
we operate from the view that we are trustworthy,
our partners can be trustworthy,
and that attachment and bonds are helpful and safe.
In our adult relationships, our view of self is secure.
We tend to have a sense of our own self-worth.
It's not that we think we're perfect,
but we feel secure in who we are
and we can take responsibility for our mistakes,
weaknesses, express our needs, and seek help if we need it.
We feel capable of navigating hard things and conflict.
Our view of others is that they can be trustworthy.
We aren't expecting perfection,
and we also don't expect them to fail us.
When they make mistakes, we're not shattered or idealistic.
We look for healthy accountability and responsibility.
We think other people can regulate their own emotions
and also be vulnerable, and we operate as if
attachment itself can be a good and helpful thing.
Relationships are things we want, not things we avoid.
When they need space, we think that means they need space,
versus thinking they wanna leave me
or they're abandoning me.
When they move toward us, we're happy for them to rely on us
as we rely on them some too, and we can manage conflict.
Now, secure attachment doesn't mean
our relationships are perfect, and it doesn't mean
we never get into unhealthy relationships,
but it's usually associated with
higher levels of healthy partnerships.
(gentle music)
Now, if we are insecurely or anxiously attached,
we operate from the view that we aren't okay on our own.
We lack self-esteem, and so we cling to others,
using their love and the bond itself to help us feel safe.
In our adult relationships, we lack a secure sense of self.
We aren't sure if we're truly lovable.
We aren't sure if we're good enough,
and so we're constantly trying to use attachment
to prove our worth.
We may feel a lot of fear and anxiety or feel really clingy.
Our view of others is dependent.
We may sometimes push away,
but that's only because we're afraid of abandonment.
We tend to function if being picked by someone else
will give us worth.
If this person wants us, then we are finally worth wanting.
Now, the way we think of attachment is
we long for the attachment
that brings a sense of closeness and intimacy.
We may struggle with boundaries,
maybe not wanting to set anything off
that might lead to abandonment, right?
We don't wanna push anybody away or put up that thing,
'cause they might leave us altogether.
We could also fear conflict,
and making it feel like the entire relationship is unstable,
and, without it, we are unstable, right?
We're depending on it.
We may become overly enmeshed in relationships
or overly fixate on them.
We need lots of reassurance, because, in general,
the bond feels necessary and unstable and easily threatened.
(gentle music)
If we are insecure-avoidant,
we may have a sense of security with ourself,
but we do not trust other people
and we may not feel safe in relationships.
Our view of self is secure.
In some ways, overly secure.
We trust ourselves and ourselves alone.
We alone are able to meet our needs, right?
We like to be independent,
and if someone tries to care for us,
it might feel inappropriate or at times even threatening.
Our view of others depends on the relationship.
The closer they get to us, the more we might be turned off
by their needs, weaknesses, or vulnerabilities.
We might think of them as being too needy or clingy,
even if they're not actually those things.
Our view is that others should, like us,
meet their own needs
and not ask for help or lean on others for support,
and we operate as if attachment itself
can be a threat to our personal security.
It might feel too confining, and we may think of ourselves
as a person who doesn't need it.
Like, I don't need anybody else, right?
Intimacy and closeness may feel like
they're a threat to our freedom.
We may even prefer short-term flings
or relationships without any commitment.
(gentle music)
And, finally, if we have disorganized attachment,
our view of self is low.
Our view of others is that they're unpredictable
and relationships themselves can feel
frightening and unsafe.
Our view of self is that we are undeserving of love.
We may not be able to
regulate our emotions well or self-soothe,
but unlike the insecurely attached
who tries to meet this need by clinging to others,
we don't feel safe with them either,
so we may turn to other coping skills
like drugs, alcohol, self-injury, eating disorder behavior.
Our view of others can fluctuate.
Sometimes we might feel extreme love or connection,
and sometimes we might feel extreme hate.
We may find ourselves expecting a partner to meet our needs,
or feeling the opposite, that no one can help us.
Our view of relationships also fluctuates.
We may find ourselves longing for closeness and intimacy,
but our view of ourselves and others might keep us trapped
in a cycle of self-sabotage or even abuse.
We can all experience relationships
where we end up feeling insecure about ourselves
or untrusting of our partner
or the instability of the bond between us,
so attachment itself is more about
the patterns that we see, meaning it's happening repeatedly.
If we look back, we can see the same type of relationship
or the same issues in a relationship
happening again and again.
(gentle music)
So, if you find yourself repeatedly in relationships
that don't seem healthy or feel right,
take a look at these patterns.
How is your view of yourself
impacting the type of relationships that you seek?
How is your view of others impacting your relationships?
Also, how is your view of
relationships or connections themselves
impacting your relationships?
Consider the questions that I asked throughout this video
and take some time to maybe
journal or jot down any of the patterns,
or maybe there was just a certain phrase I said
that really rang true for you.
Start jotting that stuff down and paying attention,
because, if we don't notice it, we can't change it, right?
We can't move in a better direction
if we don't know where we've come from,
and it really helps for us to identify
some of these unhealthy attachment or relational patterns
that we've had in our lives
so that we don't continue repeating them.
I know that we've all felt at one time or another like,
what am I, just a fly strip for dysfunctional people?
Like, why does this keep happening to me?
But I'm here to tell you that
it could have to do with our attachment style,
and recognizing that and working slowly to change that
and pick better partners and work on our own selves
so we feel more secure in ourselves
can make all the difference, but I'd love to hear from you.
How has attachment affected your adult life?
Are there things that you've done to help improve?
Feel free to share in those comments down below.
Thank you so much for watching and I will see you next time.
(upbeat music)