- Every salty person and they Mama
about to relate to this video.
What up everyone!
It's your girl Superwoman.
And in case you're new here, hi!
My name is Lilly, yeah, I speak the truth
and I relate to you like your cousin.
What up.
Now New Year's just happened,
which means a lot of people are jumping on that
new year, new me train.
Which means a lot of people are talking about relationships,
and exes, something like,
"I'm not getting back with him this year."
Girl, new year same thirst.
Who you playing?
Okay, hydrate yourself.
Types of break ups you or your homies have experienced.
Shall we?
Number one, the beneficial breakup.
Now this is the type of breakup where
you and your significant other have decided
that you're simply not right for each other,
and you separate,
except your genitals stay together.
See, 'cause you didn't have a big, explosive break up.
You know, no one killed anyone, no one cheated on anyone.
No, you just decided you were different, okay,
and it would better for both of you
if you went your separate ways.
You know, it would be good for your future.
Except, your present self is a hot, hormonal mess.
And see, when your ex's tongue is so far
down your throat, you'll convince yourself that's okay,
because technically you broke up.
Ain't nobody perfect, come on.
Look at the fine print, okay?
Yeah, but you know what, you're completely right.
In fact, you know when you get Chinese food,
and you get the chopsticks, you know,
and you try to break the chopsticks,
and 100% of the time, it doesn't break right.
And now you got this like
one and a half chopstick situation, yeah.
That is the metaphor for your breakup.
Incomplete.
That's because you didn't really break up.
You just got fractured.
Or sprained.
And now you two broken up, hot messes are making out,
together all the time, on the phone, late at night.
And all your friends are watching,
and they're claiming that they're not judging you.
But the second you leave the room,
your friend Judith be like--
- [Announcer] You are about to enter the courtroom
of Judge Judith Sheindlin.
The people are real.
The cases are real.
(laughing hysterically)
- Judith.
(laughing)
Why is that so funny?
Judith.
Ah, goddamn.
Number two,
the eraser.
I am all up on the camera,
just back it up Lilly.
Acting like the camera's Ryan Gosling up in here.
Just like, hey!
You ever break up with someone so bad, and so hard,
that it literally erased their entire existence?
Like you broke up, and they became extinct.
Like a meteoroid hit that mother effer and he gone.
This is the break up where you despise your ex,
and you wanna delete them from your life.
Block them on social media.
Throw away all their crap.
According to you, they never even existed,
because you hate them so much that you cannot handle
any mention or association with them.
I'm in the car with my friend, and I'm like,
"So, how have you been doing since you and Harry split up?"
And she's like, "Who?"
"Uh, Harry, your ex boyfriend."
"Harry, who's that?
"I've never heard of no Harry."
Girl, what you talkin' 'bout, who's that?
Stop, okay.
The guy who was in 97% of your profile pictures.
Don't be acting like you didn't write those captions.
"Nah, I don't know who Harry is.
"I've never met a Harry, so."
Oh now homegirl can't handle Harry, okay?
Homegirl made me unfollow J.K. Rowling off Twitter.
Homegirl says I can't sit in her car unless I shave,
because she doesn't like Harry.
Homegirl doesn't believe there were originally
five members of One Direction.
No, Zayn left, and she was like,
"What, that leaves three of them, right?"
Homegirl straight up turned her ex into Jason Bourne, okay.
Bourne woke up the next morning,
he needed the entire franchise to rediscover his identity.
That's how hard she faded him,
just like, what's that?
Hello?
Number three, the question mark.
This is a type of break up where no one,
not even the people who are in the relationship
know what the eff is going on.
It's like the Mariah Carey, New Year's Eve performance
style break up, where people are just like,
"What's happening?
"Who's in charge?"
(laughing)
For the record, I love Marish Carey.
Like are you together?
Are you on a break?
Are you split up, or are you just in
like a really long fight?
No one knows what's happening.
You got Mark Zuckerberg sitting with his shrink,
'cause he tryna figure out your relationship
status on Facebook.
He's probably like,
"Yo, figuring out the algorithm was easier than this."
He can solve for X in the math, but he can't solve
for your mother effin' ex.
I've made that joke before, I'm sorry.
It's just so good, you know what, I hate math.
And you're in this like confused, unclear state
where no one really knows how to navigate the situation.
You know, kind of like America post election.
And that's annoying for other potentials, a.k.a me.
'Cause like, straight up, homeboy, you kinda fine, you know.
And I need to know what the situation is, okay?
Like are you still with what's her face?
Or is she not with it no more?
If she's not with it no more, you need to let me know.
That way I can start filling in my eyebrows
when I come around you, okay.
'Cause now shawty got a chance.
Hit me with some clarity, boo, okay.
Because I know usually when I'm around you,
I only wear sweatpants, but that's because you
got me so deep in the friend zone.
But if you tryna change my position, okay.
I'm just sayin' I can bust out the skinny jeans though.
Number four, the fake friendship.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do believe that
two mature adults,
you know where ever they are in the world,
could break up and still be friends.
And that happens like 0.00001% of the time.
But there's a fine line between that genuine friendship,
and the fake friendship you uphold because
you wanna save face and hide your true feelings.
This is the break up where you go so above and beyond
to pretend like you're happy for your ex.
Just like, no, you know, honestly no,
I swear, I'm being, I'm being honest, like I'm happy
for Michael, like he, he deserves it.
Like, girl stop.
You know how you really feel.
Eff Michael, eff your new girl,
eff your entire organization.
Eff the nurse that helped deliver you,
and eff the punk that signed off
on your birth certificate, okay.
Put y'all all in a bag, eff the bag.
I hate you, I'm not happy for you.
I wouldn't throw a Happy Meal at your head
if they paid me to, okay?
And I know you have an iPhone 7, but you know what,
take this Motorola Razr, so this downgrade can match
the downgrade in your love life, ya punk.
No, but for real, if you ever need anything,
I want you to know like I'm still here for you, okay.
Like just give me a call, I'm gonna always be here for you.
Especially if you need a box upside your head!
Don't act like you wouldn't have to
mediate and talk to yourself, just to get yourself
to double tap on his new Instagram pictures.
Girl, stop.
Real talk, (laughing) that's so true.
Girl, you scrollin' through his stream,
and you see your ex, and you're like,
"Eff that."
But then you have to like pause,
and you're like, "What kind of person do I wanna be?
"Like, do I wanna be that person who has tendency
"to scroll up, and look away like..."
(laughing)
I just got too real, right, I got too real?
Okay, all right, I'll move on.
Number five, the custody battle.
The messiest break ups are the break ups
that involve 17 other people,
because y'all had so many mutual friends.
Your families already knew each other,
and heaven forbid that you had a pet,
'cause then you just need to flee the country with a puppy.
(dog barking)
Here's the thing though, right,
everyone feels like they gotta pick sides,
even though 100% of the time, you have this conversation.
"Listen, I know Harry and I broke up,
"but I really don't want you to feel like
"you have to pick sides, okay.
"I don't wanna put you in the middle."
Shut the eff up!
Of course you wanna put me in the middle!
That's exactly what you want.
Who doesn't want their friend to pick their side?
I don't want you to have to pick sides.
Shut up!
You standin' there like a waitress in a restaurant,
just like, "Yeah, so, what did you want as sides?
"Did you want the fries or the damn veggies?"
Obviously, I know this is a test, okay?
Obviously, I'm gonna agree with everything you say,
and then hide my friendship with your ex on the D low.
I'ma have to pretend like we never even talk,
oh that (mumbling), oh my God, it's been like ages,
you know, since I even, I even saw him.
What?
(laughing)
Did he just get hit by that meteoroid back there (laughing)?
I'm not drunk, this is just my personality.
No, but straight up, recently one of my guy friends
broke up with his girlfriend, Rebecca,
and I feel like I had to hide the entire thing.
We'd be in the club and I'd be singing along,
just like, "Yo, you better call,
"Patricia with the good hair."
Rebecca? Becky?
I don't even know her.
Like, boy your ex has split ends and faded roots, okay.
Ain't no one gonna think she's the Becky with the good hair.
Just calm down.
Now, you see me?
I don't deal with any of this drama, okay?
Because, I don't break up,
simply because I do not start up.
Yes.
I will be your idol.
(sparkling music)
Yo!
Hope you enjoyed that video,
if you did, you know the drill.
Give it a thumbs up, comment below.
I wanna let you know that my book,
How To Be A Bawse, is available for pre-order.
That's what the fancy little box right there is,
it works on your mobile phone.
Go ahead and click that last video, Vlog channel,
all links in the description.
New videos every Monday and Thursday,
make sure you subscribe.
One love, Supawoman.
That is a wrap, and zoop!