Is it possible to get your ex back without using the no-contact rule?
The answer is yes. But you have to understand why and what you're doing
instead and why it will work. So let's go ahead and get into that in this video.
Hey there, it's Clay with modernlove.life. We're talking about how to get back together with your
ex without using the no-contact rule. Now, in the past we've talked about how the no-contact
rule isn't the greatest thing in the world, how it's probably doing more harm than good in a lot
of ways. But what exactly is the alternative here? Now, you can absolutely stay in contact with your
ex, and I think it makes sense for a lot of people to do that. The no-contact rule can sometimes be
useful if you being in contact with your ex is just causing more hurt, more pain, and harm to
the connection between the two of you. But to get together without using the no-contact rule,
you must play by a different set of rules. You have to throw the entire game out the window.
Why is it that people often use the no-contact rule? The first reason
is that they believe that time heals all wounds. Now, don't get me wrong,
if there are a lot of negative experiences that you're having together with you and your partner,
perhaps because of the breakup or something like that, then sometimes time can reduce the intensity
of those negative emotions. It's not necessarily going to do that. It could actually intensify
them as they continue to hold onto this negative image of you in their head. They keep thinking,
oh, you're the guy that lied. You're the guy that cheated. And they start getting themselves frothed
up, uh, feeling more resentful, more hurt, more anger, more contempt towards you. But
time sometimes helps to reduce those negative feelings. It's not the only thing that reduces
those negative feelings, though. That is one thing that no contact does have going for it.
But there's something even more important and powerful that can reduce those negative
feelings. What is it? It's how you show up. It's how you interact with your ex. Often,
this whole no-contact business is based on the assumption that you're in damage control mode,
that you're begging, you're pleading, you're calling them and contacting them and texting
them a million times a day and all that sort of stuff. I think we've all been there and done that,
and we have learned very quickly that that is not the best strategy. I've been there myself;
I've done that all myself too. But we have probably all learned pretty quickly that that's
not gonna get us there. And so we are going to have to take on another approach. However,
this is where a lot of times people think, okay, well the other approach is to just do no contact.
You know, stop contacting them and then, you know, maybe after a month I'll call 'em up,
or maybe I'll write a handwritten letter and send it to them. Uh, taking accountability
for everything that I think I've done wrong. Or perhaps I'll just do no contact until they
crack under pressure and come crawling to me over broken shards of glass, realizing that I'm such
a wonderful and fantastic catch and that they should be lucky to be with me right now. Again,
don't get me wrong, I'm sure a lot of you have a lot of very positive things going for you here,
but if that's not where your ex is at, emotionally spending time apart isn't necessarily going to
cause them to want to crawl over broken shards of glass to be with you. It may just cement in
their mind the reasons why the two of you aren't together or shouldn't be together.
So what do you need to actually do to get back together without no contact?
So the first thing we need to do is we need to drop the romantic pressure. What do I mean
by that? If they think that all of this is just an orchestrated stunt, sort of planned
strategy to get them back into a relationship that honestly they don't even want to be in right now,
they're going to resist and push back. So that's why the begging doesn't work. That's
why the pleading doesn't work. That's why the promising up and down doesn't work. That's
why the grand romantic gestures don't work. That's why the surprise, you know, marriage
proposals and things like that don't work. It's because emotionally, where they're at is, they
don't even want to be in this relationship. So anything that you do that's relationship-focused,
that is a very high level of romantic pressure, is going to fall flat on its face.
So we got to drop that romantic pressure down. Why? So that we can connect with them in the
present moment so that we can feel and bond and get closeness with them. Because when they start
to feel closeness with us, they want to spend more time with us. When they want to spend more
time with us, they want to feel closer to us still, too. And they then start to think, Hey,
I'm spending a lot of time with this person. I'm enjoying it. We're getting close. We're
building a stronger emotional connection than I'm built with anyone else. Maybe
I might want to think about being in a relationship with them. That's probably,
ideally, fingers crossed, how you and your ex got together in the first place. You said, Hey,
here's an attractive person. Let's date and see if we have anything in common.
Oh, look, we do. Let's spend some more time together. Oh, wow. Uh, maybe we should be in a
relationship together. Okay. Yeah, that's probably how it happened. It wasn't just this whole thing
of like, you know, Hey, it's first date time here, you know, when do you think we should get married?
What how many kids do you think we should have? It probably wasn't anything like that. I think we all
know that's a faux pa when it comes to dating. I think we all know that those are the kinds of
dates you wanna run screaming from. So why are we doing that when it comes to getting back together
and saving our relationship? And we're doing it because we have the wrong information here.
We have the wrong information, and that is that we're focusing
on the wrong things. We think that we need to convince them.
We think that we need to be even more romantic to show them how genuine we are. But usually,
what we need to do is be less romantic. We think that we need to cut emotional contact with them
so that we can gain power over them so they can understand that we don't need them, that we're not
needed, we're not desperate, that we're not all these things that maybe we were initially after
the breakup when we were in damage mode. But if we simply just stop being that and we drop
the emotional pressure, the romantic pressure, and we just connect with them, then we can start
to build up that emotional connection, guide them through a process where they might feel confused,
not sure if they can trust us, not sure if they see a future with us, and guide them through that
to a point where they actually do see a future with us, and to the point where they actually do
want to take the initiative where they actually do want to pursue working things out with us,
where they want to actually work together with us to figure out how to make this relationship work.
And it's no longer just you twisting their arm or pursuing them or pressuring them or trying
to convince them or influence them or anything like that. But you have to stop thinking that
no contact is the only thing that you got going for you. You have to stop thinking that reverse
psychology or mind games or playing hard to get, or any of this other BS stuff that maybe
you've heard elsewhere is the only thing that you got going for you. And you have to let go
of that, and you have to focus in on the most important thing in all of this. What is that?
It's how they feel when they're with you.
If you can improve how they feel and how they connect when they're with you, that's when
they're going to start to open up emotionally, and that's when they're going to start to feel better.
But the thing here is though, it's not as clear cut as you might think. There's a very special
thing that's going to unfold through all of this that can be sometimes complicated, sometimes
confusing, sometimes frustrating. And this is their specific five emotional stages of getting
back together with you. If you understand these, you're going to know how to save your relationship
without mind games, without no contact, without reverse psychology, without playing hard to get,
without pretending to be someone or something that you're not. And if you want to learn all of this,
and if you want to discover about your X'S five emotional stages, then check out this
video series over here, or I break it all down for you and lay it out in terms of what you can
experience at each step, where your X probably is right now, and more importantly, what you can
do about it. Go ahead and check it out right over there. I'll see you in the next video.