Open mic. Let's see. Age yourself
with a store that no longer exists.
Hey, who's coming? Is there alright?
We're gonna hit highs on the way home.
Maybe a little hex,
a little hechinger.
Shout out to my man Tony Perkins.
One of his first jobs was at Zara,
apparently. Good evening.
Welcome to open mic.
We like to start things off
with a few hot takes on new
stories you won't find anywhere
else. You know we have to start
things out right in PG Landover
where Washington commanders rookie Sam.
Owl led the team to a win against
our hated rivals Dallas Cowboys, so
they had how all this whole
time and still played.
Carson wins. Yeah,
they deserve to watch the playoffs,
but what really has folks excited
this might have been dance night's
last game as owner of the franchise,
fans took to social media sharing their
excitement over Dan Snyder's tenure,
potentially ending this tweet
from Barstool DMV shows a
skeleton waving. In a cell, the team shirt
that reads me when it's probably
the last commanders game with
Dan Snyder as owner said but
true. And this one from Brian Murphy,
which read please, dear Lord,
let this be the last game ever
of the Dance Snyder era.
That's a win no matter what
happens today. And you know what?
My man brought the Lord into it.
I hope Snyder's leaving
for real, but I don't get excited
about anything involving this
team until I see it happen.
20 years of bad ownership will do that.
This fan base deserves therapy
for collective trauma. But we did
beat the Cowboys, and that always
feels good. That and watching them
implode in pressure situations,
which will be happening in
the next week or two. Let's
stay in DC for this next story,
a new Chamber of Commerce studies.
Showed that Washington,
DC is the loneliest city in America.
Hmm, the loneliest city.
I don't know about that.
I mean, DC has too many bottomless
brunches to be the loneliest city
in America. And it turns out the
study is based on the percentage
of people who live alone in one person.
Households. DC tops the list at
48.2% now look, living alone in
DC does not mean you're lonely.
It means you're successful.
You know how much rent is in this city if
you are a single man with no roommates?
This is all you are cleaning up city boys.
It is the people with five or
six roommates they meet off
Craigslist that are lonely.
Look, I ain't judging
cause I've been there.
We've all been there. But
it's hard to find love when you all have
to keep it down so the rest of the house
doesn't know your business.
Now, I chose this next door out of DC
because it made international headlines.
Jervonte Tank Davis fight at
Capital One arena in downtown DC
was temporarily stopped
midway through the 8th.
Down due to a ringside scuffle
involving rapper Meek Mill and boxer
Gary Russell Junior, along with
Russell's brothers Antonio and Gary,
by the way, who are also boxers.
Wow. Wow. One rapper against three
professional fighters meat was about
to find out what dreams and
nightmares were really about in
front of 1,000,000 on pay-per-view.
This was so crazy they even
got wallow involved in it,
and he's like the most
peaceful man who's ever lived.
The people getting paid to fight
had to actually stop fighting
because other people looked
like they were about to fight.
That should never happen,
especially in the expensive
seats that is Nosebleed
section behavior. The best
fights happen in the nothing to
lose part of the arena. Just
ask the Suns in four guy.
The hashtag only in DC was
trending after this happened.
But since Meek Mill was involved,
I think Philly needs to take at least half
of this L by the way,
the Russell brothers are from DC,
so we'll claim responsibility for the half
that would have actually won the fight.
Thankfully, nobody was
hurt and the fight resumed.
Congratulations to Tank Davis on his win,
and congratulations to Meek Mill
for not getting destroyed by men
who get paid to beat people up.
The real winner was me,
since I got to see a Twitter
scuffle derail a whole prize fight.
I
used to pray for times.
Like this the round like this.
Hold up, wait a minute.
Y'all thought I was finished
makes about to fight me.
Thanks for what I did to his song, but
thankfully Twitter put up the
video of me hitting the heavy
bag. So. I'll be good.
We're headed to Capitol
Hill for this last story,
where Congressman and fictional
resume author George Santos will
start off his first week in office
facing a formal ethics complaint
from the Federal Election Commission
for bogus claims he made while
running for office.
Santos, a Republican,
has admitted to lying about his education,
work experience and even his faith.
The Republican District Attorney
of Nassau County says she's
looking into whether any of those
fabrications amounted to crimes,
and federal prosecutors are also looking
into Santos's financial disclosures.
I can't be the only one at
the end of that that thought,
she said. Even his fade like
Dang. He lied about his haircut.
That is right. Investigate everything.
I don't even believe his name
is George Santos. I wouldn't be
surprised. We find out it's something
like Hector Mcfa fraud ******* and that
this is his Better Call Saul alias.
I tell you it is. George
Santos appears to be the least honest
person in Congress and that is hard to do.
He is the political version.
Of Doctor love, the FEC is accusing
Santos of illegally using campaign
funds for personal expenses,
including renting an apartment
and submitting false information about
where he got his campaign donations
as well as his campaigns expenses. So
this guy was using campaign funds
to pay rent. The only way this
story could get any crazier is
if he used his warchest to buy
a dominant crusted chain with
a Donald Trump Jesus piece.
I tell you this, he should start
writing a memoir because his days in
Congress sound numbered from legislature
to lock up the George Santos story.
I can see it now. And by the way,
expect him to take some creative liberties
because we know he's good at that.
My favorite story
I got to go watching George
Santos's world fall apart.
One day his name will be
synonymous with lies.
Like, hey, don't you Santos me,
bro, I want the truth.
You can't handle the truth.
Throwback to people of my age.