>> Stephen: HEY!
IT'S ME ON THE TV!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
MAN, WHAT A GAME.
TONIGHT, OBVIOUSLY, WAS THE N.C.A.A. MEN'S BASKETBALL
CHAMPIONSHIP, AND OUR COVERAGE CONTINUES WITH MY COLLEAGUES
CHUCK AND KENNY.
GUYS, WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE SECOND HALF?
GUYS?
ARE THEY NOT HERE?
WELL, LET'S GO TO TH -- WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
YOU CAN'T HEAR ME OR THEY'RE NOT HERE?
LET'S JUST GO TO THE HIGHLIGHTS.
AND WE DON'T HAVE HIGHLIGHTS WHY DON'T WE HAVE HIGHLIGHTS?
BECAUSE IT'S 5:30 WHEN WE RECORDED THIS?
THEN WHY AM I SO SLEEPY?
AND WHY IS IT DARK OUT THIS WINDOW?
THIS IS CHAOS!
THIS IS MADNESS!
ANYWHO, IT'S MY FIRST SHOW BACK IN A WEEK.
SINCE LAST WE WERE TOGETHER, SPRING HAS SPRUNG, AND THE
EASTER BUNNY HAS LEFT US BASKETS OF HIS UNFERTILIZED
CHOCOLATE CHILDREN.
JUST LIKE JESUS COMMANDED.
NO ONE'S FEELING MORE SNACKY THAN NEW YORKERS, BECAUSE LAST
WEEK, THE STATE OF NEW YORK LEGALIZED RECREATIONAL
MARIJUANA.
THAT'S RIGHT!
TIME TO CARVE THE BIG APPLE INTO A BONG!
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, NEW YORKERS ARE ALLOWED TO POSSESS
UP TO THREE OUNCES OF CANNABIS.
THAT'S A LOT OF POT!
YOU COULD EITHER SMOKE IT OR USE IT AS MULCH.
ISN'T THAT A LOT?
THREE OUNCES IS A LOT.
WHO NEEDS THREE OUNCES?
NOW, THE MOVE TO LEGALIZE WEED -- SO I'VE HEARD.
I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
NOW, THE MOVE TO LEGALIZE WEED IN NEW YORK CAME VERY ABRUPTLY,
WITH SOME PEOPLE SUGGESTING THAT GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO WAS "MORE
MOTIVATED" TO SUPPORT THE MOVE TO DISTRACT FROM THE RECENT
SEXUAL HARASSMENT ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM.
(AS CUOMO) "ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, WE'RE GONNA
LEGALIZE POT.
I KNOW IT DESTROYS SHORT-TERM MEMORY.
ANY CHANCE IT COULD DESTROY ALL MEMORY?"
SO, PACK IT DOWN AND LIGHT IT UP, BUT DON'T BUY IT, NEW
YORKERS.
BECAUSE EXPERTS PREDICT LEGAL SALES WON'T START UNTIL LATE
2022 OR EARLY 2023.
UNTIL THEN, FOLKS WILL HAVE TO RELY ON THE EXISTING MARIJUANA
INFRASTRUCTURE: KYLE.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL HAS A BEEPER.
TURNING 21, STILL HAS A BEEPER.
MAN, IT'S COLD IN HERE.
DOES IT FEEL CHILLY TO YOU?
THIS IS COMEDY WEATHER IN HERE.
IT'S SUPER FROSTY.
LEGAL WEED ISN'T THE ONLY GOOD NEWS -- WHAT'S THE LOOK YOU'RE
GIVING ME?
SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?
I'M FINE, HEALTHY, TESTED.
I'M GOOD.
LEGAL WEED ISN'T THE ONLY GOOD NEWS, BECAUSE THERE'S ANOTHER
POPULAR DRUG EVERYONE'S BEEN INJECTING: THE COVID VACCINE!
THIS WEEKEND SAW OVER FOUR MILLION RECORDED VACCINATIONS IN
A DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AT THIS RATE, AMERICA WILL REACH HERD IMMUNITY IN JUST THREE
MONTHS.
APRIL, MAY, JUNE -- THAT MEANS, THIS FOURTH OF JULY, YOUR
BARBECUE WILL BE A PERFECTLY SAFE PLACE FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO
RUN AROUND THE GRILL WHILE YOUR DRUNK UNCLE BLOWS OFF A COUPLE
OF FINGERS.
NOW, I DON'T PAY A LOT OF ATTENTION TO THE NEWS WHEN WE'RE
OFF, BUT THIS WEEK I READ EVERY POSSIBLE ARTICLE ABOUT THE
CAREER IMPLOSION OF FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND HOST OF "LET'S
MAKE A DOUCHE," MATT GAETZ.
HERE'S WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON: THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT IS
INVESTIGATING GAETZ FOR VIOLATING FEDERAL SEX
TRAFFICKING LAWS, SPECIFICALLY WHETHER HE HAD A SEXUAL
RELATIONSHIP WITH A 17-YEAR-OLD AND PAID FOR HER TO TRAVEL WITH
HIM.
THAT IS SHOCKING.
WHO'S GOING TO BREAK THIS TO HIS ADULT ADOPTED SON, NESTOR?
LET'S GET RIGHT TO OUR CONTINUING FIRST-TIME COVERAGE
OF GAETZ-GAETE!
TONIGHT ON GAETZ-GAETE, GAETZ DIDN'T DESTROY HIS POLITICAL
CAREER ALONE.
HE HAD HELP FROM HIS LONGTIME FRIEND, FORMER SEMINOLE COUNTY
TAX COLLECTOR AND MAN SELLING SANDWICHES IN STRIP CLUB PARKING
LOT, JOEL GREENBERG.
LAST SUMMER, GREENBERG WAS INDICTED FOR SEX TRAFFICKING OF
A CHILD AND FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING PEOPLE IN EXCHANGE
FOR SEX.
AND AUTHORITIES ALLEGE THAT GREENBERG WAS GAETZ'S FRIEND WHO
PROCURED A NUMBER OF WOMEN FOR HIM AND THEY SOMETIMES
SHARED SEXUAL PARTNERS.
SOUNDS RISKY, BUT GAETZ ALWAYS WEARS PROTECTION.
YEP, THAT IS DEFINITELY COVERING A DICK.
ALLEGEDLY, GAETZ AND GREENBERG MET THESE WOMEN USING WEBSITES
THAT CONNECT PEOPLE WHO GO ON DATES IN EXCHANGE FOR GIFTS,
TRAVEL, AND ALLOWANCES.
Y'KNOW, THAT THING YOU ASSOCIATE WITH ADULTS: ALLOWANCE.
ONE OF THE WEBSITES IS CALLED "SEEKING ARRANGEMENT."
BAD NEWS FOR THE GUY JUST LOOKING FOR A BOUQUET FOR HIS
ANNIVERSARY AND ENDED UP SENDING HIS WIFE AN 18-YEAR-OLD WHO'S
DOWN TO PARTY.
REPORTEDLY, GAETZ AND GREENBERG PAID FOR TRAVEL AND HOTEL ROOMS,
WHERE CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS TOOK ECSTASY BEFORE HAVING SEX,
INCLUDING GAETZ.
IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH ECSTASY, IT'S THE FEELING YOU
GET WHEN YOU HEAR BAD NEWS ABOUT MATT GAETZ.
GAETZ'S OFFICE DENIED THE ALLEGATIONS, SAYING, "MATT GAETZ
HAS NEVER PAID FOR SEX.
MATT GAETZ REFUTES ALL THE DISGUSTING ALLEGATIONS
COMPLETELY.
MATT GAETZ HAS NEVER EVER BEEN ON ANY SUCH WEBSITES
WHATSOEVER."
WELL, STEPHEN COLBERT THINKS WHEN MATT GAETZ SAYS MATT GAETZ
NEVER PAID FOR SEX, IT REALLY MAKES IT SOUND LIKE MATT GAETZ
PAID FOR SEX, MATT GAETZ.
SAID STEPHEN COLBERT!
AND REPORTERS FOR "THE NEW YORK TIMES" HAVE SEEN RECEIPTS TO
THESE WOMEN FROM CASH APP, AND APPLE PAY.
HOW DUMB IS MATT GAETZ?
(AS GAETZ) "DUDE, DUDE, DON'T LEAVE A PAPER
TRAIL.
USE THE CASH APP, THAT WAY IT ALL GOES UP IN THE CLOUD!
THAT WAY, WHEN IT RAINS EVIDENCE DISAPPEARS!
PRETTY SURE THAT'S HOW IT WORKS."
GAETZ DIDN'T KEEP HIS PERVY BEHAVIOR SECRET.
ALLEGEDLY, HE SHOWED HIS REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES PHOTOS AND
VIDEOS OF NUDE WOMEN HE SAID HE HAD SLEPT WITH WHILE ON THE
HOUSE FLOOR.
REMEMBER: THIS IS WHERE HE WORKS.
YOU KNOW THOSE MANDATORY SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRAININGS YOUR OFFICE
HOLDS WHERE THE EXAMPLES THEY GIVE ARE ALL SO OUTRAGEOUS,
YOU'RE LIKE "WHO IS THIS POSSIBLY FOR?"
IT'S FOR MATT GAETZ.
GAETZ ALSO REPORTEDLY BOASTED OF HIS "ACCESS TO WOMEN."
WHO SAYS "ACCESS" TO WOMEN?
THEY'RE HUMANS, NOT THE UNITED AIRLINES PREMIERE CLUB.
GAETZ'S REPUTATION FOR CREEP GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO HIS
DAYS IN THE FLORIDA LEGISLATURE, WHERE HE ALLEGEDLY CREATED A
"GAME WHERE MEMBERS OF THE FLORIDA HOUSE GOT 'POINTS' FOR
SLEEPING WITH AIDES, INTERNS LOBBYISTS, AND MARRIED
LEGISLATORS."
OOH, FUN!
Y'KNOW, THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE HAS A SIMILAR GAME,
WHERE INSTEAD OF POINTS, YOU GET "YEARS" IN "PRISON" FOR SLEEPING
WITH "TEENAGERS."
LAST WEEK, GAETZ WENT ON TUCKER CARLSON TO DEFEND HIMSELF AND IT
DID NOT GO WELL.
IN FACT, AFTERWARDS, CARLSON THREW HIM UNDER THE TUCKER BUS
>> YOU JUST SAW OUR MATT GAETZ INTERVIEW, THAT WAS ONE OF THE
WEIRDEST INTERVIEWS I HAVE EVER CONDUCTED.
>> STEPHEN: OH, REALLY?
JIMMY?
( CHEERING ) >> LOOK AT THAT!
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON -- AMAZING.
>> STEPHEN: BY THE WAY, WE'RE JUST LEARNING THAT NONE OF
THOSE CATS WERE 18.
IF YOU'RE A FAN OF BASEBALL AND VOTING, I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT
UPDATE.
BECAUSE, ON FRIDAY, MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL ANNOUNCED THEY ARE
MOVING THE ALL-STAR GAME OUT OF GEORGIA.
IT'S A DRAMATIC STORY THAT MOVES BASEBALL DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO
BEING NEWSWORTHY.
BUT M.L.B. HAS MADE THEIR DECISION.
SO, GEORGIANS, IF YOU WERE PLANNING ON ATTENDING THE GAME,
NOW YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND A DIFFERENT REASON TO GET DAY
DRUNK ON NINE DOLLAR MILLER LIGHTS AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE
NOON.
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL YANKED THE GAME BECAUSE THE GEORGIA G.O.P.
PASSED A MAJOR LAW LIMITING VOTING, LIKE ADDING VOTER I.D.
REQUIREMENTS FOR ABSENTEE BALLOTS, LIMITING THE USE OF
BALLOT DROP BOXES, AND MAKING IT A CRIME TO APPROACH VOTERS IN
LINE TO GIVE THEM FOOD AND WATER.
THERE'S YOUR SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY.
AS IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE, "FOR I WAS HUNGRY AND YOU GAVE ME
SOMETHING TO EAT, I WAS THIRSTY AND YOU GAVE ME SOMETHING TO
DRINK, THEN YOU WERE ARRESTED BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE ARE
TERRIFIED OF STACEY ABRAMS."
FOR YEARS, REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN REMOVING POLLING LOCATIONS AND
SHORTENING VOTING HOURS IN ORDER TO MAKE IT HARDER TO VOTE IN
BLACK DISTRICTS.
AND IT'S SURE NOT A GREAT LOOK THAT GEORGIA GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP
SIGNED IT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS GUARDED BY STATE TROOPERS,
SURROUNDED BY WHITE MEN WHILE SITTING UNDER A PAINTING
OF A SLAVE PLANTATION.
THEN THEY CELEBRATED BY WATCHING "GONE WITH THE WIND" AND SINGING
ALL THE WORDS TO "GOLD DIGGER."
IT IS SO BLATANTLY RACIST THAT IT'S BEEN DUBBED, "JIM CROW
2.0."
2.0?
REALLY?
GEORGIA'S PASSED SO MANY VOTER SUPPRESSION MEASURES, THEY'VE
GOT TO BE UP TO AT LEAST JIM CROW SNOW LEOPARD.
SO, ON FRIDAY, THE LEAGUE RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL FUNDAMENTALLY SUPPORTS VOTING
RIGHTS FOR ALL AMERICANS AND OPPOSES RESTRICTIONS TO THE
BALLOT BOX."
AND YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN THE ORGANIZATION THAT INCLUDES THE
ATLANTA BRAVES AND THE CLEVELAND INDIANS SAY YOU'RE TOO RACIST.
THAT'S LIKE MATT GAETZ TELLING YOU TO DATE YOUR OWN AGE.
SPEAKING OF SEX CRIMINALS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT PUT OUT A
STATEMENT ON M.L.B.'S DECISION, AS WELL AS OTHER
CORPORATIONS WHO HAVE CRITICIZED GEORGIA:
"IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR REPUBLICANS AND CONSERVATIVES TO
FIGHT BACK-- WE HAVE MORE PEOPLE THAN THEY DO-- BY FAR!
BOYCOTT MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, COCA-COLA, DELTA AIRLINES,
JPMORGAN CHASE, VIACOMCBS, CITIGROUP, CISCO, UPS, AND
MERCK."
TOGETHER, THAT CONSTITUTES A SECTOR OF THE ECONOMY EXPERTS
CALL, "THE ECONOMY."
HIS SUPPORTERS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GO GENERIC.
HOPE YOU LIKE GREAT VALUE BAT AND BALL PRODUCT, AND KIRKLAND
SIGNATURE AIRLINES.
PLUS, IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE HIM GIVING UP HIS BELOVED DIET COKE.
IF HE NEEDS A PICK-ME-UP, HE'LL HAVE TO ASK DON JUNIOR TO SHARE
HIS SUPPLY OF COKE CLASSIC.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOHN CENA AND SENATOR TAMMY DUCKWORTH.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS THE GRIFT THAT
KEEPS ON GRIFTING.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪