I've had so many clients and patients over the years who really struggle with
the 12-step concepts because of either semantics or the religion part and all
that can become a giant hurdle to recovery
in fact I had a young man in my office recently like a really young man like
this guy just turned 18 like a few days ago and he said to me in a way that
made a lot of sense he said he was telling me he really didn't like the
whole 12-step thing and I said well tell me about why and he said because every
time I go to somebody with a question I get some kind of overly simplified
answer that doesn't really answer anything and I'm like like what and he
says well like just pray about it or say the Serenity Prayer or just hand it over
or keep it simple you know like all those slogans and those things that
we've all heard a million times and he says no matter what question I go to him
with I just get some kind of metaphor or indirect answer and so it's really hard
for me to buy into the whole thing and I know that this is the case not just for
that young man but for thousands and thousands of
people out there so I thought I would go through each of those steps and sort of
take out some of those stumbling blocks around semantics and religion if we can
take that part out and explain it to you in a little different way it may not
feel like such a barrier for you anymore
for those of you who are new here I'm amber Hollingsworth and this is put the
shovel down the YouTube channel dedicated to helping you understand the
science and psychology of addiction so that you can figure out your best way of
beating this thing ok back to the 12 steps so you all know step number one
that's the big cat daddy one that's the whole one about powerlessness and that
is the very word that people really get tripped up on in this particular step so
basically people struggle with saying I'm powerless and I can understand that
because most people I know they have addictions they're actually pretty
motivated a lot of them are super successful stubborn headed get what they want kind
of people and so the idea of powerlessness is really hard for them so
I feel like if we took that one word out and we just explained that in a slightly
different way it might not be such a roadblock for people another way to
think about that step might be something like I've tried a whole lot of different
ways to manage this issue I've tried to cut it back I've tried to change
substances I've tried to not do it at all I've tried all these different ways
and the problem just keeps coming back and biting me in the butt you see here's
why people really struggle with the word powerlessness in this particular step
number one people just dislike associating that word powerlessness to
themselves it feels like being a victim or it feels like just giving up and so
people just dislike the word in general but the other thing that really gives
people trouble about this is because they can think of a bunch of times where
they actually did control their substance use you know they can think
about all those times where they did just drink two or three or four or where
they didn't go over the limit and so because of that people really struggle
with well I'm not really powerless because some of the time it really is
kind of in the limits the key here for most people is to understand that it's
not that you're powerless all the time but it's more around the idea of you've
tried a lot of things already to manage your substance use you've tried cutting
it back you've tried all these other different things
and the problem just keeps coming back now it may not come back every time but
eventually it's gonna bite you I like to say it's kind of like Russian Roulette
and you really never know when that dam is gonna break now of course there's a
ton of science behind this concept of why a person cannot manage their
substance use it's a lot of brain stuff and nerdy stuff and I got a lot of
videos on that in case you're interested but here's what I really want you to
know even if you are the master of control and you can control everything
else in your life you may have this one area that you just can't consistently
predict and control what's going to happen and that's the way it is when you
have an addiction it doesn't mean you can't ever do it it means you can't
consistently do it and when things mess up it really messes up so just think of
it like this say to yourself yeah I've tried a lot of different ways to manage
this and it's really just not working for me anymore okay step number two says
we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity so this is where the whole religion part comes in and so people
start getting really squirmy about this because it's the idea of a Power greater
than myself but the real key words here are came to believe and restore me to
sanity so the idea here is do you believe that you can get better and most
of the time that happens when you actually see other people around you or
hear about other people around you or know other people around you they have
actually beating this thing so you come to believe that it can be conquered and
that there must be some other answer out there now I know you've probably heard
the saying like well your higher power can be anything it can be the doorknob
well, I really struggle with that because I really don't think it can be the
doorknob the doorknob is not a Power greater than yourself I mean come on
it's a doorknob but can you wrap your head around there are some other people
out there that have this figured out and you become willing to take their advice
about it that works maybe it's your sponsor maybe it's your whole
12-step group maybe it's your therapist maybe it's your preacher but if you can
wrap your head around the fact that other people get better and maybe
there's someone or some people out there who might know how to guide you to that
then I think we can actually get somewhere and move on to step number
three which basically says made a decision to turn my will and my life over
to God as I understand them so we've already sort of corrected the whole God
as I understand them concept you know what the key here to step 3 is the key
to step 3 is so simple all you got to do is really understand that you don't have
all the answers that you are not the higher power and that you have already
tried everything you know and the problems still there if you can wrap
your head around the fact that you're not the higher power and that you don't
have all the answers then you can pretty much move forward with this because this
step is really about willingness I'm willing to let go of being super
stubborn headed and thinking I have all the answers and I'm gonna open my mind
to some other answers or some other ways of thinking or some other pieces of
advice about how to solve this problem now that doesn't sound so scary and
mystical does it it's just a little bit of humility it's just saying I don't
have all the answers if you can do that we're gonna be all right
people really get freaked out about step number four I'm really not sure why
honestly people say well it just brings up a lot of stuff but you know what I think
part of it is cuz step four actually requires like a lot of pencil and paper
like it's all homework and I think a lot of people procrastinate on this step
because it's a lot of work so the resistance to this might not be as
complicated and deep as most people think it's just where the pen meets the
paper and so step four is about making that list that list of people who you're
holding resentments towards who you're holding grudges to and then in the
process and through talking with your sponsor making those lists you kind of
see your own part in things so in my mind step four is really just coming to terms
with all these resentments you've got going on in your life
and you know why that's really important because resentments lead you to feeling
sorry for yourself and feeling sorry for yourself will lead you to justify
continuing to use drugs alcohol or make some other kind of bad decision because
self-pity leads us to some really bad decisions so it is quite necessary to
address resentments in recovery additionally if you can figure out how
you maybe are contributing to some of those situations maybe self sabotaging
yourself then you might quit doing it as often and the resentment list might
start to shrink which might help you to quit adding to the resentment list and
that leads pretty obviously into number five which in my mind basically just
means I'm gonna own my own stuff and this is just like I just told you owning
your own stuff is important because you cannot let your mind go down to that
road of self-pity because it leads to justifying an excuse making which is bad
territory when you have an addiction honestly it's kind of a bad territory
anyway to anyone it's just particularly dangerous when you have an addiction
number six became entirely ready to have my higher
power remove all my character defects basically what this means in my mind is
coming to terms with are you ready to change your ways are you really ready to
take a look at those unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns which lead to
negative feelings that are getting you in trouble so now that
you've identified what those are are you ready to get rid of them sometimes there
might be one or two of those thoughts or behaviors that you might be reluctant to
giving up I've experienced this myself and once I asked a friend of mine in
recovery what do you do if you're not quite ready to get rid of one of your
character defects and the advice he told me was that you have to pray to become
willing so it's almost like you have to take a little prerequisite step in there
if you're finding some resistance but if you really struggle with the idea of
praying about it why don't you just do a lot of self-reflection about it what
purpose does this behavior serve you what in what ways is it benefitting
you and in what ways is it harming you and if you take a real honest look at that
and you really be going to understand that this is causing more harm than good
you're probably gonna become ready to not hold on to that anymore so number
seven says we humbly ask God to remove those character defects I know you
struggling with the god word but here's another way to think about that
basically you're saying to whoever those people are around you that you've
decided that you're gonna sort of hand over and you're gonna like seek their
guidance and remember your letting go of your sort of willfulness here and your
thought that I know everything so basically whoever that is if that's your
church if that's your group if that's your therapist or your family here that is
you're basically saying hey look I'm aware that I have these issues and if
you see me doing it hey let me know because I really want to be better with
that you can do that right number eight made a list of people we had harmed and
became willing to make amends to all of them in my mind step eight and nine are so
essential because during the process of addiction you've probably made a lot of
messes in your relationships and if it's still hanging out there in the air and
you haven't directly addressed these things then you're filled up with all
this shame and guilt and resentment and bad feelings and self-pity and I'm
telling you all that if you hang on to it will lead you to self-pity which is
gonna lead you to making and justifying bad decisions plus it just keeps a block
between you in the world because you're walking around hoping you don't run into
this person hoping people don't bring up certain topics and you still feel like
that disconnect from the people around you and you still feel like you're sort
of juggling those balls the same way you did in addiction this is about getting
rid of this and so number nine is actually doing the work number nine is
making those amends and the way I see this it's like I'm cleaning up the house
emotionally and in my relationships now some of our houses are just a little
messy and they need some tightening up and other people
houses emotionally it looks like hoarders inside of there and so it may
take a little bit more to clean it up but once you address all of these
relationship things and you get all those relationship messes cleaned up it
feels so much better it really is like a freeing process because you don't have
to carry that anymore it's the same way as when you get your house perfectly
clean everything in the right order and shiny and spic and span
isn't that a freeing great feeling and that is essentially what you're doing
here you're just doing that emotionally and psychologically on the inside so you
don't have to carry that negative stuff anymore that really does take that last
bit of burden that you're carrying from those addiction days it takes it off of
you number 10 number ten to me is all about
keeping the house clean so now that you've done all of those things you've
cleaned up the house it's so organized you could be on like a TLC come look at
my house TV show it's so organized inside like spiritually and emotionally you
feel good number ten is just about keeping it that way and so we all know
that it's so much easier if when you use the dish you go ahead and put it in the
dishwasher then you don't get that big mess filled up in there and so to me
this step is all about that it's everyday tidying things up emotionally
and with your relationships and all that kind of stuff so that tomorrow is a
fresh start every day as a fresh start and you don't have to carry any baggage
from the day before now number eleven is one of those steps
that has a lot of religion or spirituality in it because it talks
about keeping that conscious contact with God but if you're struggling with
that here's another way that might be helpful for you it's really important to
stay connected to those positive influences and things in your life that
have helped you get to where you're at and so you really need to stay connected
to that regularly going forward otherwise it's so easy to slide back to
where we were think of it like you've now had your
tires aligned you're moving down the road and a straight path steady no
bumping and all that kind of stuff but if you don't keep those tires aligned and
you don't keep everything all that maintenance in there
you're gonna be sliding back off to the left again so what is that for you is
that going to church is that reading books about recovery is that listening
to recovery podcast is that staying connected with friends in recovery what
are those ways that you can stay connected to your truth where you can be
honest with yourself about what's going on where you can really take those
inventories inside and keep that house clean every day if you don't keep that
influence around you you will slowly start to slide back to where you were
and number 12 we all know number 12 is about carrying the message forward so
haven't had the spiritual awakening as they say in the 12 steps will you carry
this message forward you know what this is about taking your really difficult
life experiences that you've went through and using it to do good in the
world there's actually even a lot of science behind this because when you do
what you see is good things in the world you get some good brain chemicals going
on and that really does help to keep you sober so if you struggle with the 12
steps in the classic way and you're like well I just don't know that I can sort
of be an ambassador to that and carry that forward what you can do is use your
experiences to do good and pay it forward in the world and be a helpful
contributing citizen of the world instead of a person that just sucks
energy and resources from everyone and everything around it you know 12-step
recovery you hear people say and you can even hear Bill say it in the big book
about how if I don't help another person get sober then I'm going to relapse
myself that really is about controlling the way we feel about ourselves
it's about getting outside of our self involvement and self-obsession and
deciding what can I give what can I offer how can I help someone else that
keeps us in such a good place mentally emotionally and psychologically that we
really do have less need for the drugs and alcohol we feel better so we don't
crave that stuff anymore you see you guys there really is so much to these 12
steps and they can be effective even if you're really struggling with the
religious part or some of those semantics and words you know there's a
lot of science and brain chemistry and psychology behind this stuff so I hope
that you don't let those things keep you from reaching out there and finding your
happiness what part of the 12-step process have you struggled with now or
in the past or what part of the 12-step process
have you found extremely helpful and effective let me know that in the
comments below and coming up next more recovery concepts just click the
playlist I've got it right up here for you