- So I remember, I wanted to try waxing so I was like,
"OH, I'll just go to Walgreens and get a kit
"and do it myself."
I like arts and crafts.
(audience laughs)
And I don't like arts and crafts.
I've never finished a scrapbook in my life.
Didn't finish this one either.
I didn't get past the second page
if you know what I'm sayin'.
I don't know what I'm sayin'.
No, it was the worst, they give you microwavable wax,
but every microwave is different.
I just put it in and pressed popcorn, I didn't know.
(audience laughs)
Oh God, I burnt myself, I scolded- not scold.
Scalded, yeah, I was like "(beep) you!"
Yeah, I really taught it- I scalded myself
and I only got two strips in and then I gave up
and I was like, "Well, I guess this is my new look."
Looks like a pause button, but you know what?
Metaphor for my sex life now.
Puttin' this bitch on pause.
I was clever with it, I called it the Patch Adams.
'Cause when I put a clown nose on it
it made sick kids laugh, so that's why I called it that.
It was like a fun day of volunteering that I did, so.
Thank you.
I don't know what to do down there anymore.
It's like, I used to take pictures,
'cause my ex-boyfriend asked me to send naked photos,
and I was smart, I didn't put my face in it.
Mostly 'cause that's how he asked for them.
But also because, that's the smart way to do it.
But it's hard to make that picture look sexy.
You know you're just laying on a bed, you crop off your head
it just looks like a crime scene photo.
Like it's not a good look.
It was the worst, eventually he was just like,
stop sending me these headless horsewoman photos.
I don't need them in my life or my phone.
So then, I remember I got a text once that was like,
"Send (beep) pics."
At like 4:00 a.m. and I was like "Gross, no!"
But then he had a really good argument for why I should
because he was like, "Come on."
And that was it, but i was like wow,
(audience laughing)
okay, I'll fax them over promptly.
Terrible.
(sighs)
I miss sex, I'm gonna do it again someday.
I gotta get better at masturbating in the meantime.
I'm terrible at it.
I don't know what I'm doin'.
Most of the time I just find an itch and I scratch it
and I'm like, "Yes, am I done?"
Like, that felt great.
But I'm not done.
Then I just fake an orgasm by myself,
just to get it over with.
(groans) Oh God.
I don't know what to do.
I try to fantasize, I try to watch like,
I'm not into porn, but I'll try to find my porn,
like a good John Mayer clip on YouTube or something
and I put that on mute and then I-
Yeah, well I like his music, it's just for me
it's about his face, 'cause you can't sit on a voice,
so that's just how I feel about John Mayer.
'Cause then I'm like, he's a celebrity you can't have him,
it's stupid, so I try to fantasize about like,
maybe someone in my life that I'm like, oh like maybe.
Like I have a crush on this guy right now
who's totally marriage material, 'cause he's married.
That's the worst to fantasize about
'cause then I'm just touching myself
to his wife and kids dying and that's never good.
I mean, I do it in a jet-ski accident so it's kinda sexy.
Yeah, they have a lot of fun up until that bridge,
but that just bridge just comes out of nowhere
and she shouldn't have been drunk jet-skiing though,
that's kind of on her, thank you, thank you so much.
So yeah, I'm looking forward to having sex again,
but sober sex is gonna be weird,
because I'm going to be conscious for when you guys (beep).
That's always frightening.
Do you guys know that you turn into demons when you (beep)?
Are you aware of that?
Is that a thing that you were conscious of?
It scared me the first time it happened, a lot.
I did not see it coming,
'cause you're so sweet to us up until that moment,
it's just like, "Oh baby."
And then it's just like, (groans).
And we're like "Whoa! Where's Scott?
"What did you do with Scott (screams)?"
It's horrifying (chuckles).
Then it's just, you collapse on us and it gets really quiet.
And I'm like, "The beast is dead, I killed him."
But then you re-animate back into your old self.
You're like, "Hey babe.'
I'm like, "I've seen the real you, get off!"
It's so scary.
But it's what you do and it's weird when you think about it
'cause all of us, we're all here right now,
like living right now because some dude,
once went like, (groans)!
Isn't that weird?
Have you ever thought about that?
All of us, because some dude, I know.
And by some dude I mean your father.