So many parenting problems could be resolved if the children knew how to
solve problems. This video is all about teaching children the problem-solving
skills that they need to conquer a lot of their own problems so that you don't
have to handle absolutely everything.
A parent recently asked me "Nicholeen, when can my child really learn
self-government?" Because that's what I teach, is I teach people how to teach
their children and themselves self-government. And she said, "You know,
I've got this little toddler. When can I expect that they could maybe learn
problem-solving?" And I said, "Well, always." Everyone's always learning
problem-solving. I don't think we ever stop learning problem solving because
problem solving is basically just learning and understanding the law of
cause and effect. And then making choices for ourselves based off what we've
observed. In this video, we're going to talk about how the brain solves problems. And
then we're going to talk about 4 productive processes for teaching
problem-solving. Well, I feel like I just did a tongue twister there. That was
enough for. *Stutters* Yeah, that was a mouthful. Anyway. So, we're going to teach
these 4 productive processes. And I'm saying productive because sometimes we
solve problems in non-productive ways. So, everybody's solving problems all of
the time but that doesn't necessarily mean they're doing it productively. Or in
a way that's going to help them or anybody else in the situation. So, let's talk
about the brain. The brain solves problems 1 of 2 ways. It either
solves problems emotionally or it solves them logically.
The emotional part of the brain which is in the middle of the brain is the oldest
part of the brain. And that's usually the part of the brain that people have a
habit of going to first when there's an emotion. So, when a car is coming at them,
what's the first thing their brain does, it triggers fear, right? That's the first
emotion. When somebody takes something away from them but they from a person
that they weren't planning on somebody ripping that toy out of their hands,
emotionally what's the first thing that happens?
The person feels mistreated and angry. So, that's how our emotions solve our
problems. But I'm guessing if you're watching this video, you want to not get
trapped in the emotional ways to problem-solve. And that's good.
Because we're going to be talking about how to use the logic to solve problems
and how to turn off some of that emotional so that it doesn't get in our
way of making good choices. The front part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex
is not fully developed until a person is in their early 20's. So, this means that
the person needs help for a very long time. Probably less and less as it
develops in solving their problems. When you have a small child, say a baby or a
toddler, they're learning basic lessons of cause. And effect if I drop this roll
off of my highchair tray, then somebody's going to pick it up and put it back on
my tray. Or somebody's going to say, "Oops, we don't drop things." And it's going to be the
same way every time. They're learning. They're learning but their prefrontal
cortexes are so small and tiny. So, in order for a person to be really good at
solving problems, they have to learn how their brain communicates emotionally and
logically with them. And they have to choose to shut off the emotional
reaction and proactively make choices going in a logical direction. So, how does
a person do that? There are 4 productive processes that you can do
yourself and that you can teach your children to better facilitate good
problem-solving skills. The first process is memorizing key skills for success.
This key skills that we teach in our home are called the 4 basic skills.
The book that I'm most known for --Parenting: A House United talks about
these four basic skills in great detail. It also talks about other skills that
parents need if for some reason the child doesn't use these four skills
properly. And these 4 children's books each teach children the 4 basic
skills in a way that they can relate to. They rhyme, they're so much fun.
The 4 basic skills that we teach the children are following instructions,
accepting no answers, accepting consequences and disagreeing
appropriately. Each one of these 4 basic skills has a skill set attached to
it. Which means that it's not just one thing that a person thinks of. When I
think of following an instructions, I think of 5 things. I have to look at
the person, keep a calm face voice and body. Say, "Okay" or ask to disagree
appropriately. Do the task immediately and then check back. So, when someone says
to me, "You need to follow the instruction. Here's the instruction", I immediately go
look at the person, keep a calm face, poise and body. Say, "Okay" or ask to
disagree appropriately, do the task immediately and then check back. That
sort of seems like the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz, doesn't it? But anyway,
that's what goes through a person's mind really, really fast. Those skills are
liberating because they help a person break down exactly what they did right
and exactly what they did wrong so that they know where to improve the next time.
So, if my child knows all 5 of those steps to following an instruction. And
then I say, "Now, go do this instruction." And they just go, "Okay." And they walk away
to do it. I can say to them, "I'm so glad that you were willing to go and do the
instruction but you missed some steps, right?" What steps did they miss? They
looked at me but they did not keep a calm face voice and body. And they did
not say, "Okay" or ask to disagree appropriately. They rolled their eyes,
they said, "'kay". And then they turned to go and do it. I
would actually have to correct to that because they didn't do all the
skills properly and it's showing that their condition of heart is not in the
right place. Our behaviors and what we choose to do with them are directly
related to our condition of heart. If I feel that my child's heart is not in the
right place and that there's some sort of a disconnection there or a lack of
unity, that I know that we have to correct the problems. A child of just
about any age can use the 4 basic skills. Obviously, they're easier to learn
when you're a little bit older. And when I took foster children into my home, it
took them 1 day to master all 4 of those 4 basic skills because they
were all between the ages of 12 and 18 when they came to stay with us for
treatment care. But even my children when they have been just tiny even younger
than 2 have been able to master all of these skills. I recently went to a home
because sometimes I do that I go on home visits to people's houses and teach them
how to implement self-government in their homes and families. I recently went
to a home and they had a 2-year-old son. He was barely 2. And he was able to
learn all 4 of the 4 basic skills. There is nothing cuter than hearing a
2-year-old say "May I disagwee, appwopwietwi? (May I disagree appropriately?")
And then, the parents say
yes. And then for the child to say, "I know you don't want me to have a duty but I
want one." It's so cute. And it shows so much self-control. It's amazing to me how
in our society and even here on YouTube, we make these videos making fun of our
children's bad behaviors. We almost congratulate each other for how attitude
and sassy our little children can be when in reality it is so much cuter when
a child decides to have self-control and know how to communicate with others. So,
any age child can use these 4 basic skills and they are one of the key
productive processes to learning to problem-solve better. The
second productive processing tool that we use with our family is something
called SODAS. And I don't mean like a drink. But it's an acronym that stands
for Situations, Options, Disadvantages, Advantages, Solution. This is a
problem-solving exercise that we write down to help us see what we aren't
seeing. It's really hard to stop a troubling behavior if you keep seeing
the situation the same every single time. There are always things that are not
seen. We have to try to see those. So, when we do a SODAS exercise, the parent
provides a situation. The situation ends right before a decision is going to be
made. So, what parent may say something like,
"Mom, said no TV watching." But I really want to watch TV. They haven't made a
decision yet but they know how they feel and they know what they should and
shouldn't do so then what are the options?
Well, there's multiple options. There's not just should I watch it or shouldn't
I watch it? But there's what else could I do? Can I call a friend? Could I
disagree appropriately with mom about it? And there's disadvantages and advantages
for each of those options that we pick. So, often a child only sees the
disadvantage to making the right choice and the advantages to making the wrong
choice. Which is why they get stuck in a cycle of making the same wrong choices
again and again and again. Who am I kidding? It's not just the
children that don't see all of the disadvantages advantages and the
additional options that they could choose. We all do it. And that's because
we aren't taking time to deliberately analyze the situation better.
That's what SODAS exercises helps us do. Number 3, good correcting. If a person
is going to learn how to problem-solve well, they have to be okay with being
corrected. Which means you have to have a
correction style that happens in your home that feels safe and productive.
That's why I call it a productive process. Correcting is just another
teaching moment. It doesn't mean anybody's been bad, per
se. They might have made a bad choice. But that's just something that needs to be
talked about. We need to point them in the right direction. There needs to be a
feeling of love and acceptance during this correction. But there needs to be
clear messages of what happened and where they need to be going. When we
correct children, we have a certain process that we go through that focus
heavily on describing and proactively teaching instead of reacting emotionally
to children. This is where parents usually start ruining the correction
process. So, a bad correction is one that just involves the emotions of the person
making the correction or even the emotions of both people involved in that
interaction. A good correction is one that brings light on the situation and
where everyone can see the truth and feel more liberated and united because
of the experience. Number 4, productive pre-teaching. These productive processes
are not even possible without the process of pre-teaching. Which means that
the parents need to teach their children ahead of time. These are the skills that
we are going to use as a family. And this is why. Because we want to learn
self-government over ourselves. We want to have a greater bond and love and
connection in our family. We want to become the best versions of ourselves. So,
these are the skills we're going to use. And when things don't go right, these are the
skills we're going to use to help ourselves get back on the same track.
These are the negative consequences that will be used every single time. I'm not
going to make them up to try to hurt you or get some emotional reaction out of you.
Because that would be manipulation. Instead, I'm going to decide we are going to
use extra chores every time for these situations because work is the antidote
for a sick character. That's what we use in our home is extra chores a lot.
Especially because a person has to choose to do those things. That's another
important part of problem-solving, is recognizing that the choice is always up
to you. If we're going to raise good problem solvers, we've got to prepare
them. We've got to teach them the skills that they need. And we've got to give
them the empowerment to make the right choices. When the whole family is making
deliberate decisions together for how they want to communicate and solve the
family's problems, you're going to have less power struggles. But that doesn't
mean that you're going to be completely prepared to handle every power struggle
yet. There's another video that you really should watch next and it's called
"How to avoid power struggles with your child?" I know you're going to like that. It's
going to add to what we've done here. So, go ahead and go to that next video.