'Take him to the alter, I'm tired of waiting, I want this done tonight.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Let’s just get this over with okay’
Ring of Darkness was directed by David DeCocteau of Creepozoids
– please subscribe to check out our review –
a TV movie in the frankly underserved sub-genre of Boyband horror
#horrible generic boyband pop#
and I do mean horror.
We open with the attempted escape of the band’s lead singer, but
'Where do you think you're going?'
His band mates have other ideas.
‘What are you going to do, Gordo? Go solo?’#
and when he can’t be talked around.
So perishes Gordo McSteel. Seriously.
The rest of the band...
‘Xavier Doorsberg, B. J. Bannion, Jake Slater and Kyle West’
Feels like they lost their imagination after B. J. Bannion.
The rest of the band pretend Gordo has gone into rehab.
‘You can beat this thing buddy, you can.’
and in a show of solidarity.
‘The band will conduct a nationwide talent search for the replacement.’
We believe in you Gordo, but maybe not that much.
Now, for a band as big as Take 10, this talent search is going to be epic,
'give it up for Take 10'
Look at the tens of people who have shown up.
Queuing up for his shot at stardom is Shawn, who was talked into it by girlfriend Stacy.
‘Okay so you know what kind my music is and this isn’t it’
Don’t worry honey, your music sucks too).
Point is; Shawn doesn’t want to be here.
‘Under previous experiences he wrote real music’
Here’s the thing, and I know it’s early for here’s the thing, Old ‘real music’ Shawn is obviously our hero,
#Closing but still to far away#
Partly because the band keep eating people,
but also he’s authentic against their manufactured pop.
‘This is a vintage fender acoustic man’
I have to believe there was a way to have that character not be a dick about it.
And I say that as someone who is not a fan of this music.
#But I am just a simple man#
Isn’t that the same video as earlier with a different song.
Back to the audition.
‘He’s the one, he’s our 3rd pick’
Shocking.
Adrienne Barbeau there as the band’s manager.
‘I have impeccable taste’
Escape from New York was a long time ago.
The three finalists head to the band’s private island and the audition continues.
‘So how’d you end up here?’
‘Girlfriend made me do it. You’
‘Girlfriend’
Yes, this nationwide search ended with two people who don’t even want the gig.
But there’s more to Jonah than meets the eye, he’s an undercover reporter with no internal monologue.
‘Where might you be going on a night like this?’
and he quickly finds the band’s beach cave hideout.
‘Looks like I’ve found Take 10’s private toy box’
Better record that little nugget in case I forget it.
‘Well, well, not as squeaky clean as we thought, are you?’
I don’t think this guy knows what a dictaphone is for.
‘Jonah…’
Things go bad for Jonah.
Feels like he only had the Dictaphone so he could drop it.
Back to the music.
#I wonder why I'm chasing into dreams#
That’s three songs they’ve used the same video for.
Meanwhile, Shawn is deliberately tanking his audition.
‘Maybe you want to join your buddy Jonah on the next flight out of here’
'Yeah, you’d like that wouldn’t you’
If you’re going to threaten me then I might start trying.
He’s actually making me root for the cannibal boyband,
I don’t like their music either but you came to this island on their dime with the understanding you would audition
and all you’ve done is take the piss, so ditch the rockier than thou attitude and show some basic courtesy.
‘He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to join the group’
You’d think.
Understandably the band picks Max but his audition takes kind of a weird turn, as they tie him to a table and strip.
‘Lie still, you won’t feel a thing’
Troubling. But it’s part of a ritual.
‘Let our voices become one’ ‘Let our voices become one’
That would explain why they all sound the same.
Despite this Max enjoys his new life, hitting on a groupie, but… #
‘What are you all doing here?’
‘Wanted to see how you do in a band friendly situation’
All part of the audition.
‘Yeah, we’re going to have to teach little Max here the concept of sharing.’
We only have one groupie.
‘This involves you’
Remember the choreography? five, six, seven, eight...
This shocking reveal means the groupie must die.
Is Max still onboard?
It’s so hard to find someone who can sing, dance and is willing to turn a blind eye to his undead bandmates eating people.
Now Shawn stumbles on Take 10’s secret,
In various guises they’ve been in bands for 50 years.
And the fact that no one has noticed really speaks to their level of success.
Shawn also finds Jonah’s Dictaphone.
#Looks like I found Take 10s toybox.#
‘Jonah?’
He’s not in there. Finally…
and it’s Shawn’s turn on the table.
How can he escape?
‘Stop it, let him go’
Stacy to the rescue.
‘My half-brother, Gordo McSteel, you know him don't you.’
So she pushed Shawn to audition so she could come here and confront 5 people with that famously easy to reload weapon, the crossbow.
But while she has their attention, Shawn has got free.
Way to save your girlfriend mate.
'I hate boybands man.'
‘Are you going to kill me too?’
‘I need you now Alex’
I’m seeking representation.
'Making his live concert debut, Shawn Walker.'
But that’s not all he wants...
'looks like you need a touch up.'
and they lived necrophilically ever after.
Shawn obviously wins the Dark Corners every damn movie we review award for obnoxious heroes
but almost as big a problem is the stunning lack of irony.
‘God, I hate this cheap make up’
They can’t even go for a walk in the woods without it looking like a music video.
Not one of their music videos, they look like this,
#You gonna show me what you do, show me what its all about.#
#Because you're so hot to the touch#
but still there’s no suggestion anyone looked at the premise Undead boyband and said
"maybe we should shoot for tongue in cheek"
Which I actually think is a missed opportunity.
#You know you're looking so fine.#
Thanks for watching. For less po-faced undead shenanigans check out my books,
there’s a link in the description below.
What bands have clearly made some sort of deal with supernatural forces?
Let us know in the comments below.
'I want us out of here now.'