Hi there, this is Clay Andrews the world's leading Break-Up expert for high achievers and today
I'm going to be answering a question of How To Get Your Ex Back when she is dating someone
else.
All right so let's go ahead and get into it.
The first thing you need to know about when your ex is dating somebody else you want to
get her back and save that relationship is that you definitely do not want to you know
go out there and try to attack the other person your ex rebound right.
You don't want to do it for a couple different reasons mostly because it's just going to
paint you in a bad light.
Right.
Makes you look like a petty person to be you know going out there bad mouthing her new
boyfriend or what have you.
It's not going to help you in the long run.
And really when you kind of understand some of the psychological effects that I'm going
to be talking about later on this video you understand that you really don't have to worry
about the other person.
It's kind of a problem that just sort of like takes care of itself right.
So I know it's a little bit counterintuitive but really first things first and that is
that you do not need to you know attack or destroy or set lasers on vaporize towards
this other person that she is dating or in a relationship with her or whatever.
OK.
Second thing for you to know is that the most important thing for you to do right now in
order to get her back is to know if it's not to attack this or the person is to focus solely
and exclusively on the connection between you and her.
Right.
That is all you have to do.
All you have to do is focus on having a good positive series of interactions between you
and her and eventually everything else will just take care of itself.
OK.
Again don't attack the other person just focus solely on the quality of the connections between
you and her and yes that is the most important thing that you can do to the exclusion of
everything else.
It doesn't matter if you have some sort of like magic text message or or anything like
that.
As long as you are having things you know having good positive interactions with the
two of you are building a positive emotional connection a good emotional connection then
that is when things are going to be moving in the right direction.
OK.
So why is this why don't you have to you know go out of your way to like a club the other
guy over the head with a baseball bat or something like that.
What is going on.
So we're going to be talking about the decoys strategy and this is based on a book written
by Dan Ariely called Predictably Irrational.
And what you need to know is I'm going to kind of try and bypass some of the boring
backstory here and what Dan Ariely proved in his book was that people actually are more
have a very difficult time discerning two very different things right.
So you know how this relates to you and your acts and the rebound relationship is like
OK is your ex going to decide between you or the person they're in a rebound with.
It's really hard to tell because the two of you you know you and their rebound they're
very different people.
Right.
It's hard to decide you know is this person better or is my ex better.
Like which one is better.
Right.
Assuming like you and your ex's rebound are like identical twins or something in which
case get in touch with me that would be an interesting thing to learn about.
But yes.
So your ex is going to have a very difficult time discerning between which one of you is
better just because you are very different people so what you're going to do is leverage
what Dan Ariely refers to as the decoy effect in order to get your acts to choose to be
with you.
OK.
And so what you're going to do is how the decoy effect works rather is you're going
to create a third option right.
So there's your ex's rebound.
There's the you that your ex broke up with.
And then there's a third option which is going to we're going to get to in a minute which
is going to be a new and improved version of you who has worked on the advanced relational
skills that we talk about in the newsletter and in the other videos in the program and
all that stuff right.
So what you want to do is work on those advanced relational skills work on being able to connect
with your acts in a better way.
That's where that whole part comes in about you know focusing on the quality of the connection
between you and your ex okay because that is the most important thing that you can possibly
focus on because that's just going to highlight the difference between the you that she broke
up with and the you that you currently are displaying to her.
Right.
And so what Dan area Ellie showed in his research with his students is that when you know number
one it is very difficult for the human mind or your ex-girlfriends mind to to differentiate
between their rebound and you.
Right.
But if you're giving them a third option you that's easy to interact with that's that has
all of these gels that we've been talking about et cetera.
It's much easier for them to choose between the two that they broke up with versus the
you that they're currently seeing that that has all the relational skills down that's
easy to connect with.
That's easy to bond with.
That's easy to connect emotionally with.
It's more attractive all of that stuff right.
It's so much easier.
It's obvious that they're going to choose the new version of you as being better at
the version of you that they broke up with pretty obvious right.
But what's interesting is that Dan Ariely also discovered that because human beings
can really only compare things that are similar they'll often choose the better version of
of know two similar things at the exclusion of even like a third thing.
Right.
So your ex is unlikely to actually choose to be with their rebound if you can display
to them that you are better than the person that they broke up with.
Right.
The version of you that they broke up with.
Right.
So that's kind of the core strategy here.
Again you do not need to you know actively work at breaking up your Axe's rebound relationship.
You don't have to work at destroying the other guy.
All that matters is that you have a better quality connection a better quality of interaction
between you and her so that you can overshadow the person that she broke up with the old
version of you.
Right.
And because of the decoyed that she is much more likely to choose to be with you as opposed
to the rebound guy.
Right.
So that is kind of how that works.
And just to kind of you know close this up I just want to leave you with a little thing
to think about and that's that a lot of times guys whose ex girlfriend is going into a rebound
relationship or something they often think like oh you know I can't you know try and
get her back after I respect the new relationship I have to back off and let her have this new
relationship it's the right thing to do.
It's the honorable thing to do.
Just bow out.
Let her have this new relationship.
But I want to let you know that that is not necessarily true at all.
You know if you truly believe that you and her are better off together than she is with
this new rebound person then I think you really kind of almost owe it to her to try to get
back together with her to give her that option of having that great relationship that you
envision with her and all the future wonderful things that you would be doing together.
However if you don't believe that you know you'd be able to give her a good life and
a good experience and a good connection and all that for whatever reason you know maybe
you have some limiting beliefs to work on but besides that you know you just aren't
a great person to be around in general or have no aspirations on changing that.
No aspirations on improving the way that you know you interact with her etc. then maybe
it is worth bowing out but if you are willing to do this relationship right.
If you're going to put in the work to change the dynamic between how the two of you relate
then.
No it is not at all wrong for you to go after that relationship.
It's not at all wrong for you to try to get back together with her.
OK so just as a recap one Do not worry about the other relationship will take care of itself.
Focus solely on the quality of the connection between you and her and the decoy effect that
we talked about will kind of take care of all of the extra stuff for her.
But again the most important thing you can do is focus on the advanced relational skills.
OK and if you'd like to learn more about that please head on over to relationship.
Inner Game dot com.
There's going to be a link below this video in the description box you can just click
on that.
Or you know use those fingers of yours to type in relationship in game dom in your browser
window and you can just sign up for our newsletter there and you will start sending you actionable
advice and tips on how you can start to get back together with your ex girlfriend even
if she is in a rebound relationship and start working on those advanced relational skills
so that you can leverage the decoy effect to your advantage and get back together.
Speaker 209:05Okay so I'll see you over there.