There's this guy named john, he lives with his girlfriend in the countryside.
john is sick of living in the same place, he wants to move to a bigger city with better
opportunities.
there's only very few people around his current location and no opportunities whatsoever.
The problem is, he needs to bring up the idea to his partner, especially that john is aware
that his girlfriend's favorite place to live is a less noisy area.
john at last, chose to compromise, swallowed his dreams in his heart.
and kept silent about it.
he's afraid if he did initiate that crucial conversation, he'd loose his partner.
We're all prone to these types of circumstances.
For instance, your boss is not doing his job right and since everyone around knows he's
unable to control his temper.
You chose not to correct the guy, you have no clue how to handle a crucial conversation
so you decide to remain silent.
Or another one could be: You've impregnated your girlfriend, and now
you have to admit what you did to your parents but hey, that's a very sensitive topic to
bring up to the table.
Instead, you choose to quit school, work at a part time job so you could secretly feed
your kid just so you don't face the torment of your parents.
These are situations where a crucial conversation is inevitable to move things forward.
And almost, everytime people choose one of these two alternatives
Either A: they avoid the confrontation, terrified of what the outcome might be.
or, they face the fear, bring up the sensitive topic but handle the conversation poorly resulting
in disastrous outcomes.
So for you to stop screwing things up, you better learn how to handle crucial conversations
unless you want to avoid them for the rest of your life.
Let's say, your girlfriend got addicted to alcohol, she's drinking every single night
and her behavior began affecting the relationship.
Now going up to her and forcing your opinion on her isn't going to fix anything
She'll probably start yelling if you that, you begin to yell back and both end up ruining
the relationship.
Instead, here's what you should do:
Before striking up a crucial conversation, ask yourself these questions:
What do i want for myself ? what do i want for others ?
and what do i want for the relationship?
these questions will clarify your intention behind starting the conversation in the first
place.
Are you walking up to the person just to yell at him?
or is it because you want to solve a problem to further improve the relationship?
The first principle here is to "start with heart".
Did you find out that your girlfriend did a big mistake?
instead of dashing toward her like a violant tornado.
Take a step back, ask yourself what do i want for the relationship ?
This question illustrates a clear purpose in your mind to the reason behind addressing
the other person in the first place.
Keep in mind that you're there to solve a problem, not to cause further chaos.
In crucial conversations, people tend to feel unsafe.
Signs that people feel unsafe include remaining silent, taking things personally or withdrawing
to avoid confrontation.
So it's really important for you to learn how to coax the other person so they'd feel
at ease while talking about sensitive topics.
To achieve this you need learn how to establish a "pool of shared meaning"
The second you initiate the conversation, say:
"hey let's imagine a pool floating in the middle while we talk"
"in this pool each of us will be throwing all of his opinions"
"Without getting frowned upon,judged or criticized"
"each opinion thrown into the pool, will be acknowledged and examined for credibility"
"After sharing our thoughts and analizying every single one of them objectively"
"We get to make a final decision based on what was thrown into the pool"
This technique is called: the pool of shared meaning.
It can do wonders if you apply this into your relationships.
In crucial conversations, both parties tend to believe that he or she is right and that
the other person must compromise.
So it's important to give up on your selfishness,
And establish a "pool of shared meaning" the second you enter the conversation.
Tell the other person to share his thoughts into the pool without fear of judgement or
criticizm.
Make it clear that this isn't a win-loose situation.
But rather a means to find a shared solution
A solution that will surely benefit both parties.
In most crucial discussions, people don't want to share their opinion because they fear
that others will judge them.
Establishing a pool of shared meaning will make the other person feel safe and more willing
to share.
The pool of shared meaning is just a beginning.
Once the pool established, what comes next is the most important.
Recall that a pool of shared meaning isn't a technique to use so you can manipulate others
to thinking that you're the right one.
When you establish the pool, you have to be genuinely interested in finding a win-win
solution that will benefit both of you guys.
And to be able to find that kind of solution, you have to create a mutual purpose between
you and the other person.
The authors refered to four skills that will help you achieve that.
These four skills form the acronym "CRIB"
The "C" stands for: Commit to seek mutual purposes.
It's pretty rare that people seek out mutual purposes while conversing, because both sides
think they are right.
If you find out that the conversation isn't going anywhere, and that you're just adding
further fuel to the fire.
Suggest that both of you should completely give up the idea that they are right.
Thereby help each other to find a mutually beneficial resolution.
An example for this is to say: "hey, i feel like we're both trying to force
our point of view here"
"how about we stop for a second, and think up a third alternative that benefits both
sides"
The "R" goes for: Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.
for instance, you bought tickets to a noisy festival but
your girlfriend wants to stay home.
instead of laching on to your own purpose, start questionting the other person.
the magical word is "why"
Ask your girlfriend why is she pushing so hard to stay indoors.
She responds: "I don't like to go to a festival"
Keep asking why until you find out a clear reason.
"oh i see ,you want to stay home because it's calmer."
Now that you know the reasons, you can make up a mutual purpose by saying:
"You want somewhere calm right?"
"i just want to go out."
"In this case, let's go to the park, it isn't that noisy there"
"i get to breath some fresh air, while you get to be calm, it's win-win"
Now she'll be happy to say yes.
Remember, give up on your own purposes, then question the other person for their reasons.
The moment you form a clear understanding to why they want what they want.
You can then align your need to the their need therefore create a mutual purpose that
will satisfy both sides.
There can be more complex circumtances.
Where even after questioning for their reasons, it's still not enough to create a Mutual Purpose.
This is what the "I" stands for : if you're unable to create a mutual purpose, invent
one.
To be able to invent a mutual purpose, you have to convince the other person that this
invented purpose will serve as a long-term purpose.
For example, Your business partner is procrastinating on his work.
If you come up to him and say, "hey dude, why are you being so lazy"
His answer would be "well, i just don't feel like it, i want chill back and relax"
So in this this situation, asking why won't help.
Instead, remind the person of a long-term goal.
say: "hey man, project yourself into the future.
10 years from now, do you see our business as prosperous or did it fail? because you
aren't getting the job properly done"
Reminding the other person of a long-term goal, is a great way to invent a mutual purpose.
Another case would be, your girlfriend is ruining her health with alcohol and cigarettes?
Perhaps you could tell her to envision her self with cancer in her future life.
People often get caught up in the pleasures of the moment, thereby forget about the impact
of instant gratification on there future lives.
Long-term purposes serve better at convincing people because they are strong motivators.
Lastely B: brainstorm new strategies:
Now that you've created a mutual purpose, you can start brainstorming to come up new
ways of thinking that serves both of parties equally.
Imagine you're working at a company, it's a pretty good job, you love it.
But one day, you find out that your boss isn't doing his job well.
and it's affecting everyone including the percentage of the benefits.
Now someone has to build up the courage and confront the boss to correct his behavior.
None of your collegues were willing to do it but hey, since you learned about how to
establish a pool of shared meaning, you're good to go right?.
So you go to your boss and strike up that crucial discussion.
The idea of sharing thoughts into the pool was welcomed by him.
But, after throwing in your own opinions
You could sense that his emotions got a little bit heated and his eyebrows contracted with
anger.
However, you decide to ignore his reactions and keep pushing.
Next thing you know, you're homeless.
The idea here is, The pool of shared meaning technique works like a charm.
But sometimes, people are shocked to hear one of your opinions.
other times they misinterpret your intentions even though you've established a pool of shared
meaning.
In this case, you have to learn how to deviate these misinterpretations so the person would
get back to solving the core problem.
There's an effective tool for this known as Contrasting.
Contrasting consists of two parts.
the don't part, and the do part.
the don't part is about fixing the misinterpretation.
an example is to say: "hey boss, the last thing that i wanted to do was to make fun
of you"
this will negate any bad intentions.
The do part is: to praise the other person's self esteem.
say: "in fact, i think that your efforts are enormous and immensely appreciated"
Contrasting will fix other people's misundertanding of your opinions so you're both able to get
back to solving the main problem.
Just remember, everytime the other person is to digress from resolving the problem and
turn reactive, angry or emotional.
It just means that they felt unsafe, that their self-image is on the line.
Use contrasting to restore safety, to deviate their attention back on the main issue.
As a recap, i'll summarize all the main points in way that's easier to internalize.
-In crucial conversations, the first thing you'd want to keep in mind is mental preperation.
Before entering the danger zone, ask yourself what do i want for myself? for the other person?
and for the relationship?
-Second, as soon as you start talking, make sure to establish a pool of shared meaning.
tell the other person to talk freely, that no one will be judged or shamed while running
the conversation.
this creates safety.
When people feel safe, they are more liable to share.
-Third, use the "CRIB" Skills to handle the conversation.
Both sides must contribute and help each other to analyze every opinion thrown into the pool
of shared meaning.
You do this by asking the other person for his reasons thereby create a mutual purpose,
a win-win solution.
-If asking why doesn't work, remind the other person of a long-term purpose because it serves
as a strong motivator.
-While talking, the person might get angry or take things personally.
If this happens, use contrasting to relieve any bad intentions.
Follow up by praising the person's self esteem and show respect for them so they're able
to calm down again, and focus back on resolving the main problem.
Lastly, after inventing or creating a mutual purpose, start brainstorming new ideas, new
ways of thinking to come up with a win-win solution satisfying both sides.
And this is essentially, the right strategy to go about handling, Crucial Conversations.