(upbeat hip hop music)
(audience clapping)
- I had sex, for the very first time,
pretty recently, what?
It was shocking, right?
I know.
And you have son bearing hips on a Renaissance body,
I get it.
Pick yer jaws up off the floor, people.
It was recently.
People were not lining up.
To take this down.
(audience laughing)
I was tryin' (laughing) so hard,
I was tryin' so hard.
(laughing)
No one wanted it.
Oh, for so long.
(audience laughing)
But, yeah, lifted the floodgates on 26 years
worth of backed up cum.
(giggles)
It was a mess.
(audience laughing)
He drown.
He's dead now.
(audience laughing)
No, I'm just kidding.
I didn't come, obviously.
- Nice.
- So how long have you been on Tinder?
- I'll get some more wine, sure.
- I...
I'm.
That's a good idea.
(sexy reggae music)
(clearing throat)
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
(nervously giggling)
- Cheers.
(giggles)
- So, what's it like in Nepal?
- Oh, it's fine.
Yeah.
When we were kids we used to play at the foot
of Mount Everest.
- Really?
- No.
- Oh.
- Are you,
are you kidding?
- No.
- You can't do that.
- Oh, I didn't.
I'm not really familiar with Nepalian, recreations.
- I'm Nepali.
- Mmm.
- You know, you Americans are so--
(giggles)
- Well, bedroom's this way.
Cat back there, so.
Finish your wine, and find me in there.
- Bl-Ow.
- Little music, set the mood.
- Okay.
(upbeat R&B music)
- Word, word, word.
- Oh.
(grunting)
- Oh yeah.
It's for you.
- Thank you.
You're a fluid body.
(mumbles)
- Just shut up for a moment.
- Oh, you're telling me to shut up is,
sort of disrespectful thing.
(shushing)
Shush is fine, but now that I know (mumbling).
Oooh, that's on my bedspread.
Just clean this.
(giggling)
You're really flickin' 'em.
- You'll see later.
- Oh!
There he is.
Not a socks guy, huh?
Okay.
This is a lot.
Crazy suggestion.
You think maybe we could just,
like, skip all this,
and just sort of like get right into it?
- Oh.
You want it, huh?
- Sure.
- Damn that's naughty.
Okay, take those socks off first, though,
that's gross.
If you give me like 10 minutes, I can fuck you
like that again.
- Oh, that's okay.
You're probably tired, huh?
Let's just call you an Uber, okay?
- So did you just call me for sex?
- Yeah.
- Knew it, wow.
(giggles) That's bold, yeah.
- Thank you.
Ah, your Uber's here.
- Right.
- Kay, so, thank you for being here.
- Sure, last call for booty call.
- (Laughing) Kay.
- Am I gonna see you again?
- No.
- I'ma take that as a yes.
- [Kate] It's, it's a no.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
Yep, did it.
Not a virgin anymore.
Not great.
How do you know if you came?
I walk a lot.
Just around, this is a good segway, right guys?
(laughing)
Are you ready to move on, I am.
Who cares about that last joke,
this has nothin' to do with it.
(audience laughing)
Well, I walk a lot, and I almost got
hit by a car today.
(giggling)
A Bentley.
(giggling)
Next time, right?
(laughing)
Ooh, so close.
I even slowed down, I was like, are ya sure?
You don't wanna go?
You have the right of way.
It's not even a crosswalk.
(laughing)
Go!
Come on.
(laughing)
I'll just lay down, I'll make it easy for ya.
(giggling)
Well, didn't work out, but,
I do, I take the train too, and the bus
and whatnot.
It's the only place where I feel pretty,
is on the bus.
(audience laughing)
I am a Metro eight.
(laughing)
I know (giggling).
You're laughing cause you're like, "I see it!"
I know!
(audience laughing)
I see it too!
I see people see it all the time.
We know, we all know.
(blowing nose)
(sobbing)
(blowing nose)
(sobbing)
Are you okay?
(sobbing)
Don't do it.
Yep, there it is.
Nope.
We should go over here.
(sobbing)
- I can still see you.
- I like public transportation, I do.
You learn a lot.
A woman leaned over to me the other day,
and she said, "Excuse me, I really like your
"perfume, but you don't need it.
"Men prefer your natural smell."
(audience laughing)
So just dab your hand on your pussy,
put it on the back of your neck,
and let the wind do the work!
Waft it away.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
And then six gladiators came
and carried her away like the queen she was.
It was very nice.
(audience laughing)
Very wonderful show of things.
I wish I was tough, alright, you okay?
First and foremost, I wish I was,
and every time I watch Kill Bill,
I'm like, well if she can do it, why can't I?
(audience laughing)
I used to work at this really shitty cafe,
and my boss used to go around and say,
"Shenanigans" all the time,
"That's Shenanigans!"
And if you're a grown man who says shenanigans
more than four times a day, then,
you touched a kid.
(audience laughing)
I don't make the,
come on?
Shenanigans.
"You're special shenanigans."
(audience laughing)
Anyway, I wish I was tougher,
because they used to be so mean to me there, you know?
- Oh my god.
Oh.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Oh my god!
What kind is this?
- It's chocolate chip.
- Thanks, I'll think about it.
- And the one day I was at work, and it was early,
and this woman came in.
Hi how are you?
- Can I get a muffin please?
- Sure, what kind of muffin would you like?
- What kind do you have?
- Welp, we have bran--
- Do you have blueberry?
- Yep.
- That one.
- K, would you like it for here or to go?
- What?
- Would you like it for here or would--
- To go!
- I was like, okay.
I didn't say it like that.
I was just like, sure, yeah, (lightly screeching).
And, (laughing).
- I'm double parked, so can you, like--
- What was that?
- I said I'm double parked, can you just
hurry it up?
(French cafe music)
- Fuck you, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Goddam it.
- Did you hear me?
Hello?
(snapping)
- So I get the tongs,
and put 'em on the muffin,
and I look at her,
and she's not lookin' at me,
she's lookin' down,
and I put the muffin
and the tongs in the bag,
and I thought, all those times
that I've been kicked around,
you know?
(audience giggling)
And I just fuckin' crushed it.
(audience laughing)
It felt so good.
(crazy laughing)
But it didn't end there.
No, no, no, no.
I lifted 'em up,
stabbed the bag,
until there was nothin' left,
there was no blueberry left, whole.
Scattered.
It was dust, it was dust!
(audience giggling)
(laughing maniacally)
Revenge is so sweet,
and then I took a napkin,
and I put it on top of the muffin.
And I rolled the bag back up.
And then I slid it across the counter.
Here's your muffin.
- Thank you.
You know what,
I'm so sorry, it's just been
one of those weeks, where like, you know,
nothing goes right.
My dad...
He just died.
And my husband, he wants to leave me.
And I'm like, I have three kids.
(sobbing and hyperventilating)
- Please take more.
- No, I'm just gonna go, I'm so sorry.
- No, no please take this muffin,
oh please, no.
God...
Shit!
(harp music)
- Hi kids I adopted, not because I'm barren,
but because I've always felt the urge
to help humanity in this way.
I brought you guys a muffin to share.
- [Kid] Thank you, Mommy!
- [Kid 2] Thanks Mom, we love you!
- [Kid] We're so hungry!
- [Kid 2] Wait a second, this muffin's
in a myriad pieces.
- [Kid] It looks like sand!
- What?
No, that could not be.
Let me see.
(kids whining)
(screaming)
- [Kid] Mom?
- [Kid 2] No, Mommy's dead!
Mommy's dead!
- I killed their mom.
Oh no.
- Hey, there's a day old Nutella bread in the back.
Come on.
- Okay.
(audience giggling)
I'm just seeing if anyone here I could date.
(laughing)
No.
(giggling)
Nope.
Ohhhh, comin' up empty again.
Who are you?
Yeah, you're yeah, she's right,
I'm looking at you.
(laughing)
Alright, for my next joke,
(chuckling)
for my next joke, I need to get your number.
(cheering)
(giggling)
No, it's true.
It's part of the joke.
Go ahead, yell it out.
No one cares.
No one's gonna take it down.
- [Guy] 760.
- 760.
- [Guy] 05.
- 05.
(giggling)
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
You know what's funny?
Is that I put you on the spot,
and I made you feel weird
saying no.
Welcome to being a girl.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
I'm not gonna call you.
It's no offense, or anything.
I just took the number down wrong,
cause I was shaking.
(audience laughing)
Sorry you're gonna have to miss out
on all these beautiful drunk texts (giggling).
Cause I send good ones.
(audience laughing)
Mine are so good.
I'll say sorry about everything.
I told someone I was fully happy with their
friendship the other day, in a drunk text.
Who says fully?
I fully appreciate you.
(giggling)
Does anyone else ever feel like kind of killing
themselves when someone doesn't respond
to your fucking Snapchat?
(audience laughing)
That's it.
(audience cheering and clapping)
(upbeat hip hop music)