WELCOME BACK.
LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A LIFESTYLE EXPERT AND THE FOUNDER OF A
BILLION-DOLLAR MEDIA EMPIRE.
HER NEW BOOK IS "MARTHA STEWART'S COOKIE PERFECTION."
PLEASE WELCOME, MARTHA STEWART!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TIMELY.
IT'S A BOOK EVERYBODY NEEDS RIGHT NOW
>> WE DO, WE DO.
AND WE HAVE TO MAKE COOKIES.
I JUST DID 2500 COOKIES FOR MY CHRISTMAS PARTY, WHICH YOU
DIDN'T COME TO >> Stephen: YOU HAVE NEVER
INVITED ME TO A PARTY, EVER >> WOULD YOU COME?
>> Stephen: IF YOU INVITED ME >> OKAY, NEXT YEAR
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER EVEN DECLINED AN INVITATION.
WHICH WAS HURTFUL, BECAUSE YOU'RE-- YOU ARE THE HOSTESS OF
AMERICA AND I'VE NEVER BEEN INVITED
>> I'M EMBARRASSED I CONFESSED.
>> Stephen: DID YOU INVITE DAVE?
>> DAVE NEVER COMES >> Stephen: DID YOU INVITE
HIM?
>> YES.
HE NEVER COMES.
HE'S MY NEIGHBOR.
YOU'RE NOT MY NEIGHBOR >> Stephen: WE'RE BOTH ON TV.
I'M THE NEXT CHANNEL OVER >> IT'S FOR NEIGHBORS, AND IT'S
UP IN BEDFORD AND IT'S A DRAG.
( BLEEP ) ( BLEEP ) LOOK!
OH!
I HOPE IT STAYS ON >> Stephen: NOW WE'RE HAVING
FUN.
HAVING FUN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS?
>> YEAH, WE STILL HERE UNTIL CHRISTMAS DAY, AND THEN THE NEXT
DAY WE GO AWAY >> Stephen: OH, WOW
>> Stephen: WHERE ARE YOU GOING
>> Stephen: AWAY WHAT'S THE FIRST THING WE'RE DOING HERE, MY
FRIEND?
>> BECAUSE IT IS THE HOLIDAY SEASON AND WE WANT YOU TO MAKE
DELICIOUS THINGS FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR FAMILY TO EAT
AND DRINK, THIS IS A COOKIE-- KOQUITO.
IT'S A TAKE ON A COFFEE DRINK MADE IN PUERTO RICO.
AND WE POUR INTO THE BLENDER, WE POUR-- YOU CAN DO THIS.
YOU CAN HOLD THIS >> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO DO
THIS >> ONE CAN OF CONDENSED MILK.
ONE CAN OF EVAPORATED MILK.
IT'S THE ONLY TIME OF YEAR I ACTUALLY OPEN CANS
>> Stephen: THIS LIKE AN EGGNOG?
IT IS KIND OF AN EGGNOG BUT NO EGGS.
AND COCONUT MILK.
LECHE DERKS COCOA >> Stephen: WHERE DOES THE
LIQUOR COME FROM, MY FRIEND >> RUM.
YOU CAN ADD AS MUCH RUM AS YOU LIKE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND A HALF A TEASPOON OF
CINNAMON.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
THERE IT IS >> AND THEN YOU BLEND IT.
MAKE SURE THIS IS ON TIGHT >> Stephen: DO YOU NEED TO PUT
ICE IN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH, WE COULD PUT ICE IN THE GLASS.
LOOK.
NO, NO, COFFEE, COFFEE >> Stephen: COFFEE GOES IN
HERE?
>> NO, IN THERE.
ABOUT AN INCH OF COFFEE >> Stephen: INCH OF COFFEE.
SAME THING HERE?
>> ALL OF THEM, FOR YOU, ME, THE BAND, WHATEVER YOU WANT
>> Stephen: JON DOESN'T DRINK >> HE DOESN'T?
>> Stephen: HE'S A MUCH NICER PERSON THAN I AM
>> THEN YOU GET THIS OFF >> Stephen: MAY I.
WERE YOU EVER A BARTENDER OR WAITER?
>> I COULD BE A REALLY GOOD BARTENDER
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE EVER BEEN A BARTENDER OR WAITER.
ANSWER THE QUESTION?
>> NO.
ONCE I DID TRY TO SERVE AND I CAN COFFEE AND TEA LIKE THIS.
AND I WAS SO BUSY POURING-- I WAS A CATERER, AND I WAS SO BUSY
POURING THE COFFEE THAT THIS HAND AUTOMATICALLY WENT LIKE
THAT ON THE BACK OF THE LADY'S DRESS.
VERY BAD.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
NUT MEG >> Stephen: NUT MEG.
DO YOU LIVE IN CONNECTICUT?
>> NO, I LIVE IN BEDFORD >> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW
CONNECTICUT IS THE NUT MEG STATE?
>> I DO.
BUT THEY DON'T GROW NUT MEGS IN CON.
THEY COME FROM THE CARIBBEAN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: OH!
>> IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: I'M READY TO GET MY NOG ON RIGHT NOW
>> NO WHIPPED CREAM.
NO EGGS.
IT'S REALLY GOOD, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: YES.
WHAT ELSE ARE WE WORKING ON HERE?
>> KEEKS.
THE COOKIE BOOK, COOKIES.
WREATH COOKIES.
THOSE ARE THE PRETTY WREATH COOKIES DECORATED RIGHT THERE.
AND GINGERBREADS-- I LIKE NOAH'S ARK
>> Stephen: I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT BEING A HOSTESS.
HOW DO YOU KEEP PEOPLE FROM ARGUING.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> WE ARGUE >> Stephen: YOU JIEWRG IT'S SO
MUCH FUN TO ARGUE.
I LIEB IT.
I LIKE ARGUING >> Stephen: MAYBE I WON'T GO
TO YOUR PARTIES.
THERE YOU GO.
WHAT DO WE CO?
>> NOAH'S ARK.
AND WE HAVE A LOT OF ANIMALS.
I DON'T KNOW IF POLAR BEARS WERE ON THE ORIGINAL ARK
>> Stephen: THEY HAD TO BE OR THEY WOULDN'T BE HERE NOW.
YOU UNDERSTAND-- >> THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY, BUT I
DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE >> Stephen: THERE ARE KIDS
WATCHING!
>> SO YOU'RE GOING TO-- THIS IS A NEW WAY TO DECORATE COOKIES.
IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THAN PIPING AND STUFF.
>> Stephen: JUST DIP?
>> JUST WITH YOUR FINGERTIPS.
ARE YOU ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE COOKIES
>> Stephen: IS THERE A WRONG SIDE?
>> THIS IS ROYAL ICE MADE OUT OF EGG WHITES.
NOW DRIP.
GO LIKE THIS.
GO LEAK THIS.
DRIP >> Stephen: I'M DRIPPING, I'M
DRIPPING >> THEN TURN IT OVER AND PUT IT
ON YOUR RACK >> Stephen: I DID NOT DO THAT
WELL >> UH-OH.
YOU HAVE TO SHAKE IT OFF >> Stephen: I'M A FAILURE.
I'M A FAILURE >> NO, YOU'RE NOT!
>> Stephen: ANOTHER BLUNDER BY STEPHEN COLBERT
>> OKAY, SO THAT'S-- THIS IS AN EASY WAY.
LOOK HOW PRETTY, RIGHT?
( APPLAUSE )
PUT IT DOWN SO IT DRIES DRIES.
IT'S A FIVE-POINT WAY OF DECORATING.
IT'S CALLED DIPPING-- THAT'S WHAT WE JUST DID.
THEN YOU DECORATE.
SO TAKE YOUR-- TAKE YOUR-- TAKE YOUR ICING --
>> Stephen: GOT STAY HYDRATED.
GOT TO STAY HYDRATED >> PUT THE EYE WHERE YOU THINK A
POLAR BEAR'S EYE IS.
I'M GOING TO DO A DEAR >> Stephen: I HAVE NO-- I
GUESS IT'S THERE ON THE HEAD, I ASSUME
>> YOU HAVE TO GUESS.
I'M DOING A REINDEER.
I LOVE THE REINDEER >> Stephen: I CAN MAKE HIM
HAPPY?
>> SURE, BUT HE'S NOT A CARTOON, REMEMBER
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT A CARTOON!
IT'S A COOKIE!
>> AND A NOSE.
POLAR BEARS HAVE BIG NOSES, YEAH, BIG BLACK NOSES.
THERE YOU GO.
LITTLE FEET >> Stephen: THE FEET ARE
ALREADY THERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OH, CLAWS.
SO I CAN TEAR A HARP SEAL APART
>> AND EAT HIM FOR LUNCH >> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD,
THAT'S GOOD >> AND I'M DOING THE ANTLERS
WHICH ARE SO PRETTY AND LITTLE FEET
AND A WHITE TAIL, OF COURSE, BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE WHITE TAILED
DEER ON MY PROPERTY >> Stephen: I HAVE ANOTHER
HOSTESS QUESTION FOR YOU.
CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER ONE.
HOW DO YOU HANDLE, POLITELY RESPOND WHEN YOU GET A GIFT YOU
DON'T LIKE?
>> I RE-GIFT IT >> Stephen: MARTHA THE BOOK IS
FANTASTIC.
EVERYBODY NEEDS COOKIES AT CHRISTMAS.
I THINK IT'S MY FAVORITE TREERKT KEEKS
>> MY ANTLERS ARE FALLING OFF >> Stephen: YOU'RE MOLTING
>> THEY'RE GIVING ME A HEAD ACHE.
>> Stephen: "MARTHA STEWART'S COOKIE PERFECTION" IS AVAILABLE
NOW!
AND THE WOMAN IS MARTHA STEWART.