- Are y'all feeling good?
Yeah. It's ******* diverse, yeah?
Good.
Clap if your parents are immigrants from different country.
(audience applauding and cheering)
It's tougher life, right?
You ever wish you had a white mom growing up?
(audience laughing)
Sometimes, right?
Easier chores, right?
(audience laughing)
White mom chores are like, "Hunter take out the trash."
(audience laughing)
Right? And then Hunter's like, mom, you're a *****.
(audience laughing)
You're a ****.
White mom chores are cute.
Immigrant mom chores are like, "Hey, go fix my business."
(audience laughing)
That's level one chore at my house.
Growing up I'd be like playing video game.
Mom was like, "Hey, get up and get me a passport."
I'm like, sorry guys, I can't come play outside,
I have to go take on the US government.
(audience laughing)
Immigrant moms are brutal.
One time I texted my mom, "I love you."
Her response was, "Sounds good."
(audience laughing)
One time my brother texted her, "I love you."
She wrote back LOL, okay?
(audience laughing)
This woman will never say the words I love you.
I could give her one of my kidneys.
She'd be like, "I like your vibe."
(audience laughing)
Moms in general, dramatic people.
Can we say that across the races, right?
My curfew growing up, 11:00 PM.
If I came home 11:05, she'd be like
you don't listen to me, so just kill me.
(audience laughing)
Drama.
I'm like, mom, it was five minutes.
She's like, every minute was one year off my life.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, mom, can I just go to sleep?
She's like, before you go upstairs,
take me outside the back and shoot me in head.
(audience laughing)
And what's next?
They're always like, your father and I were worried sick.
Why do moms always gotta loop
in the dad into the stress, right?
Your father and I were worried sick.
(audience laughing)
As she's saying that I can hear my dad snoring.
(audience laughing)
Worried sick! He's in full REM sleep.
(audience laughing)
Mom, dreaming about the woman he actually wanted to marry.
Okay.
(audience laughing)
I'm JK. I didn't say that.
I love my mom, but she's like, you know,
let me ask this.
Who has a mom that can aim the FaceTime correctly?
What's going on there, right?
This is my mom.
She's like, hello. Bam, right here.
I'm like, mom, it's FaceTime.
Not left tit time.
Having a full conversation with her breast.
(audience laughing)
And listen, half of me is disgusted
and half of me is like, hello old friend.
(audience laughing)
How have you been, left tit?
(audience laughing)
Staying out of trouble?
(audience laughing)
Laying low? Excuse the pun.
(audience laughing) Half of you all are laughing
and one guy in the back's like absofuckinglutely.
(audience laughing)
That's what I'm talking 'bout, yeah.
(audience laughing)
I love my mom. I love her.
Still beats me to this day.
Still spanks.
Clap it up if your parents whooped your *** growing up.
(audience applauding and cheering)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Minorities clapping.
White people, you mean like timeouts?
(audience laughing)
I was in my room a lot, does that count?
Okay, your mom whooped your ***,
but like my mom broke my spirit.
(audience laughing)
My mom whooped me every day.
I was actually born white.
(audience laughing)
All this is just bruises, okay.
(audience laughing)
And I love her. I love my mom, but she's crazy.
One time I just left my socks on the floor.
She's like, "Usama, don't leave your socks on the floor.
I never should have had you."
(audience laughing)
In one sentence, she went from socks to abortion, okay.
(audience laughing)
Do I care though? No.
'Cause my mom would whoop me
and then feed me Indian food afterwards.
(audience laughing)
Y'all know, Indian food is so good.
(audience applauding)
Indian food is so good.
It kind of undoes child abuse, right?
My mom would whoop me.
I'd be like, yo, **** you mom.
Have one bite of her chicken curry.
Be like, she never should have had me.
(audience laughing)
That's why I feel bad for white people who got beat
because their cuisine also sucks.
(audience laughing)
Right?
Can you imagine getting hit by your dad
and having green bean casserole?
(audience laughing)
One bite of green bean casserole?
You're like, dad, just molest me again.
(audience laughing)
I'm gay, okay, I love my parents, okay.
I love my mom. Love my dad.
Love my dad.
Best homophobe I know, you know.
(audience laughing)
All of our dads are homophobic a little bit, right?
And they all kind of say it the same way, right?
They're like, your friend's a little uh.
(audience laughing)
What is this?
Dad? Do you think that homosexuality is Parkinson's?
(audience laughing)
Your friend is, you know, Michael J Cox.
(audience groaning)
Old Black dudes homophobic, right?
But they're funny about it, right?
'Cause when they wanna call someone gay
they'll say everything besides the word gay.
They'll be like, your friend Jimmy,
a little loose in the shoes.
(audience laughing)
All I'm saying is the boy plays tambourine.
(audience laughing)
Are you saying he's gay?
Boy, I ain't saying ****.
(audience laughing)
But that boy likes to slip and slide.
(audience laughing)
I grew up Muslim, too.
I had Muslim leaders doing homophobic speeches, right?
But they were doing it in like deep Arabic, right?
So it was like (speaking foreign language).
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
I'm like, how are you gonna hate on gay people
while sounding like you're sucking a dick?
(audience laughing)
Right?
You can't be homophobic and be like
(speaking foreign language).
(audience laughing)
Don't tell my mom.
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
Half y'all laughing and half y'all are like,
what is going on here?
(audience laughing)
This is wild.
Listen, I love my dad. I love him, but he's like, you know
he's got the immigrant dad ********
of like the fake stories.
How much money he didn't have in his pocket
when he came to this country. ********.
(audience laughing)
Every immigrant dad,
"Usama, when I came to this country, only $5 in the pocket."
I'm like, how did you leave the airport?
(audience laughing)
Right? Terminal B to terminal E is a $10 cab ride.
(audience laughing)
One year, $5, next year, only 50 cents.
Next year, only piece of paper that said zero.
(audience laughing)
********.
Then I sell that piece of paper and I start my own business.
I'm like.
(audience laughing)
And as the money gets smaller,
the craziness of their school commute gets wilder.
(audience laughing)
One day my dad was,
"Usama, every day I run 80 miles to school."
(audience laughing)
Every day I swim across a pond.
(audience laughing)
Two of my friend die in the pond.
(audience laughing)
I pull out their carcass, I bury it that day.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, grandma, is this true?
She's like, he was homeschooled.
(audience laughing)
Don't listen to him.
He is a little, you know.
(audience laughing)
Y'all are great.
Y'all are fun.
Love my parents. Two Muslims.
I grew up Muslim.
Any other Muslims here?
- [Audience Member] Woo.
- Okay.
Okay. Two people in this room going to heaven, okay.
(audience laughing)
Sorry, I mean, rules are rules, you know.
(audience laughing)
Enjoy the show.
(audience laughing)
You infidels.
(audience laughing)
Are you still good Muslim or not?
- I'm like.
- As she holds her vodka in her hand.
(audience laughing)
You know it's a rough life out here.
(audience laughing)
I used to be good.
I was like top five probably, I was.
I was, I was praying five times a day.
I was gonna the mosque every day.
Then I had sex once and I was like, God might not be real.
(audience laughing)
Woo.
Sex was that good, I lost every Muslim value
in the four seconds I lasted, okay.
(audience laughing)
Literally as I was coming, I was Googling Buddhism.
(audience laughing)
Lot of a white guy jokes today. Are we okay, already?
Yeah. White guy's fine.
Yeah. You know, let's try this.
White dudes, clap it up, how 'bout that?
(audience members clapping)
Y'all are clapping with the correct amount
of white guilt, right?
(audience laughing)
This dude here was clapping sorry in morse code.
(audience laughing)
We assume the worst.
We assume the worst about y'all, man.
Like bro, loudly say hello.
- [Audience Member] Hello.
- We all kind of heard the N word, right?
(audience laughing)
He's smiling, but he is looking at me like
I helped you out with your joke and you're ******* me, dude.
(audience laughing)
So white people are great.
The best weed.
Watch white dudes.
You know what I'm saying?
What do y'all do more? Smoke or edibles?
Smoke, right?
Edibles can **** off, right?
No one's ever taken edibles and been like,
yeah that was the correct amount.
(audience laughing)
I'm exactly as high as I want to be, right.
(audience laughing)
Never. You take one, you don't feel ****.
So you're like, I think I'll take nine more.
(audience laughing)
And then you blink once and then you wake up in the past.
(audience laughing)
Coke. Coke is overrated.
Everyone does coke is always like (sniffing) cryptocurrency.
(audience laughing)
Molly's good.
Molly's top five.
You know why molly's so good?
Bro, I'll take it.
An hour later, I'm like, has it even kicked in?
And I look down, I am humping a trash can.
(audience laughing)
It is on. And my friend is also there.
You'd think he'd be like, bro, what are you doing?
But he's also on molly, so he is like, let me get next.
(audience laughing)
Alcohol's good.
You love alcohol, right?
(audience cheering)
Can we stop with the shots though?
No more shots.
My friends are like, let's do shots.
Shots are fun.
It's like shots are not fun.
Nothing in the world that is fun
ends with you going (gagging).
(audience laughing)
Oh, oh.
This is my friend.
I can think of one thing that sounds like that that's fun.
The male orgasm.
I'm like, if a dude coming ever sounds like (gagging).
(audience laughing)
(gagging)
That means his dick is no longer on his body.
(audience laughing)
This is my friend.
She's like, listen, taking shots is like eating *****.
You just do it.
I'm like, do you realize how offensive that would be
to the woman if I was eating her out
like I was taking shots?
I'd be like, (gagging)
oh, somebody give me a lime.
(audience laughing)
I need to put some salt on the rim.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat tones)