Let's get right into it.
Where did COVID come from? Tell us.
What the [bleep]?
How the [bleep] should I know?
What are you asking me, by the way?
I didn't do it.
We could be talking about the debt
ceiling or racist Dilbert.
But, of course, you want to pigeonhole the Asian guy
to do the COVID story.
Yes.
I'm going to pigeonhole you.
You want to know why, Ronny?
Because when I was a correspondent,
I was pigeonholed.
My hole was pigeoned constantly.
That's disgusting.
Yeah, it was.
Any time there was a subway bombing,
they went to the Muslim guy, as if I'm
on group chat with ISIS.
My most viral clip on this show was a photo of me wearing
a hijab next to Jon Stewart.
You understand?
So, yeah, the Asian guy has to cover the Asian story.
And it has to be funny, and it has to be deemed comedically
acceptable by Vulture.com.
Go.
OK, first of all, [bleep] Vulture, all right?
And second of all, why don't you talk about it?
You're the expert in lecturing us about the world
despite never having left America, right?
Aren't you Asian, too?
You talk about it.
No, no, no, no.
You said it yourself, Ronny.
You said it right here on this show
that Indians we're not real Asians.
Why don't you roll the tape?
Let's be clear, Indians are not Asians, OK?
OK?
I love how Indians try to have it both ways.
Like, being Indian and Asian.
Pick a lane.
I brought receipts, mother [bleep]..
OK, well--
Yeah.
How about you keep your receipts with your 50 Air
Jordan shoeboxes, all right?
Yeah, I said it.
You didn't have to roll the tape because I'll
say it again right now.
Indians are not Asians.
And, by the way, I'm more than just Asian, all right?
I also live in Australia.
So why don't you ask me about kangaroos?
Fine.
Ronny, tell us about kangaroos.
All right, well, I'm glad you asked.
Well, there's red giant kangaroos,
and then there's gray ones.
And the red ones can jump 10 feet high,
and they have claws and can rip your dick off
through your jeans.
No one gives a shit about kangaroos, OK?
Stop talking like an angry Snapple cap.
You don't get to decide what is on this show, Ronny.
I'm the boss.
I decide, Ronny.
I mean, what do you decide?
You're a guest host, OK?
The operative word is guest.
Guest in my house, OK?
I'm not your token Asian guy.
I'm in movies now.
I was in M3gan. - Oh.
Oh. - Yeah.
Oh.
You hear that?
Oh, you were--
you were in the movie M3gan, in theaters right now?
Hey, what was your role in M3gan?
I played a token Asian guy at a tech company,
but it was satire.
It was satire.
Oh, that's weird because I could have sworn
that I'm your boss right now because it
says my name on the desk.
It says The Daily Show with Hasan Minhaj,
which, by the way, that's my real name, Ronny Chieng.
I'm Ronny.
Ronny Chieng.
What do you mean?
Ronny is also my real name, you idiot.
It's on my birth certificate.
Or should I be like you and get a name that you
refuse to spell phonetically.
And then when everyone mispronounces it,
you cry to Ellen.
Oh, it's spelled Hasan and they called me Hassan.
I'm so oppressed.
Yeah, Yeah, fine, Ronny.
Fine.
Yeah, I expressed some emotion.
I showed some vulnerability, unlike you.
I showed some other emotion besides anger.
It's something you might not be familiar with.
Oh, no, no, no, I know all about anger.
You have a job where you can rage about evil corporations
in America.
But as soon as the NBA reaches out
about the celebrity all-star game,
you jump at the chance to score 0 points.
0 points. - Ronny.
Ronny, stop it. Come on.
Stop, stop.
Stop this.
Stop.
You [bleep] stop it right now.
We can't be fighting like this.
There's white people here.
[laughter]
How are we going to stop Asian hate if we hate each other?
Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just lashing out because I actually love The Daily Show.
And I'm scared you're going to get canceled like your Netflix
show, whatever it was called.
[laughter]
It's called Patriot.
It doesn't matter, OK?
Because despite our differences, you're right.
We do have a bigger responsibility to the Asians
and the Asians watching this.
Because when we fight, the white people win.
And we can't have that.
Exactly.
We got to bring this segment home.
So let's each say something nice about each other
and show some emotional growth.
What? Are you serious?
I'm dead serious.
[bleep].
All right.
Hasan, you're good at managing hair.
Thank you.
Your energy is not always annoying.
And, you know, I've seen you at The Daily Show
grow to become this force of nature.
And I'm actually really happy that you're hosting this week.
I think it's really good.
Shut up, everybody.
Shut up.
Thank you, Ronny.
And I just want to say, I want to take this moment
to tell you we're out of time.
Ronny Chieng, everyone.