What in the name of Erick Rowan’s beard just happened?!
I think we can say that without gimmick infring- I’m Oli Davis, click the ‘i’ above my
head to vote for your rating of the show, as I review WWE WrestleMania 34 ...in about
4 min-there’s a lot to dive into.
There’s a lot.
Let’s be on the safe side… in about 12 days.
But I’ll talk really fast.
Super John Cena Fan Actually John Cena - 5* WrestleMania had a wonderful plot device running
through the first half of the show - John Cena, lacking a scheduled match, was in the
audience as a fan.
Even for the Kickoff Show.
Now that’s dedication.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal - 1* The first match saw Woken Matt Hardy win the
Humongous Wonder No.8 Memorial Battle Royal, helped by the returning Bray Wyatt, who embraced
his new Broken Buddy afterwards.
Cedric Alexander beats Mustafa Ali - 3.5* Mustafa Ali might’ve won the night’s best
ring attire award, cosplaying as Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat, but it was Cedric Alexander
who finally overcame Vacant to win the Cruiserweight belt.
Women’s Battle Royal - 1.5* Paige here, to talk about my movie Fighting
With My Fami-I’ve seen the clip already, Paige.
Rather depressingly, she hoped on commentary she’d compete in next year’s Women’s
Battle Royal, despite reports her in-ring career is over.
Mandy Rose broke her ‘first to be eliminated from historic women’s matches’ record
[6], the NXT cameos had a cute faction run, and Bayley and Sasha’s feud continued without
either being the heel or face.
And Naomi won the match.
I almost forgot that part.
Seth Rollins beat Finn Balor & The Miz - 4* The main card opened with a very good bout
between Miz, Seth Rollins and Finn Balor - with each man getting a neat character-establishing
entrance.
Miz, now a father trying to do good, sent his Miztourage goons to the back; ooooh burn
it down, Rollins, cosplayed as a forged in ice White Walker; and Finn came out with the
local LGBT community on the ramp.
As progressive as that is, I’d still prefer Gallows and Anderson.
The three worked a rapid pace, smartly referencing moments from their feud, but it was a Rollins
Curbstomp that made Seth the new Intercontinental Champion . And with the main card’s first
match out the way - and over two hours in - the lunacy could now begin...
Charlotte beat Asuka - 4.25* After a very exciting ten minute match, just
when the action was about to shift into top gear, Charlotte beat Asuka, ending her two
year undefeated streak.
I don’t hate the streak ending.
It might even make Asuka’s character more engaging, free from the streak’s booking
burden, but there was another few minutes in this match.
Super John Cena Fan Actually Undertaker Opponent - 5*
But you can’t dwell on that for too long, because a referee just ran down to tell Cena
something!
What could that possibly be about, Michael Cole asked, like an idiot.
Because it’s quite obvious what it’s about, Cole.
The bloody Undertaker match he’s been building for two month-
Jinder Mahal beat Rusev, Bobby Roode & Randy Orton - 2.5*
Despite Rusev getting some of the loudest chants of the night, Jinder Mahal pinned him
to become the new United States Champion.
Go figure.
Fashion Files A surprise Fashion Files with Mick Fole- No,
it’s a trap.
It’s a Snickers advert.
Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey beat Triple H & Stephanie McMahon - 4.5*
Who would’ve thought it?
Ronda Rousey had the best match of the night.
Following an amazing motorcycle entrance from Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, The Authority
vs Team Olympic Medals unfolded with twists, turns, shocks, surprises, some very engaging
in-ring work and fun.
Rousey is awesomely convincing in her offence, a long way from her slow-motion Jedi blocks
on Raw, and she really threw herself into the bumps.
But the best were her facial expressions, in-ring trash talking and authentic-looking
submissions.
We even got some intergender physicality, with Ronda unloading some incredible looking
punches on Triple H. I was expecting a short, smoke and mirrors
filled 5 to 10 minute match to protect Ronda.
Instead, WWE delivered a thrillingly booked 20 minute brawl, finishing perfectly with
Rousey snapping back a brutal arm bar on Steph.
Ronda had to impress here, and she knocked it out the Superdom-
Paige here!
NOT NOW PAIGE!
Bludgeon Brothers beat New Day & The Usos - 2.5*
Because the New Day’s entrance has little people dressed up as pancakes doing the worm.
Which was like the most normal thing on the show.
Sadly, this match went just over 5 minutes to a crowd exhausted by the previous bout.
The Bludgeon Brothers beat the New Day and the Usos to become SmackDown’s new tag champs
- in a stacked card that didn’t have time for the kind of excellent match they could
undoubtedly have put on.
The Undertaker beat John Cena - 4* But then in a genuinely thrilling presentation,
Cena came out waiting for his Taker match, but was answered by Elias.
After dispatching The Drifter, though, the Undertaker’s massive dong finally hit, complete
with hokey lightning graphics!
Taker had risen from the dead for one more match, and he moved around like he’d got
five years back - throwing himself off the ring ropes, hitting old school off the top.
He only ever took one bump in a match that went just under 3 minutes, but this was incredibly
crowd pleasing.
The finish came when Cena skidded back in horror when Taker sat up from a Five Knuckle
Shuffle.
Chokeslam, Tombstone Piledriver, Undertaker won.
Cena focused so much on calling Taker out, he never seemed to plan for what would happen
when he was answered.
But, as fun as it was, it wasn’t really worth coming out of retirement for.
WWE Hall of Fame Class Of 2018 JJ Robertson got a bigger pop than Goldberg.
Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon beat Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn - 3*
Following a genuinely moving video package, Bryan entered to a roaring tide of ‘Yes’
signs and chants.
But I didn’t cry.
Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn attacked him and Shane McMahon before the bell, and took Bryan
out with a Powerbomb onto the apron.
This was a bad move, that sapped the crowd of energy, who just wanted to see Bryan compete
again.
Instead they had to watch Shane - an outnumbered, untrained, part-timer wrestler in his late
40s suffering from diverticulitis - hold his own against two, very trained, full time wrestlers
in their 30s for 10 minutes.
It was all to build Bryan’s eventual hot tag, firing up to banish the bullies from
SmackDown for… at least a couple of weeks probably.
Nia Jax beat Alexa Bliss - 2.25* Nia Jax dominated Alexa Bliss to win the Raw
Women’s Championship in a decent match, but one that went on too long.
AJ Styles beat Shinsuke Nakamura - 3.75* Having the best entrance of the night didn’t
help Shinsuke Nakamura in the end, as he lost to AJ Styles.
Despite having a really good opening exchange, feeling each other out, and several great
counter spots, this match was nowhere near its WrestleMania dream match expectations.
Instead, it was the post-match angle that exceeded them - Nakamura giving AJ a knee
to dick heel turn during their celebratory embrace.
It’s a very effective cliffhanger for SmackDown, and could be the missing spark from Nakamura’s
main roster run so far.
Braun Strowman & NICHOLAS!
Beat The Bar - 3* Next The Bar made their entrance as part of
a Mardi Gras parade float, not fitting their characters at all, and just when you thought
the night couldn’t get any weirder, Braun Strowman picked a 10 year-old boy from the
audience as his tag partner, and won the belts.
As Corey Graves pointed out: “A 10 year old kid is going to school tomorrow as a Raw
tag team champion.”
This was not what I would’ve done.
I think in several months’ time, WWE turning their top monster babyface into a kid-friendly
comedy giant will be seen as sufferin succotash levels of misjudged.
But for right now, it was rather hilarious and a reinvigorating change of pace after
the lacklustre Styles/Nakamura match.
Brock Lesnar beat Roman Reigns - 2.5* Right, phew.
It’s been a wacky WrestleMania so far.
Paige here NOT NOW PAIGE!
Asuka’s streak ended, midgets were dressed as pancakes and a child is now a Raw tag team
champion.
But here’s the good old predictable main event.
Roman Reigns is beating Brock Lesnar for the Universal title.
We’ve all known about it for a year.
Brock’s contract expires after the match and he’s off to UFC.
Guess again, dickwad!
Brock dominated the 15 minute match, while Reigns kicked out of F5 after F5.
The crowd booed, cheered for CM Punk early and even started a ‘This is Awful’ chant.
After busting Roman open hardway, it seemed the tide was about to turn, Reigns set to
hulk out and finally slay the Beast.
Only he didn’t.
Brock hit another F5 and won.
Which is crazy.
I’m still a bit lost for words.
I don’t really know how I feel about it yet.
It’s too early and bizarre to say.
It renders a year’s worth of storytelling rather pointless, but it was also incredibly
shocking and unpredictable.
I have no idea what’s happening in WWE right now, and that’s made me excited for what’s
to come.
So that was this WrestleMania 34 in however long I did it.
Vote in the poll above my head to give your rating, where you can choose from - In Awe,
Cor, AVRAWGE, Poor and Bore.
Nothing touched NXT the previous night, but damn was this an exciting WrestleMania in
terms of unpredictability.
Is that a good thing, though?
I don’t know.
I feel like I don’t know anything anym-.
Which is why I’m awarding this incredibly long, ridiculous show a Cor.
Watch mine and Luke’s review of that incredible NXT show by clicking the video to the left,
and watch Wrestling Shorts’ brand new WrestleMania cartoon by clicking the video under that.
I’ve been Oli Davis, and that was wrestling.