>> James: WELCOME BACK! OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT
STAND-UP COMEDIAN WITH A BRAND-NEW SPECIAL AND ALBUM,
"STAYCATION," AVAILABLE NOW. PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO
THE FANTASTIC, JACKIE KASHIAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) >> HI, REGGIE, JAMES, GENTLEMEN.
HELLO! STANDUP COMEDY.
HERE WE ARE, YOU GUYS. HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE. WHAT AN AMAZING SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE, YOU
GUYS. I HAVE ALWAYS -- I HAVE ALWAYS
LOOKED LIKE THIS, SOME VERSION OF THIS SINCE I WAS A TINY
CHILD, WHICH IS EITHER YOUR FAVORITE AUNT OR SOMEONE WHO IS
GOING TO CALL THE COPS FOR NO REASON.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT A REASON.
I AM ALSO A SHE-HER. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
A SHE-HER, YOU GUYS. I'VE SEEN IT DONE BETTER, I HAVE
MADE PEACE WITH IT. BUT HERE'S THE THING, THIS IS A
SHE-HER. SOME PEOPLE ARE A HE-HIM, RIGHT.
AND OTHER PEOPLE ARE A THEY-THEM.
IT'S THE GREATEST IDEA IN THE WORLD, THE THEY-THEM.
IT'S JUST PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE PEOPLE FIRST, RIGHT, BECAUSE IT
DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SEXY TIMES.
IT ISN'T FOR WHO YOU WANT TO SQUISH WITH.
RIGHT. IT'S ALL HOW YOU WANT TO BE
TREATED AS A PERSON. I'M A SHE-HER.
I LOVE A THEY-THEM FOR SO MANY REASONS.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL -- AND I WAS.
I DID NOT MIND IT, BUT I DIDN'T ALWAYS WANT TO BE A LITTLE GIRL,
RIGHT, BECAUSE THIS IS GENDER, RIGHT?
SOMETIMES I WANTED TO BE A LITTLE BOY AND SOMETIMES I
WANTED TO BE AN ADULT WOMAN. FOR TWO SOLID YEARS, I WANTED TO
BE SNOOPY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS IS ALL GENDER, RIGHT. THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO BE
TREATED. I WANTED TO BE TREATED LIKE
HUCKELBERRY FIN, ANNETTE BENING AND SNOOPY.
( LAUGHTER ) NONE OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH SEX.
I AM MARRIED TO A MAN -- WHICH IS ALWAYS A FUN REVEAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND HE IS A DELIGHT AND I LOVE HIM DEALER.
BUT MY FAVORITE THING ABILITY A THEY-THEM IS YOU CAN'T BOSS
THEM. YOU CAN'T SAY YOU CAN'T WANT
THAT, YOU HAVE TO WANT THIS YOU'RE A BOY.
I'M NOT, I'M A THEY THEM. YOU'RE A GIRL.
NO, I'M A THEY THEM, GOING TO BE WHATEVER I WANT TO BE.
IT IS THE GREATEST IDEA IN THE WORLD.
PEOPLE ARE JUST A STACK OF MEAT WITH A BRAIN ON TOP AND THEN WE
ALL HAVE DIFFERENT SAUSAGE CASINGS, RIGHT?
AND THEN WE ALL MEET THE SAUSAGE CASING.
I MEET THE SAUSAGE CASING AND THINK I WOULD NOT SLEEP WITH
THAT SAUSAGE CASING, ONLY THAT ONE.
I DON'T ENJOY THAT KIND OF SAUSAGE.
PLEASE DO NOT USE THE SAUSAGE ANALOGY FOR CANNIBALISM.
BUT I LOVE THE IDEA OF IT. THE GOLD STANDARD, OF COURSE, OF
SAUSAGE CASINGS IS YOUR STRAIGHT WHITE GUY BUT HE'S JUST A STACK
OF MEAT WITH A BRAIN ON TOP, TOO, BUT A THOUSAND YEARS AGO
YOU GUYS CALLED SHOTGUN, RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED BUT
YOU'RE, LIKE, NO WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO GET TO MAKE REGRETTABLE
DECISIONS. WE LIKE BEER.
WE WANT TO BE ON THE SUPREME COURT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE ALL LIKE BEER.
WE ALL WANT TO BE ON THE SUPREME COURT.
NO, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT GENUINELY DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO WITH SEX AT ALL. THAT'S WHO YOU WANT TO SQUISH
WITH, RIGHT? YOU CAN SQUISH WITH WHOMEVER YOU
WANT TO. BUT IF YOU'VE OPENED IT UP BY
GENDER IT'S EASIER. YOU MAY BE I'M ATTRACTED TO THE
BRAWNY PAPER TOWEL GUILE, THE SWISS MISS LADY, THE GUMMY BEAR
OR NONE OF IT. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
AND THE BIGGEST PROBLEM PEOPLE HAVE WITH IT IS THE SIN TAX.
THEY'RE FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT. THEY'RE, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO TALK TO THEM, WITH THEM, FOR THEM, ABOUT THEM.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO THEM.
YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW. IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
AND IT'S JUST PRACTICE. I SWEAR, IT WILL BE FINE.
AND, LIKE, I HAVE A NEPHEW, FOR 18 YEARS, WE CALLED THIS KID
T.J. HE TURNED 18 AND HE SAID, I
WOULD LIKE TO BE CALLED THOMAS. SO, NOW, WE'RE WORKING ON THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE COULD ALL BE TAUGHT, YOU
GUYS. THANKS A LOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> JAMES: JACKIE KASHIAN AND
"STAYCATION" EVERYONE! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.