- Hey, I'm Kelly and I like warm hugs.
(laughing)
That's why I hugged you.
- That's supposed to be my line, but go on.
- No, I wanted to steal it before you could say it.
That's who I am.
- I feel like I have competition now
and I'm not happy about it but that's okay.
(laughing)
- Well welcome to ambush Christmas.
- Thank you so much.
- Do you like Christmas as much as this?
- No I love Christmas.
So I'm the guy who,
Halloween stops and the next day I call somebody
to start putting the Christmas lights
'cause I'm incapable of climbing trees
and putting Christmas lights.
(laughing)
I will say that, I'm Jewish, you can applaud that.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
Yes!
We did it!
- We did it!
- Christmas is such a novelty for me.
My wife is Catholic.
And you know growing up,
on Christmas for us we would get Chinese food
and watch "The Goonies" for the 50th time.
- Okay well, "The Goonies" is amazing.
- It's amazing, but that's no way to celebrate Christmas.
- Maybe not.
- That's just a Wednesday night.
So I was like dying to actually
start Christmas like, immediately.
And then I made my wife go to midnight mass
because I love it so much.
I'm like can they do that stuff
where they sing again in Latin?
That's the coolest thing ever.
And like, I will drag her.
I love it so much, so I just love the holiday.
- I love it too.
It's just so happy.
It's just a happy, happy time of year.
- It is so happy.
- Well Thanksgiving is tomorrow,
do you celebrate big on that too?
I do celebrate, clearly.
(laughing)
- Clearly I do too.
Clearly I'm all in.
- I love Thanksgiving so much.
My wife has this cousin Monique who literally,
this is not an exaggeration,
she talks like this,
guys, so good to see you.
Welcome to the house, how are you?
Welcome to Thanksgiving.
- Possibly a smoker?
- Yeah, possibly a smoker,
possibly a character in "The Incredibles,"
but definitely.
(laughing)
This woman, and so she does the most insane Thanksgiving
in Washington, D.C. every year
and she basically has six turkeys.
- What?
- Yes.
Not like living turkeys.
Like, just prepared turkeys.
So she's got, a cajun turkey.
- Oh that looks good.
Oh there we go!
Oh I want it!
I want it now!
(laughing)
And so we go there and we have this meal
and it's like that scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
that melts your face when you just see
this smorgasbord of food out there.
Yes, yes!
- I'm the same way.
As long as there has to be gravy
on the table or I'm leaving.
- Always gravy.
- [Kelly] Yeah.
- You need to put the gravy on the stuffing,
stuffing on the turkey,
all of it in my mouth.
- In one magical bite.
(applause)
What did your daughters think of "Frozen 2?"
They've seen it obviously, right?
- They saw it.
They absolutely freaked out.
Loved it.
- Aw!
You're like the coolest dad ever to them!
- No, usually they're not fans of me.
(laughing)
With this movie when they saw this, my oldest one looks
at me through like gritted teeth and she goes,
"When can I see it again?
(laughing)
"I liked it more than the first one."
I'm like thanks,
I didn't ask you for your review but thank you.
(laughing)
- The kids will give you their review.
- Kids will give you their review.
- Yes they will.
- Like what was the alternative?
Mm, hated that one.
(laughing)
Is there still time to re-record, daddy?
- Can you fix that?
- Can you fix that scene?
- My mom does that with this show.
- The Samantha joke didn't track for me.
(laughing)
- My mother does that this show,
"Maybe you should put your chair in the middle."
(laughing)
Mom, there's a reason why we did it this way.
I love her, she's great.
I actually ruined "Frozen" for my daughter.
So when I did "UglyDolls,"
it's an animated film,
I was like yeah, you know,
like Mommy's the voice of Moxy
like you know how Elsa, the real singer,
and I started telling her.
As I'm saying it, I just saw--
- It's trauma.
- I killed Christmas.
I killed everything in her heart.
- I really believe that, yes you did.
(laughing)
- I know!
- I really believe that if you,
'cause I get stopped on the street all the time
and loving parents come up to me and they're like,
"I told him who you are."
And I'm like, I am a 38 year old man.
I don't know what you told him
but they're like, "Do the Olaf thing."
You can really only do it for kids who are over ten.
If you're Mickey Mouse,
if you're the voice of Mickey Mouse,
and you've got like a thick beard,
and you put a three year old in front of him
and you're like, hey, Jim over here is Mickey Mouse!
Then you see Jim be like, give me a second,
hi, how are ya kids?
- Oh my God, that was so good!
- Yeah.
Hey, what are you up to?
I gotta get back, my wife is waiting for me in the car.
(laughing)
Like, no.
Don't do this to your children.
- I know, I messed up!
- I know, it's all right.
- Do your kids like when you do the Olaf voice, though?
- They hate it.
(laughing)
- I love you!
- They hate it because the Olaf voice is the,
this is the voice.
Right, so, I tried for a while reading them "Frozen" books
and I thought it was so cool,
even though I do a horrible Ana and Elsa,
but they were just over it.
They didn't want it anymore.
So I started reading the "Harry Potter" books
at their school.
So every Friday I go in--
- You do that?
- I read, I read all of book one last year to the kids.
I read all of book two,
but spoiler alert,
guess which two children refused to come to the readings?
(lips smacking)
- It's cause you're the dad, yeah.
- So I will be sitting in front of like a group 40 children,
all their friends,
and they'll like walk in with their bookbags
and be like, "Hey dad, ya good?
"All right, we're just gonna go play back there."
I'm like, I'm, wait.
This was for bonding.
- This was for bonding!
Where are you?
- I'm not getting paid for this.
(laughing)
- But that's gotta be amazing for them.
That would be amazing.
- It would, you would think.
- No, I mean the other kids as well.
To have you come and do that, that's amazing.
- Oh, it's great.
And they pay me under the table, so it makes it all right.
Those kids pay me under the table.
(laughing)
- In like Skittles.
- No, hard cash.
- Yeah, hard cash.
- Hard cash.
- And, I'll take your lunch money.
- And I'll take your lunch money.
(laughing)
- So I've also heard, you've protected,
I think it's called,
it's a parenting technique you call the toe tap?
- Mm, mm, mm!
- Share with the class, I need help.
- All right, so.
Very dangerous.
How many of you have children?
Okay, wow.
Okay.
The rest of you, get goin'.
Whenever you're ready.
(laughing)
- Or enjoy your freedom.
(laughing)
So it's very dangerous as you all know
to approach a child head on
when they're crying or screaming.
If you come at them with your hands
you can get a broken finger,
you can get slapped in the face,
you can get punched,
maybe it's just my children who are violent.
(laughing)
But the key I found is that the foot
is the furthest object on your body away
from your face and it's also very strong.
So, if you--
- Oh, you're doing the toe tap!
- That's my toe.
So the toe tap is the--
(laughing)
(crying)
- It's so creepy, it's great.
(laughing)
It's like so creepy.
- I love just the soft sound of
(mock crying)
Just the anger and pain and resentment.
- First of all my kids are like,
(screams)
they project.
- Oh, oh yeah.
Do they do the fake cry?
My five year old has perfected the fake cry
- Yes.
- My daughter literally will like look at me
and she will have the tears just falling down--
- My daughter, too.
- And I'm like, you're lying.
She's like.
(laughing)
- Yeah.
Oh my God, that's mine too!
- So manipulative.
- Yes, and I don't have time.
- I don't have time either.
I don't know why I'm also doing the southern accent.
(laughing)
- Do your kids get special treatment
when they go to Disneyland?
- Yes.
Which is not good because when I go
to Disney people wanna stop me,
which I'm totally fine with.
When I'm with my kids it's harder.
So we get a guide, and they're lovely,
and they get us on the rides fairly quick.
I can feel the audience turning
against me right now as I speak.
- I'm gonna be real with y'all,
I worked really hard to get where I am
and I'm very happy about the lines.
(laughing)
I'm just gonna be real. - Yes!
Yes, Amen, Amen!
- I never use my name.
I never use my name for anything
but you bet your bottom dollar I'm like,
yep I'll get right the head of that line.
(laughing)
- So we do this,
but I don't know if you've noticed this or not,
but my kids take it for granted a little bit.
So I force them occasionally to go to Disneyland
with no guide,
with no me because I also
did my waiting in lines growing up--
- Amen.
- And so, I'm like, you guys are gonna go.
You're gonna experience it without a guide.
My oldest one is seeing my youngest one.
The young one is just kicking a wall.
Kicking a wall.
She's standing in line kicking a wall.
(laughing)
And the old one looks at her,
and she's so practical and she goes,
"Can't you just, I don't know,
"can't you just be in the moment?
"Enjoy the moment. Imagine yourself having fun."
And she looks at her without missing a beat and she goes,
"I am imagining myself having fun.
"I'm imagining my foot going through this wall
"and I'm on the ride right now."
(laughing)