-Thank you, thank you. I'm happy to be here.
Thank you.
[ Cheering ] Uh...
[ Cheering continues ]
I don't like the movie "Home Alone."
I get why some people do, man.
'Cause some people, "Home Alone" is ridiculous comedy.
They laugh at it like it's nonsensical.
"Ha ha ha! Who would ever leave a child unattended?
"Ha ha ha ha ha!
Who would ever leave an 8-year-old boy home alone?"
Uh, my dad. He did it all the time.
[ Laughter ]
The first time I watched "Home Alone," I was home alone.
[ Laughter ]
I was praying for my life.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Because of that, I had to be raised with my grandparents,
and, like, the only thing I regret
about being raised by old people is every now and then I'll say
something an old woman would say.
[ Laughter ] Like, this is a conversation
I had with my roommate. He was in the kitchen.
I walked in. I'm like, "Hey, man, what you doing?"
He was like, "Washing dishes."
I was like, "Not with cold water, you ain't."
Like that's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's something that came out of my mouth to another adult.
I grew up in the hood, but I'm not a thug.
Not for lack of trying.
[ Laughter ]
It's just that whenever I try to sound gangster,
my vernacular always discredits me.
I'll give you guys an example. I was at a house party.
These dudes were trying to start a fight with me and my homies.
And the most intimidating thing I could think about saying
was this -- I walked up on 'em all aggressive.
Like, "Hey, dawg, it'd behoove you
to get to steppin', brother."
[ Laughter ]
"Come out here with that rigma-roo." [ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
Oh, man. I got beat up that night, rightfully so.
[ Laughter ]
You don't say "behoove" in the hood.
You can't be a thug like, "Hey, dawg,
bequeath me my pistol." It doesn't work.
[ Laughter ]
Where I'm from, there's different rules.
Like, where I'm from, it's rude to correct somebody
if you know what they meant.
We all know these petty people, right?
You say, like, "Hey, man, I'll see you tomorrow."
"You mean today? It's after midnight."
"Like, shut up and die. You know what I meant."
[ Laughs ]
This happened to me the other day.
I was at the duck pond minding my business.
[ Laughter ]
Yes, I go to the duck pond.
I told y'all, I was raised with my grandparents.
Going to the duck pond is like going to the club
for old people.
[ Laughter ]
So I was at the duck pond sitting under a willow tree
playing chess by myself.
[ Laughter ]
This guy overheard my conversation.
He waited till I got off the phone to jump in and correct me.
He was like, "Excuse me, sir, I think you meant to say geese."
I was like, "What?"
He was like, "Yeah, geese. More than one goose --
they're actually called geese."
I was like, "Oh, what did I call 'em?"
He was like, "You called them goosesses."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "Come on, man, you know what I mean. Goosesses."
I was upset not only that he corrected me.
I was upset that, like, he sounded offended,
like I had somehow misgendered a goose, you know what I mean?
He made me feel like a drunk redneck at a duck pond
screaming racial obscenities.
Like... [ Country accent ] "Look at all these goosesses!
Hey, you! Yeah, you! Go back to Gooseica!"
[ Normal voice ] Like that. That's how he made me feel, man.
And I'm not like that. I don't like to offend people.
I try my best not to. Sometimes we can't avoid it.
I was on a flight and this lady had her baby with her.
And during our conversation I asked her --
I was like, "Hey, what's your daughter's name?"
And she got upset because it was a little boy.
And I tried my best to apologize to her,
but she wouldn't accept my apology.
She was like, "Well, it's obvious he's a little boy.
He's wearing blue. Boys wear blue."
And the best thing about this conversation is she had on
a blue cardigan.
[ Laughter ]
So I was like, "Well, you know what?
"You're right, sir, I apologize."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"No, for real. Man to man, dude to dude, my bad.
I didn't mean... I didn't mean to ruin this father/son moment."
[ Laughter ]
The name of that joke is "Gender is a social construct."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm following my dreams. I don't recommend it. Uh...
[ Laughter ]
It's hard, man. I do comedy full-time, which means
I have to get, like, part-time jobs,
like mainly at, like, fast food restaurants.
And I hate working at fast food restaurants
'cause I feel like a monster, right?
I feel like I'm harming the American public, right?
I have to lie every time I serve food.
I have to tell people, have a nice day,
knowing they're going to have explosive diarrhea
immediately after.
[ Laughter ]
It's the devil's work.
[ Laughter ]
And the only reason I can justify working
at a fast food restaurant, it's the easiest job to get.
It's so easy to get a fast food job,
you could mess up your interview by being too professional.
I learned that the hard way. I had a interview,
and I handed the guy my résumé. He got scared and jumped back,
like, "Whoa, hold on, man, what's that?"
[ Laughter ] "I was like, "It's my résumé."
He was like, "Oh, I thought you was
serving me court papers, dawg."
[ Laughter ]
"I thought that was a subpoena."
I'm Kiry Shabazz. You all have been great. thank you.
♪♪♪♪
-I like your "Home Alone." That was a great joke.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Kiry Shabazz!
[ Cheers and applause ]