♪♪
Well, it's been two weeks, and we're just going
to hit the ground running.
Right before the break, I played a southern lawyer pretty well,
and we showed a picture of a lawyer in a bolo tie.
And many of you reached out and said a bolo tie
would be more accurate for a western
or a southwestern lawyer.
A bow tie would have been more appropriate
for a southern lawyer.
And I do believe it was southern lawyers who
were upset about this because most of the comments began,
"I take umbrage!"
The amount...of umbrage.
Oh, so, obviously, we all know that Mike Lindell
got his cell phone seized at Hardy's.
And so in yesterday's Closer Look,
we basically said, "What's next? Is he going to get
his camera seized at Carl's Jr.?"
Hardee's and Carl's Jr., they have the same ownership.
Minnesota only has a Hardee's.
There wouldn't be a Carl's Jr. there.
And the bummer about this is...
And it bothers me. And you saw it. You heard it,
Shoemaker. We -- I have a producer
on A Closer Look, Emily.
She has a great attention to detail.
And I heard her tell Sal we're going to hear
from the jackals about this if you put it in.
But, Sal, he just couldn't care less.
I mean, he couldn't care less because Sal, who does --
by the way, does a great job with A Closer Look.
I have no complaints about his effort,
but when he turns it in, he checks out.
I mean, he slaps it -- he just slaps it on the desk,
walks out of the building, gets in his car service,
goes right to the marina, gets in his boat.
[ Laughter ]
The Hotel Salifornia, he takes it down.
Takes it downtown, meets all his Wall Street buddies
as they're getting -- like, they walk out of the trading floor
and Sal's just waiting there, like Wolf of Wall Street.
Leo DiCaprio.
Big, big -- He's got a wrap-around steps
on his, like, boat.
And he's like, "Hey, gentlemen."
And they're like, "Sally, did you fight the plutocracy today?"
And he's like, "[Laughs] They're paying my bills, fellas."
[ Laughter ]
We showed this
and we referred to it as Jigsaw from the movie "Saw."
This is Billy the Puppet from the movie "Saw,"
not the killer, Jigsaw.
This is a photo of Jigsaw.
[ Laughter ]
Also this, I referred to this as a quarter moon.
It's a waning -- you can call it a waning or a crescent.
Sorry, a waning or a waxing crescent moon.
You can, of course, also call it
the last thing you see
as the life is being choked out of you.
[ Laughter ]
I did an impression of a 19th-century dandy
choosing a Charleston Chew as his treat.
And they said you couldn't --
that wouldn't happen because the Charleston Chew
wasn't invented until the 20th century, in 1925.
But bear with me. What if you were
a 19th century dandy in England,
and as a child, you know, you would get excited
about candy, sweets.
And then, you know, life takes you in a different path.
You take a steamship to America, try to make your way there.
You're older now, but still, you're in your youth.
You were a dandy. And now it's 1925,
and there's been a breakthrough in the confectionery...
industries, and you're presented with a Charleston Chew.
Isn't it possible, like the film "Ratatouille," as you oft
reference, Shoemaker.
That that moment of seeing it would bring you back
to your 19th century?
You'd be like, "Whoo-hoo! [Laughs]"
[ Laughter ]
Use your imagination -- sometimes --
We can a lot of the work here, but we'd love
if you could use your imagination for a little bit.
[ Laughter ]
I mimed someone doing -- giving --
doing CPR and giving mouth to mouth.
I was told you don't do mouth to mouth during CPR anymore,
just compressions.
So thanks, cancel culture.
[ Laughter ]
That brings me to this point.
Someone wrote they did not care for Corrections.
[ Laughter ]
They had multiple comments about it, which meant
they didn't care for it and stuck it out.
At one point, they wrote, "There are five people
in the audience. Wow. All that wokeness is paying off,
huh, Seth?"
[ Laughter ]
Look, you can feel how you want to feel about Corrections,
but the idea that we want it to be full
and can only get five people because it's too woke?
[ Laughter ]
Uh, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
And we showed this photo of a gopher.
And then a couple of minutes later we said --
we basically said a fellow was trying to catch a gopher,
and then the gopher stole his beer,
and we showed a photo of this.
And someone said. "Hey, not to be the person
who knows a bunch about animals, but that might very well
be a gopher, but that's definitely a woodchuck."
So here's what happened. Okay?
You know, we write A Closer Look and then, you know,
obviously, these jokes go in,
and then we reach out to our talent booker
and we're like, "We need a gopher."
And so we bring in this gopher, and he comes in, crushes it.
He was great. Did exactly what we needed him to do.
And then we're like,
"Alright, now you got to hold the beer."
And he was like, "Oh.
Like, I'm a Mormon." And we were like, "What?"
[ Laughter ]
And we were like, "It's not even full of beer."
And he's like, "Yeah, but I got kids and, you know..."
We were like, "Oh, no. Obviously, we respect that."
And so, we were like, "We're going to obviously
have to bring somebody else in."
And he's like, "[ Sighs ]
Are you going to have to use them for the first picture?
Because I told a lot of people I was going to be on tonight."
[ Laughter ]
And we're like, "No, we can still use you
for the first picture because it's not like some psychopath
is going to be watching and be like, 'Uh.'"
This guy, on the other hand, came in and kept drinking them.
[ Laughter ]
It was not a good scene.
[ Laughter ]
When John and Jim were hauling him out.
"Look out for his teeth!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
The whole rest of the week, every time...
[ Laughter ]
Every time I walked into the office,
I can't do it. [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Someone said, "I missed when Amber was there
during Corrections because I loved hearing her laugh."
Oh, she's still here.
[ Laughter ]
Someone wrote, "I'm a foreign viewer,
and this whole time, I thought the Mets and the Jets
were the same thing."
[ Laughter ]
They're very different, but the usage is similar.
Like, if you're ever visiting New York and you say
"Mets, amiright?"
Works the same with Jets.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, so during last week's Correction, at one point
I said, "Hey, can you..." Oh.
There was a sound effect, and I wanted there to be
lightning and then the thunder --
the thunder sound effect, excuse me.
And then after it played, I said, "They wouldn't play
the lightning sound effect."
And a lot of you guys said, "Well, there wouldn't be --
You mean thunder sound effect?
There's no lightning sound effect."
And what happened was I did want a thunder sound effect,
but I accidentally said lightning.
Not then, earlier in the day, I said to Alex,
"Hey, will you play me a lightning sound effect?"
And he said, "Sure thing."
And then it happened and there was no sound effect.
And then I went to him and said, "Why no sound effect?"
And he said, "You asked for a lightning sound effect.
And there isn't one."
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, "So you thought I wanted nothing?"
[ Laughter ]
And he just stared at me.
[ Laughter ]
They yell, "Go easy on him!" [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
We talked about when you see like ye old curiosity shoppe,
you shouldn't say "ye," you should say "the" old,
because there was a letter back in the day called a thorn,
and it was close to a "Y,"
and the thorn was the sound "Th."
When you say "Y-E" in "ye," it's actually "T-H-E, the."
and many of you pointed out that if "Y" is pronounced "Th,"
that means that Kanye's new name isn't Ye, but The.
Which is, of course, short for The Antisemitic.
[ Laughter ]
[Autotuned] ♪ Why you got to be so heartless? ♪
[ Laughter ]
I'm taken aback at how well that worked.
[ Laughter ]
One week, you're getting no thunder sound effect.
Mike Nesmith's mom, from The Monkeys, did not --
I said she invented WiteOut.
She invented Liquid Paper.
WiteOut was invented by a woman named Barbara Dolans.
[ Laughter ]
[Autotuned] ♪ Cheer up, sleepy -- ♪ [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God. Oh.
Well. [ Whoops ] Hold on.
So this is pretty cool.
Uh...
Someone sent in -- alright, hold on.
How I am going to do this and not give it away?
Alright, so, someone sent to our new P.O. Box a note
that said, "For a while, it seemed like Wally
Was getting all the fan art." Which was true.
We've shown a fair amount of Wally fan art.
"I didn't want there to be a weird monopoly
where there was this gold sitting right there."
With this whole run up, I thought it was going to be
fan art -- me fan art. Right?
Because there's been too much, Wally, and you know,
it is my show. And, but it was --
Look at the Scollins fan art.
[ Laughter ]
T.J.. Thank you, T.J., for doing this.
He also said, "Also, I mocked up an actual sleeveless shirt
if the merch store runs out of Jackal mugs."
So I'm wondering if this is -- you would get
this printed on a tank top.
I think that would be pretty cool.
But then I should know there's a --
This is wonderful, and I hope Pim,
I think, is the name of the artist for this,
from Thailand sent this painting of me.
How great is that?
And I'm really -- I'm really touched by this.
And it got a very -- a very lovely compliment.
I brought this home and I showed my wife
and she said the sweetest thing.
She said, "You should keep that at the office."
[ Laughter ]
Guess she sees enough of my mug. [ Laughs ]
And then you guys, I mean, we have talked about this,
but we have our P.O. Box and we --
it's just there's a lot of --
we are getting a lot of postcards.
And as I told you, that is a legal problem
because this is --
look at this, this stack alone,
that's just Europe.
I mean, it's amazing, what we're getting.
This is so -- Look at that.
You know, that's Washington Square Park.
[ Laughter ]
The Loch Ness monster. That's so exciting. Malta?!
Are you kidding me, Malta? They're coming in from all over.
But like I said, there's a problem,
because I guess I should not have said
we're going to do a postcard drawing because of that.
Due to the legal rules --
According to legal department, that is a problematic thing,
and we might be in the jackpot, so to speak.
But then I talked to the legal team, who are not kind people,
and also I try not to call them because every time I do,
they bill me. But I said, "Well, wait,
hold on. I have an idea. Because, you know, the thing is,
all I said was, like, send them in and then I'm going to do
a postcard drawing."
And then I realized maybe there is a way out of this.
Maybe legally, I could just do --
I could just do this.
I could just like -- what if I did a drawing of a postcard?
[ Laughter ]
We'll see. But again, you have to --
Here's the thing that I really want to stress.
You got to stop sending postcards
because it's a problem for me. It's legal exposure.
So just forget You ever heard P.O. Box 4748,
New York, New York, 10185.
Because it has not been good for me.
[ Laughter ]
Go easy on John, though.
[ Bleep ].
[ Laughter ]
You guys, I am really happy to be back with you,
and I really do hope that you all see me next week.