This is a new series that we're trying
here where
I actually read a question from someone
who has written
in to The Marriage Foundation. I'm Paul
Friedman and I founded The Marriage
Foundation
and I read word for word so that way you
get a real
sense, and it's not just getting a key
word or a key phrase
but you get a real sense of how to see
this
and how to address it. So let me read
this one to you
and these are
many many years old so no one could
possibly
be embarrassed and I'm still going to
change the name so let's say it's from
Joan.
"I only knew my husband six
weeks before we got married.
It's been two and a half years now
and I almost feel like a stranger to him.
He is not a loving or affectionate
person
not even when we are intimate.
I've had a drug problem in my past
and it has resurfaced two years ago
till the present. I'm going to classes
and a counselor to get over my problem.
Every day my husband points out my
problem
and talks about it and criticizes me.
I feel like he needs to be more
supportive,
loving and affectionate and I would be
happier and stronger and be able to stay
recovered.
I feel starved for love
and attention." Now I'm really glad
that this is very old so
she's not going to hear what I have to
say
but, and I'm sure the counselor
when she wrote in to the counselor and
you could write in. Go
to themarriagefoundation.org
and there's an Ask a Counselor tab.
You should also subscribe to this
channel. So I'm sure the counselor was
very nice
to her at the same time
candid but I'm going to give you
perspective here that she would not have
gotten from the counselor.
And tell you what
substances intoxicants do to the mind
but I'm also going to tell you
why people begin using substances
in the first place. I think you'll find
that very interesting.
This is not talked about in western
psychological
circles and I've trained hundreds
of western psychologists and
when I share this with them of course
they agree because it's just common
sense.
So why don't I start with that rather
than have you just hanging?
There's only one ultimate
goal that we have as human beings. Well
there's two.
Happiness but the more
important one is find
the expression of unconditional love. We
have to
experience love
because we are souls. We're human beings
so that makes us souls
who own a mind and own
a body. And that love that we have to
feel no one teaches
us how to experience it. So
we are running around like
hungry puppies looking for food
and unless we find love
we're still looking around.
And because we live in a world that
doesn't
offer truth and thus
good solutions to things
most people are not happy.
Most people are frustrated and most
people are seeking
love and not even knowing that's what
they're seeking.
So the world is very material
we're taught to seek prosperity,
nice cars, nice clothes, all of that
and we're taught that we need love kind
of sort of
but we're not taught how to have love.
So it makes us all ripe
for trying stupid things.
Some people get into intense exercise,
other people get into intense hobbies.
Some people become movie aficionados.
There are so many ways to distract
ourselves
because we're not being fulfilled
very few are fortunate enough to find
true love
which is amazing and ironic
because that love is already within us
but that's another topic.
So, what has happened to her as an
individual to Joan
is that she, years ago
was so frustrated with
deep despair at not experiencing love.
So she wanted to change her
consciousness
to block out this desperation
she had. That is the norm
for people who use drugs and alcohol.
Alcohol is the same.
And then it becomes a descending cycle
because
the physiological
effect on the mind
is to decrease by literally
killing brain cells and changing
how the electronics work.
It makes us less and less
able
to pull together our willpower
and seek love in the right way
even if we knew how. So her problem
started with not feeling love,
next step, "I can't take it.
I'll get drunk. I'll get stoned. I'll use
these drugs and I won't notice so much,"
and then the inevitable agony
of not having found anything
and not being able to escape any longer
because the effects of the drugs not
enough.
Initially it is but then it starts to
lose
its effect in that way.
So she's in tough shape and you could
say, it's not her fault
even though she has free will she didn't
have to do that
but she chose to do that, and I don't
personally blame her for that.
Who knows what her environment was
growing up
and now she's trying to take
responsibility
but there's still that part of her
that's reaching out for love in the form
of, "my husband doesn't...
he's not supportive loving and
affectionate."
She's craving this.
I don't blame her husband. He's
frustrated.
We're not taught these things. So
for him it's like, "Hey, what's wrong with
you?
Get a grip."
Both of them are lost in the desert
blaming each other for not having
brought the water.
They're both desperately seeking love
because if he had the love, he would be
giving it to her
but he doesn't know it either. He got
married to her
so she would love him.
You see, this is the problem. We all seek
love from the outside
when the secret of love, see, it's not
really a secret but it is in our world,
is that we don't produce love. So as we
give love,
we are filled with that love and that is
how we experience it.
So this is the dilemma, what is important
to you
is to recognize that there's two
things you want in your marriage,
love and happiness.
And you need to learn how
not from anything in the world but I
have done the research in the study
and I present how. You could read my
books. You could get a course for men or
a course for women.
Here's the good news. The good news is
when you
learn how
to basically change your thinking and
become aware
of these things and get tools. I created
some tools.
It changes everything in your life
and you're happy all the time.
You're fulfilled with love and literally
joy
and that happiness grows every single
day
and the love expands every single day.
It's an
amazing thing marriage but we have to
learn it.
All we really can do because we know if
we write back
to Joan and tell her these things goes
right over her head.
It's really hard to get someone's
attention
when they've gone down this path. They
have to hit
bottom pretty hard and then
have really good karma to come across
something that gets their attention that
gets them doing
the right thing in the right way. They
can be saved.
We all get saved eventually
maybe not in this lifetime but
eventually because
we're souls. We're part of God, eventually
you go home to him/her.
In the meantime, all we do
at The Marriage Foundation is we pray
for people like that.
Prayer is powerful and it helps, and
that's what we do.
I hope this was of value to you. Let me
know.
Leave a message. Like the video if you
think
it has value and stay in touch with us
by subscribing.
So thank you for spending time with me.
I'm Paul Friedman. I founded The Marriage
Foundation
and I hope that we can help you in some
way too.
God bless and take care!