- Part of our truth is, is embracing all
of that like gross murky stuff that we've all got, you know?
Beyonce's got it.
You know, Madonna's got it.
All these people that we think have got it all sussed,
Barack Obama, he's got it, everybody's got it.
All of these little bad, weird idiosyncrasies
whatever it is, we just got to stop pushing it all away.
(upbeat music)
- So fun Fearne, thanks so much for joining us
for an Audible sessions interview.
You have a brand new book coming out called
Speak Your Truth which is super exciting.
So I wondered if you could start
by explaining what you wanted to say with the book,
what you wanted to convey with it.
- This book was really a chance to talk about experiences
I've had where I've slowed down words
or not said what I'm really thinking.
A lot of the time that's no because I want to try
and make everybody happy around me.
So I'm like, yes, I'll do this, yes, I'll do that.
And then I'm drained or at worst become resentful
when I have to go and then do said activity or favor.
And I think I just wanted to help other people
realize they can also have the permission
to either, whether it's say no,
or whatever their weaknesses is with being honest.
So that might be just not speaking at all when you want to
and feeling quite trapped in situations
or maybe not even saying it
but just knowing what that truth is for you.
I think so often we forget because
we're just discombobulated by outside noise constantly,
other people's opinions of us,
other people's opinions of the world.
And we forget what that truth is, who we really
believe we are underneath all the stories we tell ourselves
and the labels we give ourselves
and the dynamics that we're in relationships.
We forget what we really believe and really think.
So it's kind of two things.
It's rooting back to what our truth is.
And also then getting the courage
to say some of that stuff out loud.
- And how do you go about trying to figure out or
come back to what your truth is?
- Well I think there's lots of different ways you can do it.
There's one example I give in the book
which for me involves going back to childhood
and thinking about what I was like as a kid.
And like most kids, you know,
if you've had a good stable or, you know,
grounded upbringing will be to seek joy,
to have fun, to you know, express how you're feeling.
Kids don't care if they shout and scream about stuff
they're not happy about.
Kids don't care if they're ridiculously excited
about something in a crowd of people.
They're just going with the emotions.
And I think then we get kind of socially conditioned
and start to, you know, trample those feelings
and we forget to express it.
And I think as an adult, we forget about a lot of that.
Especially if you have a lot of responsibilities
if you're a parent, a carer, you have a job
that's really all-consuming.
You park all of that joy and all of those wonderful,
fun things, or hobbies that just make you feel
really in the moment.
So that for me certainly is one
but the other way that is obviously universally used
the world over is getting really quiet
whether that is with, you know, the more sort
of classic sort of meditation or yoga practices.
It could be going out walking,
doing something where you just stop
that constant mental rumination.
And usually if we give ourselves enough space
and silence to just get rid of all that, we kind of know.
I don't necessarily think it always forms
in like a clear sentence.
This is my truth, but it's a feeling that we'll get.
And it's an understanding that is omnipresent, but again
it just gets piled up with stuff from responsibilities
and stories we create around ourselves.
- And do you think this topic is at all gendered?
Like do you think that women, for instance
might need more encouragement to not shrink parts
of themselves and to really live their truth?
- I think not always, but probably yes.
We're one of the first couple of generations
that have had the opportunity as women to do both,
to be mothers, wives and breadwinners
or workers or career women.
You know, my Nan certainly didn't have that option.
It was, there was so much more conforming to be done
because the judgment was even more so then.
So I do think we're still coming out of that
and trying to figure out how we do all of this
and how we stay sane.
But there is a lot of pressure I think
on modern-day women to do it all and be the best
and to look amazing and to have a voice.
And it's just exhausting.
And I think we need to all give ourselves a break, big time
because it's unrealistic.
- Yeah, and when you think about all of those pressures
and trying to, if you aim for perfection in all of those
then it's no wonder you kind of lose a bit
who you are because that's a lot of energy to try
and attain those standards that you know,
society has kind of put there.
- There's this huge pressure
like we're talking about now to be perfect.
This horrible perfectionism that we're all meant
to be aspiring to, and I'm not gonna completely
blame social media 'cause I really enjoy using it.
But we all know that some of that comes from social media
and seeing these tiny snapshots of lives that look perfect
and shiny and amazing and like everyone's coping
and like everyone is well and we, and that's not the truth.
And we know that, but on a subconscious
or subterranean level it still goes in
and we think we're failing.
And what I had sought, which I guess I still do this
to some extent if I'm gonna be really honest
if we talk about truth, I still often try
and cover up what I deem is like, my gross bits.
So my gross bits which are when I'm lazy,
and I cut corners, when I've gossiped about someone
when I probably shouldn't have
when I've eaten some food that probably didn't make me
feel great when I've not bothered to do any exercise
when I've been, you know, naggy at my kids
or snappy with my husband, like all these little bits
which we've all got, there's nothing wrong with these bits.
I try and sort of suppress them with this like
exterior thing of perfection.
Like, oh no, no, everything's fine.
My house, look how neat my house is looking
and look at my desk, it's all so neat and tidy.
I must be coping really well.
And I'm just pushing these gross bits down.
We're all gonna have days, months, eras
where we don't feel great.
And if we stop allowing ourselves from feeling that stuff
and from experiencing the other side of life
which is integral for us to grow and learn
and get resilience and have empathy and compassion
we're not a full human, we're living this like
weird fantasy human experience.
I think we need to embrace all of it, the good bits,
the ugly bits, the bad bits, and be really honest
about all that so that our friends or family go,
oh god, that's how I was feeling as well.
Oh god, well I do that, don't worry about it.
You know, we need that connection.
So that is also part of our truth is, is embracing all
of that like gross murky stuff that we've all got, you know
Beyonce's got it.
You know, Madonna's got it.
All these people that we think have got it all sussed,
Barack Obama, he's got it.
Everybody's got it.
All of these little bad, weird idiosyncrasies
whatever it is, we just got to stop pushing it all away
and just like let it up when it comes up and go with it.
You know, I think that's such a big part of it.
- And there's also stuff that sort of
about career and ambition and things in this book as well.
And one of the things you say is about picking kind of
the scarier unknown truth over maybe habit
which I think is really important.
And I think particularly now when we're all so used
to being at home, it's even easier to pick habit.
But I wonder how you sort of balance those things
which are really brilliant and to help yourself grow
with kind of comfort and that kind of safe,
like that space where you feel really safe.
- I'm really interested in looking at when
you've put yourself in a comfortable place because you know
that you need nurturing and to be kind to yourself
versus totally retreating from life.
I don't think there's anything wrong with retreating
from life because sometimes we really need to.
But I think, you know when you've gone in
and you've stopped putting yourself out there at all,
and again this is a very bespoke thing.
Who am I to tell anybody what their own balance is
but I know for me, there are certain things still
when it might not be in the future
but at the moment there are certain situations
I could put myself in where it will trigger a panic attack.
And I don't really want that at the moment.
So I don't put myself in those places at the moment.
Down the line I might, I started doing EMDR therapy
last year which I'm finding really helpful.
Maybe that's gonna be one of the things that will get me
to a place where down the line
I can push myself a little bit further
if it feels right, but maybe it won't.
And again, that's okay.
I think we have to just get quiet and go,
What is that tipping point for me?
What is too much that's gonna send me into feeling awful
because no goal reached, no ambition is worth
feeling terrible, drained, having ill physical health,
having panic attacks, stress, whatever.
It's just not worth it.
So I think you have to look at what your own
personal limits are and only you will know that.
- And this book in particular
I feel like really lends itself to audio.
It's like, it's like the narrative
of it and things like that.
How did you find narrating it?
- I find doing an audio book,
a healthy challenge I would say.
It's like a reading your diary aloud, is terrifying.
And I always get a real burning sensation in my throat
which I think's really good because it's like
you're sort of exercising all this stuff that you've thought
and said, and it, and it's coming out,
you're not harboring these feelings.
You're not clinging onto it.
You're sort of like, this is all, this can go now,
this can be released, I can let it out.
whether people like it or don't
I've been through a really cool full-circle process.
And I think it's a good thing to do at home.
You know, have thoughts, write them down,
say to out loud, because it's a different thing,
saying it out loud.
And I underestimate it every time.
And I get in that booth and I go, oh my god,
this is insane that I'm reading this stuff.
And it's more potent saying it out loud.
I don't know what it is.
It's something it's just very powerful.
It's all about venting stuff and not harboring it physically
and letting tension build and knots in your back
or headaches or whatever.
You know, I learn that every time I do this
and I have this process, say stuff out loud.
- Love it, and do you think that this whole process
of writing then narrating the book, do you think it has
helped you to find or re-find your voice?
- I think it's helped.
And there was a really lovely healing process
in writing it and doing the audio book most definitely.
But this is everyday stuff.
So I probably will have to write about this again
at some point.
Maybe in 10 years I'll feel completely differently
to how I did when I was writing "Speak Your Truth."
I might object to everything I've written, who knows,
or I might feel like I've actually mastered
some of those things that I find very challenging now.
I don't know.
That's the lovely nature of, you know,
very honest books that no human is gonna stay set
in what they believe and think forever.
We're all changing every day and changing our minds.
And that's also fine.
So I think it was a lovely part of the healing process.
And now I'm like I've launched off to really like
get to work on it also.
Who knows what will happen next?
- Well Fearne, thank you so much.
It's been such a pleasure to chat to you.
I think the book is really revelator in lots of ways.
I think there's little bits that will resonate
with lots of different people.
So thank you so much.
- Oh that's very, very kind of you to say and
and thank you for today.
(light music)