But let's move on to our main story.
A little bit more serious. It's about Obamacare.
All right, if that's where you get your health insurance,
uh, the one doctor who does accept you, well,
he has some bad news.
Millions of Americans will face big price hikes
and fewer choices when Obamacare open enrollment begins.
The government says the cost of mid-level health plans
next year will increase by an average of 25%.
Goddamn, premiums going up 25%.
If I'm paying that much, I'm gonna get a CAT scan
every week.
Hell, I'm gonna get my cat scanned every week.
I don't care. I'm getting every proc...
I'm gonna tell my doctor I want a kidney transplant
even if I don't need it. He'll be like,
"Well, we don't have a donor." I'll be like,
"Don't care. Use mine! Put the left one on the right,
"use the right one on the left. Chop, chop!
"I want my money! I want my money!
Move the thing! Move the thing!"
But, seriously, it's gotten so bad
that the government has had to add new plans to Obamacare.
It used to be just platinum at the top,
then gold, then silver, then down to bronze.
Now it goes even lower, to lead and Styrofoam.
Yeah, and the Styrofoam level is when you get sick,
they just put you on a raft and push you out into the ocean.
"Bye, Grandpa!"
So the big question is, what went wrong with Obamacare?
How did we get here?
Well, we have to review it for a second.
And before we do that, I know that talking
about health insurance can be boring,
but what's exciting is watching what made people
need health care in the first place.
(bleep)!
Allow me to introduce you to Patient A, Dumpster Dude.
Now, before Obamacare, if Dumpster Dude decided
to become more responsible and get himself health insurance,
insurance companies could choose not to insure him
as a result of his pre-existing condition,
a fractured ass bone.
Because, essentially, insurance companies make more money
when they cover healthy people who don't need doctors.
You know? It's like a bar having a Mormons-only happy hour.
Right? So the idea of Obamacare
was that everyone should be able to get health insurance,
and then insurance companies should be required
to accept anyone, even if they had suffered an injury
like this.
(shouts)
-Oh! -(audience groaning, laughing)
I don't even know what he was
-(laughter) -No, I don't know what he was trying...
-Like, at least Dumpster Dude had a purpose. -(laughter)
His aim was to get quickly from his roof to his trash can.
-(laughter) -But this guy...
Now, in order for Obamacare to make economic sense,
both healthy people and sick people
would need to have health insurance, right?
That's the only way it works,
because for insurance to remain affordable,
you need healthy people to subsidize the sick people.
It's the same way Beyoncé and Kelly subsidized Michelle.
-All right? So then... -(audience groaning)
Oh, yeah, like you bought her album.
Act like you bought Michelle's album.
You judging me like we all didn't all make those jokes!
-(laughter) -Now I know what you're thinking.
Why on earth would a healthy young person sign up
for health insurance just to prop up old and sick people?
Well, it turns out, Obama was thinking the same thing.
That's why he said anyone who doesn't sign up
for Obamacare would have to pay a fine.
And you know what the healthy young people said? Fine.
When the Affordable Care Act was passed, it was believed
that the younger, healthier people would sign up.
That's not happening.
You've got the sicker people signing up,
and that's kind of draining the money.
Younger people, especially healthy people,
fewer than expected are actually saying,
"I'll choose healthcare over the fine."
Yeah, of course that was gonna happen.
Young people would choose to pay the fine,
because, you see, the fine
of not joining Obamacare costs way less than actually joining.
It's like if a movie was $12,
but the fine for sneaking in was a dollar.
-(laughter) -I'm sneaking in to every movie, baby.
I'm sneaking into...
Except for
You support that film,
and you keep the money in the community, you hear me?
-(laughter) -You keep that money in the community.
-(applause) -Keep it here.
You see, young people don't feel like
they should be signing up for healthcare,
even though they do (bleep) hike this.
Oh!
(audience groaning)
(laughter)
I bet right before they did that, those guys were like,
"Hey, you ever wonder why we don't have girlfriends?"
-(laughter) -"Nah."
So with costs going up,
and insurance companies leaving many markets,
Obamacare's in trouble right now.
The question is, who will defend Obamacare?
The problems that may have arisen
from the Affordable Care Act
is not because government's too involved in the process.
The problem is is that...
we have not reached everybody and pulled them in.
And think about it.
When one of these companies comes out
with a new smart phone, and it has a few bugs,
what do they do?
They fix it, they upgrade it.
Unless it catches fire. Then they just...
(laughter)
Then they pull it off the market.
(laughter)
Oh, man, I feel so bad for Obama.
Because the comparisons with phone bugs
would have been so perfect if it wasn't for Samsung.
-(laughter) -You could see him realizing that as he spoke.
"My plan, uh, is a lot like, uh...
"oh, the Galaxy Note. Oh, goddamn it!"
"Uh, all you got to do is, you got to use the Gala...
"Oh, goddamn, it's burning! Phil, kill the plan!
"I mean, uh, kill-kill the phone! Kill the phone.
Kill the phone. Kill the phone."
Anyway, but the truth is, Obama's not wrong.
Many complex social programs didn't start out perfectly.
They needed to be tinkered with in order to get them right.
You know, sort of like the
They didn't start perfect. They've gotten a lot better.
The only problem is, unlike Marvel,
Republicans want the franchise to die.
MAN:
The new Republican majority vowing
to dismantle the president's signature accomplishment.
Republicans in the House refuse to fund the government
unless they could roll back Obamacare.
MAN:
to expand Medicaid in their states.
WOMAN:
You see, Republicans don't believe
in government-mandated healthcare,
even if that government's citizens are doing this.
Oh!
Aw! Looks like one of those guys found a girlfriend.
-(laughter) -I guess there is someone for everyone.
Aw!
So now, with the election just 12 days away--
12 days away, Goddamn--
the question is, what solutions do both candidates propose?
Hillary's already made it clear,
she wants to stick with Obamacare
and do those Hulk tweaks we were talking about,
because if anyone knows the importance
of young people helping old people, it's Hillary.
Whereas Trump wants to do what he does best--
burn it all to the ground.
I propose a contract with the American voter.
It includes getting rid of, immediately,
Obamacare, which is a disaster.
(cheers and applause)
Yeah!
I want to get in a contract with that guy.
What's the worst that could happen?
It's not surprising that Trump wants to scrap
and replace Obamacare, because it's less than perfect.
It's the same way he handles his wives.
-(laughter, groans) -Donald, I have pimple on my elbow.
(like Trump): That's a shame.
Well, it's been nice knowing you, Melania.
Eric, send in that ten from Latvia.
(laughter)
But look, the truth is Obamacare is flailing.
So even though Trump sounds extreme,
we at least have to do him the service
of hearing the specifics of his plan.
We are going to replace Obamacare
with something so much better.
There will be plans, health care plans,
that you never even heard about,
that haven't even been thought about right now.
-Ah. -(laughter)
I'm glad we cleared that up.
Yeah, I'm glad we cleared that up.
Look, the truth is Donald Trump doesn't have a plan.
And Hillary's plan might work.
The saddest truth is that none of this
is getting approved by Republican legislators.
It's like they say in the Bible: It's easier for a camel
to pass through the eye of a needle
than for Obamacare reform to pass through Congress.
(laughter)
That book really did know everything.
Look, at the end of the day, everyone ends up paying
for everyone's health care-- that's how it's gonna work.
Either through universal coverage,
or because you're gonna end up paying to subsidize people
who don't have insurance.
So those people go to the emergency room
for a sore throat or an earache,
or if they get the remote for their Roku stuck up their ass.
Sort of like me, sort of like me.
And you know what, that's right, I'm not ashamed to admit it:
I use Roku.
Uh, you can't deny it, people,
health care needs to be a priority.
Health care needs to be a priority in America,
especially in a country where people do this.
Want to watch Joni die? (screams)
(audience gasps, groans)