-Our next guest can be seen at Zanies in Nashville
December 28th.
Please welcome the very funny Jay Jurden!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Hey, y'all.
I'm...pretty dumb.
Yeah.
No, don't let this turtleneck fool you.
I can come out here and pretend like I know stuff,
but when I go home, I'm definitely gonna be like,
"Oh, there's a 'U' in 'camouflage'?"
Doing a good job of hiding. Like, that's...
Speaking of being dumb, I recently got married!
[ Cheers and applause ] Okay.
Alright. Yeah. To a dude.
[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, okay.
Yeah! Alright! I saw some people stop clapping.
Listen, I love homophobia. It keeps me on my toes.
Now, I know there are some old-fashioned people here,
some people here who believe marriage is
strictly between a man, a woman,
and eventually a much younger woman.
A much younger woman who happened to get
this executive-assistant position with no experience.
All I'm saying is, I don't think Tasha "knows Excel."
[ Applause ]
Me and my husband -- we got married in New York City,
but we wanted to have a traditional
Southern gay wedding.
So we had a cake. We had a deejay.
We had protesters.
And, y'all, they were making some good points.
One of the signs said, "This is a choice."
I was like, "Of course we have vegan options.
Come on, man."
Here's what they don't tell you.
When you get married as a man to another man,
you spend most of your wedding day
introducing gay men who live in New York City
to other gay men they have already slept with.
So most of my wedding day, I was stuck saying stuff like,
"Well, Benjamin, you know Todd."
Shane, you know Todd."
Michael, you know Todd.
Wait a second. Does everyone know Todd?"
And then my husband was like, "Jay, do you know Todd?"
And I was like, "Ooh!
I do."
And then -- and then I had to remind him.
I said, "No, baby. We know Todd."
And he was like, "Oh, that's Todd?
I didn't recognize him standing up."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm surprised y'all let me get away with that one.
We had a fun officiant at our wedding.
Our wedding officiant, Dani, with an "I," she was the best.
She walked in. She was like, "Hey, y'all.
We are gathered here today in front of friends, family, God.
I'm kidding. He ain't watching. Let's turn up."
And I was like, "Let's go!"
Now, something interesting just happened.
When I said I was married to a dude,
I heard a bunch of "whoos!"
And that let me know it's a lot of straight women here.
Straight girls, I love y'all. We go way back.
Middle school.
Now...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Straight women, are y'all doing okay?
[ Cheers and applause ] Alright.
Then why y'all love dating ugly dudes?
What is the reasoning?
Do you know that being straight doesn't have to be a dare?
You can enjoy it?
And then y'all come up to me after the show
and say stuff like, "Well, Jay, just so you know,
I happen to like my men a little ugly.
Right, babe?"
And this poor guy is like, "You hear that?
She only said 'a little.'"
Y'all will brag to me about your ugly man.
You'll be like, "Well, Jay, just so you know,
me and my ugly man -- we're flying to Paris."
I'm like, "Yeah, he's got to get back to Notre Dame.
Those bells aren't gonna ring themselves."
Of course, I don't mean anyone here.
Every straight guy here is a 10.
If you don't believe me, I'll kiss you on the way out.
That goes for you too, Jimmy. I like the beard.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But, seriously, one of my friends --
he's an old-school comedian.
What's the word for that? He's a misogynist.
And he said...
He said, "Jay, these women date these ugly men
just so they can get their money."
And I was like, "Yeah, I know ugly men have money.
I've been on a boat before."
Someone out there is like, "Wait, I have a boat."
I'm not talking about you. You're gorgeous.
Seriously, do you think the ugly community
is going to cancel me for that joke?
Do you think the ugly community is going to come for me?
As long as they don't do it in person. Yuck!
No, everyone right now is so obsessed with cancel culture.
Everyone's worried about cancel culture.
Everyone except for me.
Because do you understand how hard it would be to cancel...
me?
Come on, y'all.
I'm black. I'm queer. I'm left-handed.
There are...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...lots of words I can say.
Alright, thank y'all so much. I've been Jay Jurden.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-You're left-handed? You're left-handed?
-Yeah, I am. [ Both laugh ]
-Jay Jurden! Jay Jurden! Come on!
He'll be at Zanies in Nashville.
I love Zanies. In Nashville December 28th.
My thanks to Kevin Bacon, Theo James,
Old 97's, Jay Jurden once again!
He's left-handed, folks.