How many times should I forgive my husband? My name is Paul Friedman, I
founded The Marriage Foundation and I'm going to try to help you out of
a dilemma that you're having. Now from a spiritual
point of view, how many times are you forgiven?
We always forgive but that's not really solving the problem.
The real problem is that your husband is behaving in a way that is
undermining your marriage and we need to take a look at that
because you can do something about it. Now I'm not putting a burden on you.
I want to lay out an opportunity for you. Every once in a while some lady will
comment, "Oh, why do these men always put
everything on the woman in the marriage. It's all up to her," and
you should hear how I talk to men. That's all I can say about that.
The point is when you come looking for help
you're the one who's receptive male or female.
The other one is not looking for help at the moment. So, what good is it for me
to put the burden on the other one? In this case
you're the wife, you're asking, "How many times must I forgive
my husband?" What you're really asking if I may be so bold is,
"Is my marriage going to be okay? Is there something
I can do to make my marriage work so I don't have to keep forgiving my
husband." Answer is yes, the answer is yes.
You see what happened is that you got married without
understanding your husband. You got married without understanding
yourself and you got married without
understanding marriage. Welcome to
our current society where there's a complete
lack of knowledge in these areas. We go to school and we study
Algebra. We study social studies but we don't
study human individual study. We don't learn about how biology
affects a man, how it affects a woman. We don't learn how your mind
belongs to you and you're responsible for how it thinks.
Believe it or not. Everyone thinks, "No, I just
have those thoughts. What am I supposed to do?" Well, you have free will
and those thoughts aren't just these thoughts.
They're your thoughts and you could change them,
and your behavior. It's your behavior and you could change it.
The marriage, what about the marriage the marriage?
It's a collective of only two people. If you behaved with each other in a
prescribed manner that brought happiness which is why you
got married in the first place to be happier.
You would be happy but you didn't learn these things.
So let's take some of the burden off of your husband
even though he's misbehaved terribly and let's take
the burden off of you. And instead, let's do this, instead of asking the
question of, how many times should I forgive him? Because
then what you're doing is you're saying, "And then it's over." We're not going to go
there. Let's transform your marriage instead.
Isn't that a better idea?
Why give them an ultimatum even in your own mind, even if you don't say something?
First of all, don't confront him. Don't nail him because he's behaving
according to a combination of who he is and how he's
responding to his environment which is primarily you.
Here's what I'll say. Work on you, your environment you're creating and
let's see what happens, and how do you do that? Now if your
marriage is just like no fun and his misbehavior
is not like cheating on you then just get one of my books and learn
about yourself. Learn about marriage, learn what to do, what not to do and
you'll probably be fine. Now I have to say,
if your marriage is really slipping towards divorce.
If you really are getting to the end you can't take it anymore then that's
what the courses are designed for. There's a
course for women. You don't have to have your husband take
the course for men. You may introduce it to him but if he's
really not into it. Just take the course for women -- it will work. You on your own
can change all of the dynamics in your marriage
and the reason why that works is because think of two of you just
sort of like this in a boat. Okay, and if just one of you picks up an oar and
starts rowing that boat's going to have movement. Your
marriage will move and your husband will generally respond.
So let's not talk about forgiveness right now
just forgive him because he was ignorant and don't blame yourself because you're
ignorant. It's not about blame. It's about taking the
marriage from where it is right now and turning it into what it's supposed
to be. Marriages are amazing when you know how
to run them. You want to have a marriage that's off
the charts. You can do that. You still can do it.
I hope this was helpful. I don't want you heading towards ultimatum city. I want
you to heal your marriage so you get the benefits.
The unconditional love, the happiness every day getting better -- it's not too
late for that. Not at all. Take advantage
of the videos we have, subscribe, learn more.
Read the books. Get the course whatever will
help you because when your marriage is running well
there's nothing like it. All right. I'm going to leave you there.
Blessings to you! Blessings to your husband and your family!
Leave a comment. Leave a like, share. You know how to do all that stuff
whatever you're inclined to do. I'm here to help you.
Thank you and God bless! Thank you!