next guest is a brilliant author actress and stand-up comedian currently starring in crashing
on HBO her brand new album I mean is available on iTunes right now please welcome Jamie Lee
[Applause] it's so good to be here I got married recently
Thanks you guys had like a normal response to that sometimes when I tell people I just got
married they're a little too excited for me like I told this one girl and she goes oh my
god Jamie that's incredible how did you know how did you know that he was the one I was like oh
when I was 32 and not married there's not a lot of puzzle piece thing that goes into this you
delusional weirdo this is in a world of whimsy like saying saying to someone in their 30s how
did you know he was the one that's like saying to a first-grader how did you know you wanted a
My Little Pony it's like friggin Ashley Jennifer and Jennifer's friend got one you know Oh horse
is fine sure but I don't want to be the only [ __ ] without something to brush okay I know
where I'm coming from it's very brave for me to say how old I am out loud as a woman living in
Los Angeles you know it's a lot of pressure we have to dash around being like I'm 12 always and
people are like oh that's crazy because your face is melting not even in like a fun Yankee
Candle way where it's like oh there it goes but is that Christmas I smell you know it's
just hard wax sad party but I realized so if you want to lie about your age it's actually really
simple you just have to lie up that's how you impress people cause if I was like guys I'm 46
what are you doing take me to Sephora walk me through your process Pentatonix
and elixirs are we working with here but if I was like I'm 23 you'd be like mm-hmm
and that's why you got Ally on up it's important I love my husband I know he
was the right guy for me because I dated all of the wrong ones before him you know just
to really get back to the community like I was dating I was dating this hippie guy
for a while and he was so irritating he'd be like what's your sign I'm like yield
the worst but no my husband's great he's um he's Jewish but he looks Italian so I call him Giuseppe
we talked a lot about having kids but like full disclosure I'm a little worried what the baby's
gonna look like cuz like I was a really cute baby like obviously still killing it but my husband he
was he's like a Long Island bro you know he's a bro from the beginning so I'm worried the baby's
just gonna come out being like oh you know where's my belt like it just like falls out of the birth
canal like doesn't burpee and then he's like you know thank you but you can't test for that
in advance you know I can't go to the doctor and be like yeah I'm not worried so much about like
genetic diseases it's more like is the baby gonna suffer from oh I don't know Rocky Balboa cadence
you know isn't gonna have this mouth like just so wet in her lip staring at me for the rest of my
life can we figure that out in advance doc thanks so much this is weird I've found myself jealous of
babies recently because I realized as a woman the only time in your life when people celebrate your
weight is when you're a baby girl they love it they're psyched about it down to the ounce they're
like oh feeler eight pounds seven ounces of pure joy no one's picked me up recently and been like
Oh feel it a hundred and thirty-four pounds pure anxiety social depression is that alcoholism my
husband he really is he's such a bro my husband is so bro II that we went to visit my friend
who had a new baby girl and I kissed the baby and my husband just goes nice that's what I'm
working with when you're married to a Long Island meathead you know they have a very aggressive
exterior but they're so sweet underneath he's such a sweetheart it's like I'm constantly
interacting with a misunderstood shelter pitbull like he'll say the most innocuous things and it
sounds totally scary and threatening we'll be at the movies and he's like two tickets to Lady
Bird and that's like apologized to strangers I'm like he's friendly his previous owner was his mom
and she enabled it so we're working on and we're gonna get them a little a little choke collar you
know reel it in I'm gonna end really quick with an impression for you guys you like impression okay
so this is my impression of a pretentious orphan okay pretentious orphan here we go
do you know who my father is [Laughter] [Applause]