Good day, gang!
Now, I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm a fan of Ironhide.
Always loved his rough 'n' tumble vibe and clean, chunky square style,
and these shelves have long been aching for a certain as-yet-unproduced
on-model, nice quality, fully functional, ideally Deluxe-class figure
of my number one tough boy to chill with his Autopals,
which you wouldn't THINK would be too much to ask, but apparently there's a problem.
And we've come within frottage distance of perfection a few times;
we've had a bunch that weren't amazing but were still neat;
and God knows we've had some stinkers,
so we're still yet to land at that mythical Goldilocks Ironhide that truly nails it in every sense,
and today, I'm here to tell you that I give up.
In a nice way. It's a good thing. We'll get there.
Anyway, allow me to introduce this slick black crackerjack from Transformers Legacy Generations Selects
who comes to us under the seriously sus tag of "DK-2 Guard"
and serves us a racy repaint of the frustratingly scarce Earthrise Ironhide
in a dope-ass Diacloney deco to fill that collection gap you didn't quite realise was there, but it makes sense
and, in a bizarre counter-intuitve consumerist quirk, this aggressively nerdular, collector-targeted
online exclusive is weirdly way easier to source than the fan fave characters it was intended to be.
Like, it's the only version of the Earthrise vanette that I've been able to get my hands on,
and I'm Thew! I get everything!
Like, what a bizarre backwards business move to have cast members as integral as Ironhide and Ratchet
secreted away in creepy Amazon-only 2-packs that were overpriced to buggery and sold out immediately,
whereas this one? This dork-ass faux-prestige pre-import homage?
Piece of piss, mate. Got it off Pulse. £22.99, next day delivery, bosh.
So here I go, finally checking out the Earthrise Ironhide mould 18 months late via some weird backdoor loophole,
and I'm honestly only kinda mad about that.
Now then - who is DK-2 Guard? Is that a character? is that a name, even?
I mean, it doesn't SUPER matter what we call this bot -
it exists soleley to look like the original Diaclone No. 2 Mech figure before Hasbro turned it into somebody,
and it does do that, so it kinda doesn't matter WHO it is.
It's just - that's exactly the strat behind, like, Road Rage and Spinout and Exhaust
and like a dozen others. Not the best names, but they do at least have a pinch of Cybertronian spice.
So "DK-2 Guard" just seems so bureaucratic. Flavourless. Placeholdery. Sounds like a barcode!
I mean, what is this, a genericon? Like the Deseeus Army Drone?
Could we not at least have gone with "Vanguard"? Too obvious? Too Goboty?
Uh, Hardware? Autobot Hardware?
Download? Remember Download, from Spotlight Hot Rod?
Starts with a D, ends with a D. A bit like a weekend with me.
Or, you know what? Just "DK". Decay. Autobot Decay. Maybe he's just super emo.
But listen, Stellan SkarsGuard here is simply on the scene to wear black and look fly, same,
and we ARE serving, with the subtle ruby red innards, bonus golden JPS livery and bewitching sapphire gaze
setting off that oddly lively black topcoat!
Like, I know we're doing a Diaclone thing,
but I'm honestly getting more than a whisper of Movieverse Ironhide in there!
Got me thinking I'd kinda love to see a bright green snotgoblin Ratchet version? Just putting that out there.
But whomsoever big R2-DK2 may be, or turn out to be, the toy does make pretty nice company!
It looks cool as shit, it's nice and big for a Deluxe, it's got swagger to spare
and it kinda rules just as an object to mess with.
Like, I love the way the shoulders and back pop apart with a tremendously satisfying tactile snap!
There is perhaps a lightweight air to the limbs -
like, the forearms are horribly hollow, and the legs are a flimsy facade of flaps
but I can't look at those shins and NOT wanna transform them!
Definitely fond of the weird roundy pointy gun based off the Diaclone battle platform,
but I can't love the gigantic graceless roof slab,
presumably also based off the battle platform but with none of the panache.
Like, is it a shield? Is it a knife? Is it a cannon? It's kind of all of those and none of those.
Except a shield. It is convincingly a shield, peripherally garnished with some other bullshit.
It's fine, but God is it clumsy! Again, same, but it's kind of a partner piece to my real problem,
because physically, big Avant Guard here is dishearteningly similar to the Siege Ironhide.
I mean, sure, we got a new chest, sure, and sure, I'm into it. Sure. Sure.
It's very evocative of that 80s cartoon model that I loved so dearly and long to hold as an object in my hands,
and it does look super sharp and nicely novel in this colour combo, but come on!
So much of this thing is just copy-pasted wholesale from the Siege release -
same feet, same thighs, same arms, same shoulder assemblies, possibly the same head -
aside from a few superficial swapouts and a minor detail downgrade, it may as well be the same object!
And like, I don't usually mind a repaint or a retool.
I'm all for rinsing the shit out of the work you've already done! Why wouldn't you?
Light piping, doot-de-doo, Bumblebeans.
But Guardevoir here is just landing all wrong.
I feel like they got me, just like they did with Earthrise Optimus Prime.
But Ironhide is not Optimus Prime! There aren't already 15 good ones!
As we covered in the opening gripe
we've had enough frustratingly off-base Ironhide iterations to make a guy justifiably impatient.
Not to mention the amount of drama required to get the Ironhide version of this version of Ironhide!
And on top of that, it's almost insultingly clear that these were designed simultaneously.
The intent was obviously to make an Earth mode boy that everybody would want
and also a space mode one that's kinda whatever
and then hoodwink us into buying the secondary space version by releasing it first.
Like, if Earthrise had come out first, I never would've bought Siege. Nobody would!
Same with Optimus and Soundwave, and, honestly, 80% of Siege.
I guess on some level you gotta respect the hustle, but it stings, man,
and the fact that it was easier to get this weirdo repaint just feels like saying the quiet part loud.
Sucker!
It's still alright, though, innit? It's quite good. It looks cool. It does look like the Diaclone toy,
and it does bring that proto-character comfortably into the Transformers fold.
It's a nice "what if", with an aftertaste of "f**k you".
Transformation's passably predictable! Very panelly, very partsy,
but the tummy twirl's mad fun and everything lines up and locks in lusciously.
I mean, it's clearer here than ever that it's just the Siege toy wearing a long hat,
but, y'know. C'est la guerre. Pour Cybertron.
And this van mode is, regrettably, VERY scrappy.
The shape's there, a lot of the hallmarks are right, but it's patchy and unclear and rickety as shit!
It feels like a photocopy of the classic Cherry Vanette Bening.
Like, check it out! You got the windscreen and headlights looking solid,
but there's kinda too much empty philtrum space and this horrible ugly cheapo inset red square nose right in your face.
The wheels feel rotten and rattly; the side windows are a scratty, inconsistent blocky nightmare;
you got his uneven undercarriage line and the feet are right there. Like, RIGHT there.
This isn't so much a vehicle mode that has its flaws - this is a flaw that occasionally breaks out into a vehicle mode.
But here I go again, bustin' out the classic apologist escape key line -
I like its vibe. Oh, God, here we go!
'Cos I am kind of into it! I'm all about a big van vader. You know this!
It's a juicy chode of a vehicle mode
and the colours are so cool, man!
It's like, somewhere between Trailbreaker and the A-Team van and Knight Rider and the MASK Outlaw
with the city-at-night stylings and the racy red-and-gold stripes.
This is a pure blacklight party bus!
D'you know what I mean? The van veneer just about holds.
Even though it's ropey as shit, even though I know half of it just lifts right off the top,
it works for me because I want it to.
But look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that Donkey Kongey Twoguard is good.
Although I do love it in many ways, I feel like I'm doing a lot of the work.
If we're looking for perfect, this ain't it.
I mean, the War For Cybertron trilogy was so gratifyingly full of "Finally!" moments!
A good Galvatron. A spectacular Sky Lynx. An Apeface that exists.
So the Ratchhide fam ending up with another figure that's less "Finally!" and more "Ugh, really?"
just hurts all the more, y'know? And it sorta spoils what I liked about Siege Ironhide.
It was just a nice clean toy, a fun take on a familiar face,
and then they drop this revised version that kinda fumbles the bag at its own job
AND makes the other one feel like a scam. Man, it really only takes one weird sequel, huh?
Just another Ironhide that didn't nail it. Chuck it on the pile.
And I do find myself asking - will I ever attain that ideal Ironhide experience that I so crave?
Nah. Because I no longer crave it.
At this point, I've rubbed shoulders with enough 7s that the positive points of each of them
have congealed in my mind into an imaginary, intangible Ironhide pork joint
recovered piecemeal from the freshest flesh of several disgusting animals.
The mechanical audacity of the Masterpiece, the Siege simplicity, the iGear attitude,
the adorable fun factor of Hot Soldiers, the novelty of Newage,
and now, the almost-there approximation of Earthrise -
they've allowed me to microdose my vision of what a perfect Ironhide MIGHT look like,
and honestly, my needs are met!
'Cos it's a hobby! It's supposed to make you feel good!
It doesn't always have to be about grasping for perfection. It SHOULDN'T be.
It's a journey, man. It's a trail of discovery,
and if the road doesn't lead you where you wish it would, that's okay, 'cos look at the bounties we found!
Nothing here is without flaw. Everything works well enough in its own way, on its own terms.
I mean, I COULD sit here and get mad at Hasbro for not doing it exactly right,
I could be bitter at all the other versions for being slightly off in various ways,
or we can appreciate them for the ballpark bangers they are!
And DK-2 Guard is OK too.
Guard.
It does the trick as a Diaclone dickhead or as a third-rung room filler, or both,
and I'm happy to welcome it into whatever my collection is these days.
Transformers Legacy DK-2 Guard. Embrace defeat.
Ah! Love a weird one-off episode. Why not, eh? Cheers for watching! Hope you didn't hate it!
Thank you, everybody, for watching my silly videos and supporting the channel
and clicking Like on all of them. I'm sure you do!
Huge love to the patrons, and a special shoutout this time to ToyBoxHero95! Good year.
Thank you so much. Have a grand evening, won't you? Flipside, baby!
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Limited appeal, keeping it real.