Freddie Benson.
Mom! We're in the middle of the show.
I don't care! You have some explaining to do.
Can we talk about this late-- Sam, don't take the--
Come on!
This could be very fun to watch.
What's so important?
Maybe you'd like to explain the contents of this baggy.
What is that?
Oh, you don't recognize this asparagus
that I put on your dinner plate?
Mom, can-- Don't shoot this!
Sorry, I can't hear you over this embarrassment.
Mom, please leave.
After you finish your vegetables.
Oh my g--
You better finish that with gosh!
Dear gosh, please make her leave.
Dude, just finish your asparagus
so we can get on with the show.
[gagging]
♪ When a big boy Eats his vegetables... ♪
Don't sing the song!
Hey, where's my phone?
Maybe you accidentally inhaled it
while you were decreaming the cupcakes.
I know I left my phone in this pocket.
Hey, didn't you call your mom from Lupert's office
when we were rigging the golf balls?
Oh man! I left my phone in Lupert's office!
Come help me get it.
No, I have to try to give my cupcakes a transfusion.
- Then you're helping me. - Oh, no.
I'm not risking getting caught and then have my mother find o--
- Sam! - Oh, come on!
Sam! How do you do this?
We'll be back in a few!
Cupcakes after!
- Spencer! No! - You kids have fun!
Eight years ago at 3:47 p.m you wrote, and I quote,
"I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want kids. Ever"
I was joking!
Then you said,
"If you think I'm joking, I am not."
OK, wow, I know that sounds bad,
but this was from so long ago,
I was probably wearing Crocs when I wrote it.
Why? Did you use to be a nurse?
No, I just like a shoe that's easy to clean
and comes in fun, bold colors.
Millicent, I'm sorry.
Tell me how I can make this right.
A six-pack of Red Lamb energy drink...
Red Lamb.
That's just caffeine and sugar.
And red food dye number five.
That's what makes it delicious.
You can't drink that. It's not good for kids.
Emotional trauma isn't good for kids either, and yet...
Regular or Banana Blast?
Knock-knock, enter-enter.
Oh, I didn't realize you had company.
Freddie, it's time for--
Fredward Benson, you got a tattoo?!
Uh...
We told him it was wrong.
Fredward?
- Mom, I-- - You come with me right now.
- Where? - To a doctor,
to have that blemish removed.
No, removing tattoos is extremely painful.
So is being the mother of a delinquent.
No, wait! Mom!
[arguing]
You knock off a Fat Cake truck?
Oh, it's happening. Sam, come on! Don't do--
Ah! Ah! Sam, stop it!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Get off of me!
So you really want to know what's in those boxes?
Please don't be Chinese fireworks.
30 finished penny T's.
- What? - No way!
And 30 more in that box, and 30 more in that box.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
How'd you make so many?
And why did you spank me?
I left it next to my cellphone,
which broke out into a spontaneous fire.
Anyway, now I own a falcon named Jericho.
Wow, I clearly did it all wrong.
Pursued my dreams, married for love,
two divorces and a failed start-up later,
I'm back living with my mom!
Instead of figuring out my next tech venture,
I'll just melt some marshmallows.
Ha! I'll sue you into the ground.
Wow, I clearly did it all wrong.
Pursued my dreams, married for love...
Millicent, do not post that.
I'm making content.
I told you to stop recording me.
I'm back living with my mom!
Just because you adopted me, doesn't make you my dad.
Literally, it does.
That is exactly what it means.
And... send.
Can you like it to give it some traction?
Can you like it to give it some traction... please?
Come on, let's go rehearse for iCarly.
Let's do it.
Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast there, circus boy. Pay up.
- Pay what up? - I won the bet.
I read the Penny Treasure cover to cover.
Yay, good for Sam. Let's go rehearse.
Wait. [groaning]
I don't believe you.
- Quiz me. - OK.
Who goes into the cave and what does he find?
Jarvis goes into the cave and find the key to tranquility,
four feet from Gideon's grave. Pay up.
[groaning]
Bet the ushe.
Do it, boy.
Give me.
Well, I thought that since you're starting a new business,
I'd buy you...
- A new keyboard. - Wow!
Thanks, Freddie!
So this place is what?
Just skewering things on the internet?
Oh, where's the part where they make fun of JavaScript?
Seriously?
It says NotMillicent123.
So, obviously it's not me.
Millicent...
Uh, fine. It's me, Millicent123.
So you're not actually traumatized?
No, I just took advantage of your insecurities
about being a new parent to get some cool stuff.
- Thanks for the keyboard. - Ah-uh-uh.
Was there an apology in there.
Come on. An admission of guilt isn't enough?
Not in 2021.
Who do you think you are? A high profile male celebrity?
You pretended to be hurt so that I would buy you stuff.
It's my keyboard now.
You're right.
Thank you for teaching me a moral lesson.
It's better than any gift you could have ever gotten me.
You're welcome, Millicent.
You know what? Here, take the keyboard.
You're so easy! [laughing]
[doorbell ringing]
Freddie, you didn't sign the shampoo agreement.
How do I know if you double poo'ed?
You thought I was kidding.
Wait, you know about Ernie?
Wait, what?
Who's Ernie?
He's Gwen's new boyfriend.
Don't worry about it, Carly, I'm fine.
She told me about him over dinner.
You have a boyfriend and you didn't tell me?
- But we're friends. - Whoa! Wait, hold up.
You guys are friends?
Since when?
Since always.
I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Why would I be hurt?
Remember a few months ago when I told you I was
- visiting my dad in Italy? - Yeah?
Zanzibar. [gasping]
Did she let you swim with the turtles?
- Ate right out of my hand. - Oh!
Yeah, OK, this hurts.
Hey!
You were supposed to help me get out of that
flashlight costume.
Yeah, I'm supposed to do a lot of things that never happen.
You know what will make you feel better?
What?
Sticking a hammer to a magnetic Christmas tree.
Yeah, that's always a good time.
Hi, sorry to barge-- Freddie, give me that!
You know I don't like you handling tools.
- Mom! - Let's go.
Come on, I'm trying to live my life.
Um, if somebody wants to get to the mall in time
to sit on somebody's lap,
and tell somebody what he wants for Christmas,
somebody better hurry up.
Aww, is little Freddie going to see Santa Claus?
No! Let's go.
- I tried to keep it vague. - Well, it didn't work.